So my last thread got a little hairy towards the end there and it was seen fit to close it. Understandably so. I'd like to apologize to those who found what I had to say offensive or upsetting. It was truth, but an unpleasant one nonetheless.
Day 117.
A couple of weeks ago I finally hooked up my old external hard drive after it having sat around gathering dust for a some time. Among other things I found a folder of pornography. But very specific pornography. It was my methadone folder, so to speak. There are 4 folders inside. One has images of petite adult women. One has images of petite adult women that have been altered to make them look younger. One has non-nude, non-coerced images of children (innocent candid pictures taken by parents or self-shot). The last one has drawings, sketches, animations, etc. depicting children; mostly graphic.
I had put that folder together over a year ago when I was trying to abstain from illegal material. It was a crutch. Today, this forum is what helps me and it has been far more effective. My folder sometimes worked, sometimes didn't. But the support I receive here has worked every time so far.
When I found the folder my first instinct was to delete it. I don't need it anymore and most of what is in there goes against my new philosophy. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. I've heard of addicts who have success in recovery but still keep a pack of cigarettes, a bottle of liquor, etc. Not to use, but to comfort them knowing that it's available. And that's how I felt. I wanted it around, not because I wanted to look at what's inside, but because I wanted to know I could. I'm not sure it makes much sense because up until then...I wouldn't quite say I'd forgotten about it...but I hadn't thought about that folder in a long time.
Anyway, a lot of you have given me advice in the past to approach this as an addiction and right now that's what this feels like. It only makes sense to think of it that way. If I were an addict in recovery exhibiting this behavior, what's the proper way to handle the situation?
Thank you.
Day 117.
A couple of weeks ago I finally hooked up my old external hard drive after it having sat around gathering dust for a some time. Among other things I found a folder of pornography. But very specific pornography. It was my methadone folder, so to speak. There are 4 folders inside. One has images of petite adult women. One has images of petite adult women that have been altered to make them look younger. One has non-nude, non-coerced images of children (innocent candid pictures taken by parents or self-shot). The last one has drawings, sketches, animations, etc. depicting children; mostly graphic.
I had put that folder together over a year ago when I was trying to abstain from illegal material. It was a crutch. Today, this forum is what helps me and it has been far more effective. My folder sometimes worked, sometimes didn't. But the support I receive here has worked every time so far.
When I found the folder my first instinct was to delete it. I don't need it anymore and most of what is in there goes against my new philosophy. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. I've heard of addicts who have success in recovery but still keep a pack of cigarettes, a bottle of liquor, etc. Not to use, but to comfort them knowing that it's available. And that's how I felt. I wanted it around, not because I wanted to look at what's inside, but because I wanted to know I could. I'm not sure it makes much sense because up until then...I wouldn't quite say I'd forgotten about it...but I hadn't thought about that folder in a long time.
Anyway, a lot of you have given me advice in the past to approach this as an addiction and right now that's what this feels like. It only makes sense to think of it that way. If I were an addict in recovery exhibiting this behavior, what's the proper way to handle the situation?
Thank you.