On-line daters watch out for "nice guy syndrome."

[ardour]

I think what we need to remember is that a lot of people on the planet are ******* idiots. These idiots will be attracted to other idiots, so idiotic women will end up with idiotic men. If a girl you like ends up with some awful wannabe-gangster macho type then we can conclude she is an idiot.

I've known a few intelligent non-idiot women with men who seem not to care about them... or at least don't show it.

But I also think that in slightly less idiotic media, the portrayal and reverance of "badboy" characters is a little different. Take Game of Thrones for example. We like the badboy characters, but we like them more when they have something nice about them, not something horrid. No one looked at Joffrey and thought "ooh yeah he's a real horrid badboy I'd let him jump my bones" but, despite his facial scarring, I bet The Hound brought the cream to Australia, if you know what I mean. Because he had good qualities, too.

Tywin is probably the most fascinating character. Although pragmatic and no sadist, he's pretty much all bad

 

[Rainbows]

I am about pretty much done trying to help here because you guys will just misunderstand and twist words and keep the logical fallacies going to continue the circlejerk.

Welcome to ALL, lol.

That really does sum up ALL perfectly.

laughs
I'm sorry you feel this way Ymir. I agree with all your posts you wrote in this thread.

 

[ardour]

Got to say it’s amusing when women defend their ohnoxious boyfriends, “you don’t know him!” It reveals a fascination with this type of guy.
Someone who:

Talks down to them

Frowns whenever they speak

Acts like he’s bored in their company.

I have seen this numerous times in the partners of women who otherwise seem to have their heads screwed on properly.
And sure I didn’t know him or know him well; I didn’t need to. If he acts like that he isn't that nice a person. End of story.

We get that a lot of self-described nice guys aren’t nice either. Yet it’s the ‘average’, respectful, not pushy or overbearing man who seems to be judged in the worst terms.

 

[Rainbows]

In my honest opinion, I feel like you've seen too many tv shows and as a woman, I find your comment offensive.
There's enough, what you call 'average' guys who find their love etc ; instead of searching someone to blame, try to improve your situation.

 

[ardour]

In my honest opinion, I feel like you've seen too many tv shows

it’s depressing to see these popular culture clichés mirrored in reality.

 

[TheSkaFish]

I spent some time thinking and reading about this today. I came to the conclusion that perhaps some meditation/introspection/solitude is in order. The problems I have with women seem to be the same problems I have with everything else. I find that when I stop rabidly looking for solutions and just sit in contemplation, my mind becomes more clear. I see what I'm doing and thinking wrong, and I see how I have made it a habit. I see how it is based on thoughts and beliefs about myself based on how I perceived myself in the past: "I'm just shy, I'm just awkward, I'm just ugly, I'm just boring, girls don't like me, that's just who I am". The complaining and blaming doesn't really provide a solution, but rather just more disempowering beliefs: "I'll never figure it out", "all the desirable women just go to bad boys anyway", so on and so forth.

perhaps, ardour, you, me, and whoever else is having trouble with this should just take 15 minutes and sit in meditation the next time we feel angry or upset about this and maybe the way will be more clear. We've just been told that we don't know what to do about this, or told ourselves that we don't know what to do about this, for so long that we believe it. Male-female interaction, indeed all interpersonal interaction, is supposed to be natural, but our thoughts and old stories have been getting in the way.

I keep forgetting that I too need to be what I want. Like that quote "be the change you want to see in the world". So for example, if I want a pretty girl then I too should groom myself, take time to cultivate a little style and exercise regularly. If I want someone who is an intellectual, then I need to read more. If I want an artistic girl, then I need to become artistic myself. If I want someone kind, I need to be kind. And so on.

 

[Alonewith2cats]

All I see is a frustrated guy. Probably not the most pleasant person to talk with. I wonder why he picked you to rant to after three months of silence.

Probably because she did go out with him and he had to pay for meal etc and he probably was no longer in contact with other girls he had to pay for. Just a guess.

I don't know why. Maybe he thought I would sympathize with him or pity his blue balls or something. But I was rather annoyed and offended. The thing is no guy "has" to pay for my meal. I always come prepared with wallet and money and I prepare to pay for my meal unless the guy says "I got it" or "It's my treat." And if he is really assertive about paying for my meal I'm going to accept it graciously. So if he buys me dinner and doesn't get sex afterwards who created this awful, sad pitiful situation of "working long hours, spending money and time" and not getting laid??? Certainly not me. And then he gets mad, upset, feels like "hitting a wall" And he needs to vent his frustration to me. WOW! He could have bought himself a high class hooker by now. One who will appreciate his long hours of slaving away at the office for extra cash and gifts of nice dinners in exchange for punany. Is there really anything stopping him from buying sex??? You don't have to be a mathematician to figure it out.

Anyway, I really think it's the men who don't try too hard and don't expect it who get laid more often.

 

[raincloud]

I am not sure why I read this thread because I knew it would make me mad. One of the best friends I ever had was a man who suddenly stopped speaking to me because I hadn't slept with him. He had been angry because he had been "so nice" to me and had been my friend for years, and I hadn't had sex with him and he felt that he had wasted his time, and with no warning, our friendship was over. We spoke on the phone frequently, and then he stopped returning calls or e-mails (or initiating either, which he had previously done). I was hurt and stunned. It was years later that I learned of "Nice Guy Syndrome" and I realized that I had unwittingly been a casualty. I'm so angry, and if I hear any man call himself a "nice guy" or refer to "the friend zone" I automatically dislike them.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I fail to see how he is nice. Entitled, maybe, but nice?

Nah.

That being said, I've been on the receiving end of "You're a nice guy, but" so many times, but it's never been about me being nice. I'm nice because I like being nice, not to impress people. It's never about me being nice. It usually has to do with her not being physically attracted to me, however.

 

[My War]

I fail to see how he is nice. Entitled, maybe, but nice?

Nah.

That being said, I've been on the receiving end of "You're a nice guy, but" so many times, but it's never been about me being nice. I'm nice because I like being nice, not to impress people. It's never about me being nice. It usually has to do with her not being physically attracted to me, however.

I haven't read all 7 pages of this but I have also been trying to work what this "Nice Guy Syndrome" is and how the guy mentioned by the OP was "Nice" in the normal sense of the word, I don't think he was that bad either actually asides from complaining a lot.

And yes I too agree with the 2nd paragraph that I quoted above I have heard so many times "You're a really nice guy, easy to talk to, funny, sensitive, you are so creative and I love being with you. It's just I don't think you are what I am looking for, can we still be friends?"

Yeah friends, well no I'm not interested in being your "spare" just in case the gardenia you are rejecting me for dumps you, I'm not interested in someone who tells me how great I am and yet in the same breath rejects me.

If anything that kind of crap sparks "Nice Guy Syndrome" where the genuine nice guys turn into "Players" and try and get as much as they can from a woman as soon as they can before she tells him how great he is and how they just aren't looking for someone who will treat them right just now.

 

[Case]

I was hurt and stunned. It was years later that I learned of "Nice Guy Syndrome" and I realized that I had unwittingly been a casualty. I'm so angry, and if I hear any man call himself a "nice guy" or refer to "the friend zone" I automatically dislike them.

So, it's come to this, huh? Now we can't use the word "nice" anymore? So, what's the replacement? "Kind guy?" "Polite guy?" "Non-annoying guy?"

I'm open to any appropriate substitutions to avoid offending people. I wouldn't want to piss people off because I dare to be nice.

 

[Disaffected]

^Good?

 

[ardour]

So, it's come to this, huh? Now we can't use the word "nice" anymore? So, what's the replacement? "Kind guy?" "Polite guy?" "Non-annoying guy?"

Probably "genuine guy". A rare species apparently.

 

[Case]

^Good?

Nah. My point is that you can substitute it with anything and the same result will follow. There will always be ********* guys. There will always be guys who think they are better than they are, or even lie outright. But to change our language because a minority of douchebags act childish around women is a bit much for me.

 

[Disaffected]

^Good?

Nah. My point is that you can substitute it with anything and the same result will follow. There will always be ********* guys. There will always be guys who think they are better than they are, or even lie outright. But to change our language because a minority of douchebags act childish around women is a bit much for me.

Yea but acting nice, and being virtuous are not the same thing. I don't consider myself nice, but I am good.

 

[Alonewith2cats]

I fail to see how he is nice. Entitled, maybe, but nice?

Nah.

That being said, I've been on the receiving end of "You're a nice guy, but" so many times, but it's never been about me being nice. I'm nice because I like being nice, not to impress people. It's never about me being nice. It usually has to do with her not being physically attracted to me, however.

I haven't read all 7 pages of this but I have also been trying to work what this "Nice Guy Syndrome" is and how the guy mentioned by the OP was "Nice" in the normal sense of the word, I don't think he was that bad either actually asides from complaining a lot.

And yes I too agree with the 2nd paragraph that I quoted above I have heard so many times "You're a really nice guy, easy to talk to, funny, sensitive, you are so creative and I love being with you. It's just I don't think you are what I am looking for, can we still be friends?"

Yeah friends, well no I'm not interested in being your "spare" just in case the gardenia you are rejecting me for dumps you, I'm not interested in someone who tells me how great I am and yet in the same breath rejects me.

If anything that kind of crap sparks "Nice Guy Syndrome" where the genuine nice guys turn into "Players" and try and get as much as they can from a woman as soon as they can before she tells him how great he is and how they just aren't looking for someone who will treat them right just now.

"Nice Guy" syndrome is a term for a man who feels entitled to sex from a woman because he was "nice" to her. It's sarcasm. This kind of guy is actually not nice. You fail to see how he was that bad? How about harassing me with text messages out of the blue on a Sunday night after I have respectfully deleted his # under the understanding that he didn't want to be friends (he should have done the same) and having to put up with his whining and angry resentment towards women for not wanting to "fresia him" (this is his language I'm quoting by the way) and under the understanding that I am one of those women who gave him a chance by going on 3 dates, took the time to get to know him and decided it's not going to happen. He took out his frustration on me by surprise and he had no right because after all, he is not my friend. And it upset me very much that evening.

 

[Case]

^Good?

Nah. My point is that you can substitute it with anything and the same result will follow. There will always be ********* guys. There will always be guys who think they are better than they are, or even lie outright. But to change our language because a minority of douchebags act childish around women is a bit much for me.

Yea but acting nice, and being virtuous are not the same thing. I don't consider myself nice, but I am good.

I actually consider myself nice AND good, and I have never treated a woman who didn't want to have sex with me poorly. My quibble is with the wanton dismissal of one word in our language because some men are whiny and pouty. I think that's excessive and unnecessary.

 

[Peaches]

I fail to see how he is nice. Entitled, maybe, but nice?

Nah.

That being said, I've been on the receiving end of "You're a nice guy, but" so many times, but it's never been about me being nice. I'm nice because I like being nice, not to impress people. It's never about me being nice. It usually has to do with her not being physically attracted to me, however.

I haven't read all 7 pages of this but I have also been trying to work what this "Nice Guy Syndrome" is and how the guy mentioned by the OP was "Nice" in the normal sense of the word, I don't think he was that bad either actually asides from complaining a lot.

And yes I too agree with the 2nd paragraph that I quoted above I have heard so many times "You're a really nice guy, easy to talk to, funny, sensitive, you are so creative and I love being with you. It's just I don't think you are what I am looking for, can we still be friends?"

Yeah friends, well no I'm not interested in being your "spare" just in case the gardenia you are rejecting me for dumps you, I'm not interested in someone who tells me how great I am and yet in the same breath rejects me.

If anything that kind of crap sparks "Nice Guy Syndrome" where the genuine nice guys turn into "Players" and try and get as much as they can from a woman as soon as they can before she tells him how great he is and how they just aren't looking for someone who will treat them right just now.

"Nice Guy" syndrome is a term for a man who feels entitled to sex from a woman because he was "nice" to her. It's sarcasm. This kind of guy is actually not nice. You fail to see how he was that bad? How about harassing me with text messages out of the blue on a Sunday night after I have respectfully deleted his # under the understanding that he didn't want to be friends (he should have done the same) and having to put up with his whining and angry resentment towards women for not wanting to "fresia him" (this is his language I'm quoting by the way) and under the understanding that I am one of those women who gave him a chance by going on 3 dates, took the time to get to know him and decided it's not going to happen. He took out his frustration on me by surprise and he had no right because after all, he is not my friend. And it upset me very much that evening.

uuuuugh, those guys are the worst, I hate them

 

[Alonewith2cats]

I was hurt and stunned. It was years later that I learned of "Nice Guy Syndrome" and I realized that I had unwittingly been a casualty. I'm so angry, and if I hear any man call himself a "nice guy" or refer to "the friend zone" I automatically dislike them.

So, it's come to this, huh? Now we can't use the word "nice" anymore? So, what's the replacement? "Kind guy?" "Polite guy?" "Non-annoying guy?"

I'm open to any appropriate substitutions to avoid offending people. I wouldn't want to piss people off because I dare to be nice.

You don't have to replace the word nice. The point is that there is a difference between someone who is actually nice, a true genuinely nice person and a "nice" guy, someone who is only nice to someone in order to get something, someone who calls himself nice but is actually not nice. The woman who posted this is referring to someone who pretended to be her friend in order to get something from her and stopped being her friend because it hasn't happened. It actually is not a nice thing to do.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I fail to see how he is nice. Entitled, maybe, but nice?

Nah.

That being said, I've been on the receiving end of "You're a nice guy, but" so many times, but it's never been about me being nice. I'm nice because I like being nice, not to impress people. It's never about me being nice. It usually has to do with her not being physically attracted to me, however.

I haven't read all 7 pages of this but I have also been trying to work what this "Nice Guy Syndrome" is and how the guy mentioned by the OP was "Nice" in the normal sense of the word, I don't think he was that bad either actually asides from complaining a lot.

And yes I too agree with the 2nd paragraph that I quoted above I have heard so many times "You're a really nice guy, easy to talk to, funny, sensitive, you are so creative and I love being with you. It's just I don't think you are what I am looking for, can we still be friends?"

Yeah friends, well no I'm not interested in being your "spare" just in case the gardenia you are rejecting me for dumps you, I'm not interested in someone who tells me how great I am and yet in the same breath rejects me.

If anything that kind of crap sparks "Nice Guy Syndrome" where the genuine nice guys turn into "Players" and try and get as much as they can from a woman as soon as they can before she tells him how great he is and how they just aren't looking for someone who will treat them right just now.

I don't think they always mean malice by it, but I certainly can relate. Many women don't see how insulting this can be.

It has gotten to the point where I just know it is coming. But I suppose I will keep on asking, hoping that it will not happen the next time.