Redemption come with a price.

[SofiasMami]

I recently ran into someone I grew up with. He was a year older than me and would always make fun of me due to my weight. He was a bully and I've never forgotten the things he would tell me. I ran into him at my barbers and he was telling me about his life. How he's divorced but sober now. He said it was good to see me and that it was good I was still in town. He told my barber that we grew up together. I then proceeded to tell him how much I hated all the torment he put me through. He said he was sorry and that was a long time ago. I told him I've carried this with me my whole life(I'm 41 now) and his new outlook on life doesn't change my view on him. He then got this depressed look as if he finally realized what his past actions have done to people. So to those of you seeking redemption, remember that it comes with a price and things aren't always sunshine and rainbows after you feel better about yourself. I will never forgive this guy or any other people who bullied me as a youth. And I let it be known to them. Sometimes the damage is not repairable.

Nor do you need to forgive anyone who abused you, in my opinion. Who knows how much this person affected the trajectory of your life? To think otherwise would be a serious denial. Bullies don't stop until they truly see for themselves how much damage they do. To pretend to this man that everything is all right would have been a major disservice.
I've encountered abusive people in my life and I've never thought that I need to "forgive" them. But I also know that living well is the best revenge.

-Teresa

---

A couple of good left hooks to the guy's head and face will make you feel a lot better.

See, that's the solution while you're being picked on. I don't care what anyone says, violence is the only answer sometimes. And I don't care how that sounds. Maybe if kids weren't so coddled and cuddled, and were taught how and when to fight, issues like this wouldn't come about so much.

Everyone's got a plan until they get punched in the mouth.

I got picked on by this little twat for a few years when I was 12 or so.
And one day I snapped and grab him by his throat, slammed him into a wall and told him to shut the fresia up. He never said a word to me after that.

Sounds like you literally knocked some sense into him. You probably did him a favor.

-Teresa

 

[ardour]

It would be very surprising if some of the nastiest individuals in secondary school had changed all that much as adults. I was an immature idiot, but one can grow out of that, but sociopathy? More polite, aware of what's expected of an adult, but not better people.

To be blunt I'm not sure I would have handled the situation this way. What the OP did was grant this guy power over him again. There's no need to care what he thinks or if he 'gets it'.

See, that's the solution while you're being picked on. I don't care what anyone says, violence is the only answer sometimes. And I don't care how that sounds. Maybe if kids weren't so coddled and cuddled, and were taught how and when to fight, issues like this wouldn't come about so much.

Everyone's got a plan until they get punched in the mouth.

Unless it's mainly verbal harassment, which is often what it is once kids get to their mid-teens. And even if it's physical they usually have a group of friends backing them all the way. Bullies also tend to be popular with staff, so any consequences will usually be borne by whoever retaliates.

I'm also pretty selective of who I have on mine. For the most part I don't go out of my way to "friend" people from high school or earlier, even if they were neutral to me. It's just because that part of my life is past, I'm not going back that way and we really don't have anything to discuss. We don't need to know what we're doing over a decade after the fact. There's a few people I'm interested in staying in touch with because I hold them in high regard and always have, but that's it. Then there's high school people I remove, only to request me back later several times, just to keep on not talking to me. I don't get it.

Simple: they want to grow their friend list to as large as possible by requesting literally anyone they've ever known, been around or crossed paths with.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Unless it's mainly verbal harassment, which is often what it is once kids get to their mid-teens. And even if it's physical they usually have a group of friends backing them all the way. Bullies also tend to be popular with staff, so any consequences will usually be borne by whoever retaliates.

The kids that I knew that had bully tendencies were just as unpopular with teachers and staff as they were with a majority of the student body. I've seen you say that before, and while that might be the case with some kids, it's not true for all of them. I can think of at least 2 or 3 bullying kids in my school days that were constantly getting in trouble - and not all of it was fair - and serving detentions and in-school suspensions, as well as out of school suspensions.

I think you're looking at it through hooded eyes because of your perception of it. While I'm not saying that you're wrong because some of those kids tend to have a lot of likable personalities by many people, it's not totally skimped over by everyone. A lot of these kids act that way because they have the thought in their mind that it's them against the world and that everyone's out to get them. Many times, it's their environment that leads them to act out and behave the way they do. Abusive parents or step-parents, or perhaps even other family members that may abuse them in various ways.

Not trying to justify it at all, because regardless of environment, we all make a choice on how we act. Going through A doesn't mean it's always necessary to act like B. Even at school age, we're aware enough of how we act. But it's not always so cut-paste-dry. There are many things that factor into a lot of these cases, some of which we probably would never imagine.

 

[ardour]

The kids that I knew that had bully tendencies were just as unpopular with teachers and staff as they were with a majority of the student body. I've seen you say that before, and while that might be the case with some kids, it's not true for all of them. I can think of at least 2 or 3 bullying kids in my school days that were constantly getting in trouble - and not all of it was fair - and serving detentions and in-school suspensions, as well as out of school suspensions.

I think you're looking at it through hooded eyes because of your perception of it. While I'm not saying that you're wrong because some of those kids tend to have a lot of likable personalities by many people, it's not totally skimped over by everyone. A lot of these kids act that way because they have the thought in their mind that it's them against the world and that everyone's out to get them. Many times, it's their environment that leads them to act out and behave the way they do. Abusive parents or step-parents, or perhaps even other family members that may abuse them in various ways.

Not trying to justify it at all, because regardless of environment, we all make a choice on how we act. Going through A doesn't mean it's always necessary to act like B. Even at school age, we're aware enough of how we act. But it's not always so cut-paste-dry. There are many things that factor into a lot of these cases, some of which we probably would never imagine.

The bullies or nastier kids I encountered were typically popular, overconfident and from high income backgrounds. Teachers did very little if anything about their behaviour. They were not 'kids with issues', they acted that way because they could, because they got off on it.

 

[lonelypanda]

Simple: they want to grow their friend list to as large as possible by requesting literally anyone they've ever known, been around or crossed paths with.

I think some of it is they are nosey, they want to see where you are in life, compare their life to yours. Meh I deleted facebook a while ago, it became more of a brag fest than people connecting. When I was first on fb people talked more, made groups and plans, BBQ invites, messages with good conversations. Around the time I deleted my fb it was all just people one upping eachother and perves in my inbox, people being overly judgmental. The only thing I miss about Facebook was reading the confessions pages, they were entertaining.

 

[LonelySutton]

I think some of it is they are nosey, they want to see where you are in life, compare their life to yours.

Probably some of those things. But I don't get when I see someone who was tormented buddy buddy with the tormentors. Even if the tormented has a good life now to show off, there is something about me what doesn't want the tormentors to know.

For my 25th high school reunion the organizer (who was a decent person) tracked me down at work (I am listed on the public website) and called me to see if I wanted to go. Um...no. Later I looked at the photos and (1) I was shocked at how bad a lot of them looked and (2) how many people when that should not have. Really that is the entire reason they wanted me there so much... to Judge.

 

[lonelypanda]

I think some of it is they are nosey, they want to see where you are in life, compare their life to yours.

Probably some of those things. But I don't get when I see someone who was tormented buddy buddy with the tormentors. Even if the tormented has a good life now to show off, there is something about me what doesn't want the tormentors to know.

For my 25th high school reunion the organizer (who was a decent person) tracked me down at work (I am listed on the public website) and called me to see if I wanted to go. Um...no. Later I looked at the photos and (1) I was shocked at how bad a lot of them looked and (2) how many people when that should not have. Really that is the entire reason they wanted me there so much... to Judge.

I'm with you on that, not giving them anything to gossip about. I had a reunion recently too and didn't even care to respond. Non of these people were my friend or nice to me so why would I care to see them now. I've kept in touch with people I wanted to from high school, anyone else I don't really care to know them or their life.

 

[Despicable Me]

A couple of good left hooks to the guy's head and face will make you feel a lot better.

I'm just curious, but have you actually ever been in a fight?
It certainly doesn't make you feel better. It hurts your hands like hell to punch someone, especially in the face. And don't forget the punches they'll get back on you. You're going to walk away sore from absolutely any fight, even ones where they don't fight back.
Might you feel better emotionally? Possibly, but if you really get off on beating people, just because you feel they deserve it, then you've only succeeded to become the monster that you hate so much. And that probably is not what you want.

Though, there's a difference between fighting for the Past and fighting for the Now. There are absolutely times when it is important to defend yourself. And when you fail to defend yourself a regret, a fear, and a hatred grows. That is probably why people fight over the past. Those same regrets, fears, and hate.

You don't know how his life was, how much he suffered. People always think forgiveness is so easy.

Forgiveness is easy. When you know how. In my experience it is only figuring out why forgiveness is important that is difficult.
One key to that is understanding forgiveness is that it is not supposed to make everything right or just, nor is it supposed to make you happy. Forgiveness gives you peace. It eliminates your hates, your fears, and your regrets.

Many people seem to think forgiveness is just supposed to suddenly fill this void in their lives. To make everything good again. It doesn't. Even if this were created by other people, simply forgiving those people will not fill that space. But what it does do is stop you from making that hole any bigger than it already is. Then that gives you the time to start filling it. One step at a time, and all that.

 

[TheSkaFish]

The bullies or nastier kids I encountered were typically popular, overconfident and from high income backgrounds. Teachers did very little if anything about their behaviour. They were not 'kids with issues', they acted that way because they could, because they got off on it.

My experience was similar to ardour's. For the most part, the bullies weren't kids with "issues" that were struggling in life. They were snotty, bratty rich kids who were popular, cocky, and cowardly - they would always attack in packs, never alone. And never when any parents and teachers were present. Like you said, ardour, I think they knew right from wrong perfectly well, and just chose to do wrong, because they enjoyed a feeling of being "better than you" and doing wrong is "cool".

---

I'm with you on that, not giving them anything to gossip about. I had a reunion recently too and didn't even care to respond. Non of these people were my friend or nice to me so why would I care to see them now. I've kept in touch with people I wanted to from high school, anyone else I don't really care to know them or their life.

I didn't even get an invite to mine, though I did know about it. I wonder if it's because I unfriended so many people from the past. I don't know. There's only a few people I wanted to see anyway. Most people weren't really mean to me anyway, and the biggest jerks weren't even in my year. But we just don't have common interests. They like stuff like going to the bar, sports, TV, and their jobs. Not that there's even anything wrong with that, but they are just interests I don't really have. I like stuff like toys and sci fi and fantasy and aliens and creatures. There's no overlap, nothing to talk about.

---

Many people seem to think forgiveness is just supposed to suddenly fill this void in their lives. To make everything good again. It doesn't. Even if this were created by other people, simply forgiving those people will not fill that space. But what it does do is stop you from making that hole any bigger than it already is. Then that gives you the time to start filling it. One step at a time, and all that.

For me, I released my old feelings not through forgiveness, but by realizing that it didn't matter. These people who bullied me have no power over my life. The things they said weren't true, and they can't withhold anything from me or limit me in any way. I realized that they are nobodies and nothing they say or opinions they hold carry any weight.

It's not so much forgiveness as it is shrugging it off. Do I feel bad if a mosquito or horsefly bit me? No. It's just a minor annoyance which is quickly forgotten. I'm sure they would want me to see them as a big bad threat, as a limitation, as superior. But I think of them as utterly insignificant. I don't take anything they say or have said seriously.

 

[Despicable Me]

For me, I released my old feelings not through forgiveness, but by realizing that it didn't matter. These people who bullied me have no power over my life. The things they said weren't true, and they can't withhold anything from me or limit me in any way. I realized that they are nobodies and nothing they say or opinions they hold carry any weight.

It's not so much forgiveness as it is shrugging it off. Do I feel bad if a mosquito or horsefly bit me? No. It's just a minor annoyance which is quickly forgotten. I'm sure they would want me to see them as a big bad threat, as a limitation, as superior. But I think of them as utterly insignificant. I don't take anything they say or have said seriously.

Is it odd that I even forgive the insects? I feel bad killing any of them. I do not really want to hurt anything. I will still kill a mosquito biting me, but I know that it is only because she wants children. Do you know that mosquitoes only require blood to produce eggs? They normally eat flower nectar. Only the females drink blood, so that they can have a family. I cannot blame them for what they do. I can only stop them when they do it. And, perhaps for my own sake, I can try to understand why they do what they do.

It would be the same for a bully. If I came face to face with them, and I knew they had no intentions of hurting anyone anymore, how could I not forgive them? The person I hated long ago is dead along with the person that they bullied. We are both dead, but we are both reborn. What good do grudges of past lives make? Things change. People change. People had their reasons. I had my reasons. The past is the past.
Sometimes I wonder what right I have to end something else's life? Even a mosquito or a fly. I do not really see any justification for these things. So I stopped trying to justify myself a long time ago. I have killed many things. I am a murderer. We are all murderers, I think. This is our nature. There is no way to justify it. It is simply who we are. We must accept that. I have done both good and bad. I am not a good person, but I am not a bad one either. Life is never so simple as to be black and white. It is why we have color in the world.
So if that bully still bullies? If they still destroy? If they still harm others? I have no problems standing up to them. I would have no problems hurting them. I am not really the kind of person who you want to mess with, either. I am not the person who I used to be anymore.

Part of learning to forgive was so that I could also forgive myself for everything that I do, and everything that I am. Otherwise that void in my life would have kept growing. Eventually it would consume everyone and everything. There would have been nothing left.

This is how I see things now. This is how I live now.
There is still a void within me, one I will never be able to fill, but I have stopped it from consuming me and everything else around me. And that is enough.

 

[lonelypanda]

I'm just curious, but have you actually ever been in a fight?
It certainly doesn't make you feel better. It hurts your hands like hell to punch someone, especially in the face. And don't forget the punches they'll get back on you. You're going to walk away sore from absolutely any fight, even ones where they don't fight back.
Might you feel better emotionally? Possibly, but if you really get off on beating people, just because you feel they deserve it, then you've only succeeded to become the monster that you hate so much. And that probably is not what you want.

[\quote]

I have to disagree, I think it feels amazing to beat the honeysuckle out of somebody. I've never laid hands first either, once they make that first shot it's go time. I don't care if I lose or win im going ape honeysuckle. Ive never lost though. Alot of people underestimate me, I don't talk agressive, I'm very kid like, anytime the topic comes up people are like "oh no way you dont look like you can fight" Seriously I'm like a panda, cute to look at haha but at the end of the day I'm still a bear! Grrrrr don't mess with me.



One of my fav fights I was 19, at a friends house where they had mutual friends. I had pink hair back then and someone came up and told me "oh that girl wants to fight you cuz you have pink hair". I brushed it off and continued my night, but later when leaving she confronts me all aggressive, once she took that first shot it was over for her, shined the floor with her ass. After that i heard she went and got bear mace and was running around the neighborhood looking for me. Yeah *****, you're gonna need bear mace this time. Lol never did see her again, and not a scratch on me.

---

I didn't even get an invite to mine, though I did know about it. I wonder if it's because I unfriended so many people from the past. I don't know. There's only a few people I wanted to see anyway. Most people weren't really mean to me anyway, and the biggest jerks weren't even in my year. But we just don't have common interests. They like stuff like going to the bar, sports, TV, and their jobs. Not that there's even anything wrong with that, but they are just interests I don't really have. I like stuff like toys and sci fi and fantasy and aliens and creatures. There's no overlap, nothing to talk about.
[\quote]

I wasn't really bullied in school, there was a few instances of people starting with me but nothing major. I was a loner, haha to me it would be awkward. I have terrible memory, even now sometimes people will recognize me from school and I have to fake remember them. Also some of them were bullies, maybe not to me, but I don't want to hang around people who are cruel by nature. People usually don't change, theres bullies at my work and they were prob bullies in high school. They never outgrow it.

I'm pretty used to not having common ground with people. I've never met anyone like me haha I'm one of a kind. I'm pretty open minded though, I believe you can find common ground with most people if you try, plus I love trying new things. Sometimes I like it and it'll become my hobby or interest and other times it's not for me but atleast I tried.

ETA I don't know why I can't quote properly haha I suck at life.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I've never laid hands first either, once they make that first shot it's go time. I don't care if I lose or win im going ape honeysuckle. Ive never lost though. Alot of people underestimate me, I don't talk agressive, I'm very kid like, anytime the topic comes up people are like "oh no way you dont look like you can fight" Seriously I'm like a panda, cute to look at haha but at the end of the day I'm still a bear! Grrrrr don't mess with me.

I just have to say... That's one of the best things I've ever read. It's nice to know that there are people who don't hide behind anything - race, gender, height, weight, age - and will stand up for themselves, even if they don't look like they can. I know someone would look at me, and probably go, "What's she gonna do? Wobble on me to death? Sit on me and suffocate me?" But I can fight if I have to. I must admit though, my mouth has probably won me more things than my fists ever could.

 

[lonelypanda]

I've never laid hands first either, once they make that first shot it's go time. I don't care if I lose or win im going ape honeysuckle. Ive never lost though. Alot of people underestimate me, I don't talk agressive, I'm very kid like, anytime the topic comes up people are like "oh no way you dont look like you can fight" Seriously I'm like a panda, cute to look at haha but at the end of the day I'm still a bear! Grrrrr don't mess with me.

I just have to say... That's one of the best things I've ever read. It's nice to know that there are people who don't hide behind anything - race, gender, height, weight, age - and will stand up for themselves, even if they don't look like they can. I know someone would look at me, and probably go, "What's she gonna do? Wobble on me to death? Sit on me and suffocate me?" But I can fight if I have to. I must admit though, my mouth has probably won me more things than my fists ever could.

I think that's a personality trait. My doctor said your personality is set from 5, thinking back I am the same way I was when I was in grade school. Stubborn, independent, never went with the flow, never cared what people thought, even if they teased me i was confident enough that it never phased me.

My daughter is going through some bullying and the schools don't do much. She's 7 and a boy punched her really hard, not the first time either and they've done nothing. It's taking every ounce of my being not to go over to the school and beat the honeysuckle out of a little 7 yr old boy. When I was her exact age that was happening to me, but I turned around and bit him so hard he bled, never bothered me again. My daughters so mousy though and sweet, she's not the "stand up for yourself" kinda kid and she's so obsessed with fitting in. It scares me, I want to toughen her up. Another little girl told her she looks like a boy because she wears pants, since then she refuses to wear pants and will only wear skirts and dresses to school

 

[Despicable Me]

I have to disagree, I think it feels amazing to beat the honeysuckle out of somebody. I've never laid hands first either

Well that is a totally different thing than what I was talking about.
The discussion was about beating some guy who used to be a bully but has since changed.
So unless you provoked him to swing first then I'd assume you'd be the one swinging first. And if you provoked him that would basically mean you're still to blame anyway.
Anyone walking away from a fight they started feeling good about themselves should be ashamed, because they have only become a bully themselves. If they wanted to do that they should do it when the person is actually bullying them and not several years later.
In the end when someone looks back on their life I highly doubt there's anyone who is proud of the fact they attacked someone who used to bully them back in school. It just doesn't make much sense. People who would be proud of something like that are people who are very miserable and did not allow themselves to be happy.

But you're talking about acts of self-defense.
As I implied earlier, one should know how to stand up for oneself. It is immediately important. Fighting for that is something that anyone could be proud of, so long as they don't get carried away. You still have to know when to walk away. Getting carried away and seriously injuring someone, even if they 'swung first', is still immoral, unethical, and almost always illegal.

The difference here is that some people hold on to the past for too long and do not let it die, even if things have legitimately changed. No one has to 'forgive their childhood bully', but they do need to forgive themselves for allowing themselves to get bullied, and for not standing up for themselves and fighting back. You cannot live a normal life carrying that kind of burden, with self-blame. And bullying your old bully does not resolve that kind of issue. Forgiving yourself does.

 

[TheRealCallie]

The difference here is that some people hold on to the past for too long and do not let it die, even if things have legitimately changed. No one has to 'forgive their childhood bully', but they do need to forgive themselves for allowing themselves to get bullied, and for not standing up for themselves and fighting back. You cannot live a normal life carrying that kind of burden, with self-blame. And bullying your old bully does not resolve that kind of issue. Forgiving yourself does.

I agree, this is what I was getting at.

 

[lonelypanda]

I have to disagree, I think it feels amazing to beat the honeysuckle out of somebody. I've never laid hands first either

Well that is a totally different thing than what I was talking about.
The discussion was about beating some guy who used to be a bully but has since changed.
So unless you provoked him to swing first then I'd assume you'd be the one swinging first. And if you provoked him that would basically mean you're still to blame anyway.
Anyone walking away from a fight they started feeling good about themselves should be ashamed, because they have only become a bully themselves. If they wanted to do that they should do it when the person is actually bullying them and not several years later.
In the end when someone looks back on their life I highly doubt there's anyone who is proud of the fact they attacked someone who used to bully them back in school. It just doesn't make much sense. People who would be proud of something like that are people who are very miserable and did not allow themselves to be happy.

But you're talking about acts of self-defense.
As I implied earlier, one should know how to stand up for oneself. It is immediately important. Fighting for that is something that anyone could be proud of, so long as they don't get carried away. You still have to know when to walk away. Getting carried away and seriously injuring someone, even if they 'swung first', is still immoral, unethical, and almost always illegal.

The difference here is that some people hold on to the past for too long and do not let it die, even if things have legitimately changed. No one has to 'forgive their childhood bully', but they do need to forgive themselves for allowing themselves to get bullied, for not standing up for themselves and fighting back. You cannot live a normal life carrying that kind of burden, and bullying your old bully does not resolve that kind of issue.

My bad, missed that part lol for sure I wouldn't go years later and attack someone, that's no better. You just become the monster you hate.

I don't think everyone can defend themselves though, especially when it's a popular group of kids and they work in packs. I fight back, but if I was being bullied by a group of people everytime I fought back I'd get my ass handed to me.

Bullying needs to start with the parents, I've noticed a pattern around here with what I've deemed "picnic bench parents". They take their kids to the park but have their faces in their phone and don't watch their kids. One time when my daughter was 4 she walked up to a little boy, around her age, same height. She said "hi". This kid slapped her across the face, I was so stunned, I looked at the parents and they didn't do honeysuckle i went straight up to that kid and in a stern tone said to him "you do not slap people, that is not nice". The parents looked at me like o.0. I don't remember my exact words to them, but I gave them honeysuckle for not doing anything. I don't blame the kids, that's why I've always closely watched how my daughter interacts with other kids. That's my job as a parent, to teach her how to socialize properly. When she's shoving her way infront of a kid to go down the slide, I'm there telling her no that's rude, wait your turn. It's not how the child acts, kids will do wrong things, it's how the parents react and correct the behavior. Parents doing nothing is part of why kids go into to school thinking it's normal to hit and punch people. No one's ever told them different. The schools don't take it seriously either and thats prob number 2.

 

[Despicable Me]

My bad, missed that part lol for sure I wouldn't go years later and attack someone, that's no better. You just become the monster you hate.

I don't think everyone can defend themselves though, especially when it's a popular group of kids and they work in packs. I fight back, but if I was being bullied by a group of people everytime I fought back I'd get my ass handed to me.

Bullying needs to start with the parents, I've noticed a pattern around here with what I've deemed "picnic bench parents". They take their kids to the park but have their faces in their phone and don't watch their kids. One time when my daughter was 4 she walked up to a little boy, around her age, same height. She said "hi". This kid slapped her across the face, I was so stunned, I looked at the parents and they didn't do honeysuckle i went straight up to that kid and in a stern tone said to him "you do not slap people, that is not nice". The parents looked at me like o.0. I don't remember my exact words to them, but I gave them honeysuckle for not doing anything. I don't blame the kids, that's why I've always closely watched how my daughter interacts with other kids. That's my job as a parent, to teach her how to socialize properly. When she's shoving her way infront of a kid to go down the slide, I'm there telling her no that's rude, wait your turn. It's not how the child acts, kids will do wrong things, it's how the parents react and correct the behavior. Parents doing nothing is part of why kids go into to school thinking it's normal to hit and punch people. No one's ever told them different. The schools don't take it seriously either and thats prob number 2.

Exactly. I completely agree. It's the same sort of stuff I've seen, too. So many parents just don't even seem to care at all. I only assume it's because they've got major issues at home or work, but that's just me dreaming up excuses for them and I probably shouldn't do that.

I wasn't always like I am now, though. I never stood up for myself back when I was in school. I really just didn't care about anything and I had tons of emotional issues, too.
Today I've got no issues with standing up for myself or fighting anyone. Though, these days I'm actually the "kill them with kindness" kind of guy. From my experience people seem to respond better to that. That doesn't work so well online when people can't hear my tone and I can't read their expressions. Luckily there's really not many serious issues you can run into online, so long as you can ignore all the trolling everywhere. But when the niceness doesn't work, I can get pretty cruel. The nice words turn themselves into sharp daggers. Luckily it rarely ever goes that far. I can physically fight rather well, too, despite appearances, but it's never gotten that far before.

 

[ardour]

Bullying needs to start with the parents, I've noticed a pattern around here with what I've deemed "picnic bench parents". They take their kids to the park but have their faces in their phone and don't watch their kids. One time when my daughter was 4 she walked up to a little boy, around her age, same height. She said "hi". This kid slapped her across the face, I was so stunned, I looked at the parents and they didn't do honeysuckle i went straight up to that kid and in a stern tone said to him "you do not slap people, that is not nice". The parents looked at me like o.0. I don't remember my exact words to them, but I gave them honeysuckle for not doing anything. I don't blame the kids, that's why I've always closely watched how my daughter interacts with other kids. That's my job as a parent, to teach her how to socialize properly. When she's shoving her way infront of a kid to go down the slide, I'm there telling her no that's rude, wait your turn. It's not how the child acts, kids will do wrong things, it's how the parents react and correct the behavior. Parents doing nothing is part of why kids go into to school thinking it's normal to hit and punch people. No one's ever told them different. The schools don't take it seriously either and thats prob number 2.

Agree with this. So often I see parents in cafes or out in public indulge their children like they're royalty, act is if they can do no wrong, sit by idly while the little brats run rampart harassing other children and annoying adults. It's usually upper middle class parents who don't seem to reprimand their children, or do so only half-heartedly in front of others.

I have a theory about this: it isn't necessarily negligent parenting, they want their children to grow up self-centered under the conception it will make them more likely to be successful (ie. ruthless) as adults, and help carry on the family name. Bullying, merciless teasing, general nastiness towards unpopular kids is all fine as it prefigures the kind of class hierarchies the parents believe in.

 

[SofiasMami]

Bullying needs to start with the parents, I've noticed a pattern around here with what I've deemed "picnic bench parents". They take their kids to the park but have their faces in their phone and don't watch their kids. One time when my daughter was 4 she walked up to a little boy, around her age, same height. She said "hi". This kid slapped her across the face, I was so stunned, I looked at the parents and they didn't do honeysuckle i went straight up to that kid and in a stern tone said to him "you do not slap people, that is not nice". The parents looked at me like o.0. I don't remember my exact words to them, but I gave them honeysuckle for not doing anything. I don't blame the kids, that's why I've always closely watched how my daughter interacts with other kids. That's my job as a parent, to teach her how to socialize properly. When she's shoving her way infront of a kid to go down the slide, I'm there telling her no that's rude, wait your turn. It's not how the child acts, kids will do wrong things, it's how the parents react and correct the behavior. Parents doing nothing is part of why kids go into to school thinking it's normal to hit and punch people. No one's ever told them different. The schools don't take it seriously either and thats prob number 2.

Agree with this. So often I see parents in cafes or out in public indulge their children like their royalty, act is if they can do no wrong, sit by idly while the little brats run rampart harassing other children and annoying adults. It's usually upper middle class parents who don't seem to reprimand their children, or do so only half-heartedly in front of others.

I have a theory about this: it isn't necessarily negligent parenting, they want their children to grow up self-centered under the conception it will make them more likely to be successful (ie. ruthless) as adults, and help carry on the family name. Bullying, merciless teasing, general nastiness towards unpopular kids is all fine as it prefigures the kind of class hierarchies the parents believe in.

I agree with this totally. I had an eye-opening experience at a playground a few years ago. I was watching my daughter play and a young kid went up to a man nearby who was probably his dad and said something like "Johnny is being mean to Billy and making him cry". And what did dad say? Paraphrasing here - "Don't help Billy, he needs to learn to toughen up and take it."
It's a nasty world out there and even if you're trying to teach your own kids how to behave in a civilized fashion, there are a TON of other parents who just don't give a honeysuckle.

And while I'm here, I'll just say there are a whole lot of moms - adult women - who never grew up past the "mean girls" stage and are more than willing to bully and be passive aggressive to other adults - no doubt passing those lovely traits down to their own kids in the process.

Sorry, you just hit a nerve here

-Teresa

 

[TheSkaFish]

Is it odd that I even forgive the insects? I feel bad killing any of them. I do not really want to hurt anything. I will still kill a mosquito biting me, but I know that it is only because she wants children. Do you know that mosquitoes only require blood to produce eggs? They normally eat flower nectar. Only the females drink blood, so that they can have a family. I cannot blame them for what they do. I can only stop them when they do it. And, perhaps for my own sake, I can try to understand why they do what they do.

I feel bad about killing insects and the like, as well. In fact, when I see them in the house, I try to catch them and toss them outside. In the cold months, I've been just leaving them alone entirely. I saw a spider inside yesterday but figured it was too cold for it outside, so I just left it be. I don't blame insects or similar creatures either. I just get irritated at the bites sometimes.

I knew it's only the female mosquitoes that bite, but I thought that's just what they ate. I didn't know that they mostly eat nectar. I learned something new today

No one has to 'forgive their childhood bully', but they do need to forgive themselves for allowing themselves to get bullied, and for not standing up for themselves and fighting back. You cannot live a normal life carrying that kind of burden, with self-blame.

This I can do. I don't forgive my childhood bullies, though now that I realize that they never truly had the power to hurt me, I can forget them.

But I can and do forgive myself, like you said - for allowing it to happen, for not standing up to them, and for not fighting back. I didn't know any better. It wasn't my fault for being weak or awkward or anything else, because it wasn't my fault at all. It was their fault for choosing to be rotten people. I learned my lesson that while it would be nice if we could all get along, some people just like to be jerks. But most of the time, they aren't worth ruining my mood. And knowing this, I feel it has been resolved.

---

Seriously I'm like a panda, cute to look at haha but at the end of the day I'm still a bear! Grrrrr don't mess with me.

^This made me chuckle

I wasn't really bullied in school, there was a few instances of people starting with me but nothing major. I was a loner, haha to me it would be awkward. I have terrible memory, even now sometimes people will recognize me from school and I have to fake remember them. Also some of them were bullies, maybe not to me, but I don't want to hang around people who are cruel by nature. People usually don't change, theres bullies at my work and they were prob bullies in high school. They never outgrow it.

That's how it was for me too. I wasn't bullied by everyone. Some people would start stuff from time to time but it never really turned into anything. There was just one particular group of jerks who had it in for me.

I agree with you, I wouldn't want to hang out with bullies either, even if they didn't bully me. It's like you said, they are cruel by nature. I feel like there is something very wrong with someone who finds fun in tormenting someone. It's not right.

ETA I don't know why I can't quote properly haha I suck at life.

It's because you're using the backwards slash, like this: [\quote]

Use the forward slash, the one on the same key as the question mark. That's the one you want, like this: [/quote]

There ya go

I think that's a personality trait. My doctor said your personality is set from 5, thinking back I am the same way I was when I was in grade school. Stubborn, independent, never went with the flow, never cared what people thought, even if they teased me i was confident enough that it never phased me.

My daughter is going through some bullying and the schools don't do much. She's 7 and a boy punched her really hard, not the first time either and they've done nothing. It's taking every ounce of my being not to go over to the school and beat the honeysuckle out of a little 7 yr old boy. When I was her exact age that was happening to me, but I turned around and bit him so hard he bled, never bothered me again. My daughters so mousy though and sweet, she's not the "stand up for yourself" kinda kid and she's so obsessed with fitting in. It scares me, I want to toughen her up. Another little girl told her she looks like a boy because she wears pants, since then she refuses to wear pants and will only wear skirts and dresses to school

Eh, I don't know if I agree with this. I don't think our personalities are set from age 5 onwards. Lots of things can change a person's personality for better or for worse. I think personalities are just collections of habits, and we learn to believe these collections of habits are who we really are. I do believe it's changeable though. It might be difficult at first, like any new habit. But I do believe a person can change their personality at least to some level.

Oh man. I was the same way as your daughter when I was a kid, only I was a guy so that probably made it worse for me. I was a mousy, nice, and sweet person, not the "stand up for yourself" kind of person at all. I only started thinking that way later, when I realized that I didn't want to be treated that way anymore.

I hope things can get better for your daughter and that she can learn to stand up for herself, but I hope that she can do so without sacrificing her sweet side. I hope that the other kids don't make her turn out bitter and jaded. I hope she can find the balance between confidence and friendliness.