Should one change for the other?

[Regumika]

Let me explain. given the example of smoking. If 1 smokes and meets 2. 2 does not smoke but would prefer that 1 does not. Should 1 work to stop smoking for 2, to make 2 happier? Should the reason to change ever be the other person?

Or should change only happen before you meet the person. That they accept you "for who you are". Another example. If 1 drinks and meets 2. 2 does not drinks but would prefer that 1 does not. 1 feels that they are starting to be addicted to drinking and decides to stop.

3rd example. If 1 drinks and meets 2. 2 does not drink but would prefer that 1 does not. 1 and 2 do not work out because 1 drinks too much and becomes unreasonable too often, causing real issues. 1 and 2 decides to split. 1 decides to stop drinking and meets 3. but if 1 just stopped drinking earlier, 1 and 2 would happily be together.

is there a line as to when you should change? is a line for what reasons you can change for? are there reasons that you shouldnt change for?

 

[Sci-Fi]

Those examples you listed are things that one person can change in themselves when they want too. They are health concerns, addictions. I know some people who are so bull headed and resistant to change they won't even stop for their significant other, a person who loves them and wants them to be healthier and with them for a very long time. My dad was an alcoholic and smoker, he died in his 40's leaving 2 sons without a father when they were 14, not that he spent much time with us anyway. He wouldn't quit for his wife, or the love of my mother, or for his own children. I had a coworker who "tried" but hasn't quit smoking with his wife's concerns. She wants him around for a long time but he doesn't care if he drops dead tomorrow, he knows it is bad for him, doesn't care. Addictions like that are hard to change in a person, they have to be the ones who want to change.

Now changing other aspects of a person I say no. People shouldn't have to change something about themselves for another. Both should be able to live with each others quirks. You hear that old stereotype all the time about the woman changing the man into what she wants, which is so stupid. Thankfully that doesn't seem to be tossed around as much these days. You should love a persons faults as well. Unless it is something unhealthy or destructive, or women training us guys to put the toilet seat down when we are done. LOL

 

[Okiedokes]

I think that when two people meet, they should discuss these issues before their relationship gets too serious. A lot of things need to be discussed and both people need to be as honest as possible, and open to the idea that it might not work out..but obviously..this is really...hard to do when we have all these strong feelings of lust or even love for a person. We think we can see through any kind of negative habit or even a quirk and well.. that's not always the case.

It's really important to not rush things, as I've learned myself, and to not let your "heart" do the logical thinking for you. In some cases, where something was not brought up or the other person didn't know before they got married for instance, then I do think the couple should try equally to help one another in either accepting the issue or getting rid of an issue and that's where it can be difficult. Something as your example, perhaps the person could try to stop or slowly stop drinking with help/love/encourage from the other person and without being forceful or putting an unrealistic time limit on it.

 

[Regumika]

Im sorry Sci Fi... and i unintentionally used health examples. but what you said is what im trying to figure out. should one do it for themselves. or do it for the one they love? or both, or neither.

i went back to read my own post.. it made sense at the time i wrote it.. but now its confusing >_>
lets say 1 really likes cars and 2 really likes art. compromise/support is always the answer, but should they try to change and like each others' interest? what if 1 likes pets and 2 doesnt? again compromise is the answer, but is 2 allowed to change for 1? what if 1 wants a big garden but 2 wants a basketball court in the backyard?

in my opinion, none of them should be relationship breaking factors.. and compromise would always be the answer, but what about change? is it allowed or not. and for what reason.

Okiedokies, yes, we should all discuss them, but like you said, often we are.. blinded, by our feelings and the rush =p

 

[Montreal Skye]

The examples you're giving are all things that can be solved by compromise though, half the yard a garden, the other half a b-ball court etc...your interests should always remain your interests because that's what makes you who you are. If you both can share that interest, then that's even better! But say, if you like cars and she doesn't want you working on your car or going to the Grand Prix, then no...don't change that for her (well unless you are obsessed and doing it 24/7, then I'd say you should think about her needs too). If she insists you give up something that makes you very happy, like a hobby or spending time with your family, friends or kids (if you have them), then obviously she's not willing to compromise and you'll only end up resenting her for "taking away" something that you really enjoy doing.

If it's trivial, like...she wants you to stop swearing, then you stop swearing. That's not a deal breaker. And as was mentioned, if it's an unhealthy habit, then that's something you should be changing for yourself first anyway.

 

[Regumika]

your interests should always remain your interests because that's what makes you who you are. If you both can share that interest, then that's even better! But say, if you like cars and she doesn't want you working on your car or going to the Grand Prix, then no...don't change that for her (well unless you are obsessed and doing it 24/7, then I'd say you should think about her needs too). If she insists you give up something that makes you very happy, like a hobby or spending time with your family, friends or kids (if you have them), then obviously she's not willing to compromise and you'll only end up resenting her for "taking away" something that you really enjoy doing.

this makes sense.. and i guess the ultimatum appears here too. yes, compromise is always the answer, but i think change is better than compromise, though also harder to do.

If it's trivial, like...she wants you to stop swearing, then you stop swearing. That's not a deal breaker.

so it IS okay and valid to change 'for' your s/o.

 

[Astral_Punisher]

I believe changing yourself in accordance with another person's wishes is a very dangerous thing to do.
We are all the sum of our experiences and life-style.

By changing a facet of our lives we are changing who we are, even if only a little. But over time, we may very well become something that we do not want to be, all because we changed a few little things about ourselves in order to please another person.
Is it wrong for 2 to ask 1 not to drink, smoke, swear, or work on a hobby for extended periods? I don't believe so.
Is it wrong for 2 to DEMAND 1 not to perform these activities? It may be.

This kind of comes into the territory of "Shouldn't we all aim to be our own best person". Ideally for our health, we shouldn't drink, smoke, swear or obsess. But in reality, these things can be a very real factor in defining who we are. In the end, it is up to the individual to weigh and consider the benefits and costs of any change to their lifestyle.

If 2 will leave 1 if 1 doesn't accede to 2's wishes, then that is another factor to consider.
Does 1 want to smoke, drink, swear and obsess, or does 1 want to have 2 in their life. Is it worth the cost of changing themselves into someone they might not want to be?

Personally, I want to try and stay healthy and hale so that I can enjoy my life-style for an extended period. Some people don't care so much, and may partake in smoking, drinking, drugs, etc.

If my partner was drinking, smoking, or etc. I would ask them to stop, and if they did not, I would take it as a sign that they are not the one for me. I would leave, and they would be poorer for it.

 

[Tiina63]

I think that, when it comes to issues such as smoking and drinking, the person has to give up because they want to rather than becasue their partner wantsthem to. I gave up smoking 6 years ago for reasons of health and have stuck to it. Years earlier I once went out with someone who was against my smoking, but I was unable to give up to please him, despite loving him. Instead, I felt hounded and stressed out by his going on at me to give up.
With hobbies and interests I agree with Montreal Skye that noone should try to make someone give up something they enjoy. I also think that noone should try and force their hobby on their partner if their partner has absolutely no interest in it. (I am thinking of the football matches I have had to sit through, the vintage car fair etc). I have some unusual hobbies-the Finnsh language and North Korea-and would not force them onto anyone else.
When it comes to personal traits such as being quiet or outgoing, being ambitious or unambitious etc then these are things which are part of the person and noone should try to change them. Instead, we must accept the other as s/he is, and love them for it.

 

[Callie]

I think that, when it comes to issues such as smoking and drinking, the person has to give up because they want to rather than becasue their partner wantsthem to. I gave up smoking 6 years ago for reasons of health and have stuck to it. Years earlier I once went out with someone who was against my smoking, but I was unable to give up to please him, despite loving him. Instead, I felt hounded and stressed out by his going on at me to give up.
With hobbies and interests I agree with Montreal Skye that noone should try to make someone give up something they enjoy. I also think that noone should try and force their hobby on their partner if their partner has absolutely no interest in it. (I am thinking of the football matches I have had to sit through, the vintage car fair etc). I have some unusual hobbies-the Finnsh language and North Korea-and would not force them onto anyone else.
When it comes to personal traits such as being quiet or outgoing, being ambitious or unambitious etc then these are things which are part of the person and noone should try to change them. Instead, we must accept the other as s/he is, and love them for it.

I agree with Tiina.

However, that said, there can be boundaries and compromises to make things a little better.
Taking alcohol for instance. My ex was an alcoholic. I tried to change that, I gave him ultimatums, I threatened to leave, etc etc. It just made it worse. After I got over my "oh he'll change if he really loves me" phase, I realized that it's not my place to make him change, it has to be his. So, after all that turmoil, I told him that he can drink, but he can NOT do it at home. After that, things settled down a lot, for a while we were getting along because I wasn't trying to force him to change.

As far as hobbies and whatnot goes. I think the partner should want to participate in the other's hobby. It doesn't have to be ALL the time, but every once in a while and if nothing else, at least ask about it. If they really enjoy something, you should want to be somewhat involved in it. It's all about compromise. After I got into photography, my ex would ask me occasionally if I'd taken any nice shots lately. And then there's my cooking. When I first started cooking, everything was horrible, but he tried every **** thing I ever made (and usually told me it tasted like honeysuckle.) lol But the day he did NOT say that, it was so gratifying. (not the best examples, I know, but you get my point)

So, pick your battles. It is really something that you should be trying to change in the person? You can tell them your concerns, but unless they want to change it, it will never happen.

 

[Sci-Fi]

The one thing that made me second guess getting into a relationship with a friend of mine was her wanting to change some of my hobbies. To her they were childish and unnecessary. She didn't understand the joy they brought me. After she saw first hand the work that I put into them it changed her perspective, though she figured I should still give them up cause I wouldn't have time for them anymore. Kind of glad she did what she did in the end and completely obliterated any chance for us so I never had to be put into that situation.

If it's something that isn't harming anyone or getting in the way or the relationship why worry about it?

 

[Gutted]

Honestly, I'd say no. Someone HAS to change because they want to. Not by force. Otherwise it'll only repress feelings on both sides which will eventually cause major problems. If I had a partner who smoked and I hated it that much, I'd just. Just as I'd not change if a partner wanted me to change. They could leave me and that would be fine by me.

 

[Montreal Skye]

but i think change is better than compromise, though also harder to do.

so it IS okay and valid to change 'for' your s/o.

My opinion is NO and NO. Change is better than compromise IF it's in your best interest as well. If you already want to change.

It is valid to change 'for' someone IF you want to again...if it's trivial or for health reasons like you gave examples of, then yeah. But I think we've all pretty much given you the same response, I think you're choosing to ignore it? Maybe I'm wrong, seems that way by your response.

 

[Astral_Punisher]

The one thing that made me second guess getting into a relationship with a friend of mine was her wanting to change some of my hobbies. To her they were childish and unnecessary. She didn't understand the joy they brought me. After she saw first hand the work that I put into them it changed her perspective, though she figured I should still give them up cause I wouldn't have time for them anymore. Kind of glad she did what she did in the end and completely obliterated any chance for us so I never had to be put into that situation.

If it's something that isn't harming anyone or getting in the way or the relationship why worry about it?

Peoples gotta have a hobby.

Idle hands and all that, I suppose .

 

[ladyforsaken]

so it IS okay and valid to change 'for' your s/o.

It is okay only if you really really sincerely want to. I meant, sincerely and truthfully want it.

I learned things the hard way. Tried to change a lot for ex, tried to be someone he wanted me to be. It was difficult but I thought, I'd do it for love.

Nope. Not a good way if you want your relationship to last. It created a strain on me subconsciously. As much as I hated to admit it, it was wearing me out.

You shouldn't have to change for your SO. I believe that if you love someone, you love everything about them, even bad habits. I'm not saying to actually love the fact that their SO is smoking, but to accept that it is part of who they are for that time being and if anything, in a relationship, things like these should be discussed before hand where I agree with what Okiedokes said. If your SO can't handle the fact that you don't wish to, for example, quit smoking entirely, then I don't think you should be together. It's gonna be tough. At least a compromise or mutual agreement should be considered if the couple wants things to work out...like he/she smokes elsewhere or on some occasions etc.