Sun is shining and I'm not going anywhere

[joejoeyjoseph]

So I sit at home, and the sun is out, and everything that pops into my head like "I should go to the beach, cause it's there, and the sun is out" sounds like a bad idea after I think about it for 2 seconds. Anybody have any suggestions to overcome this by any chance?

 

[Hoffy]

Why does is sound like a bad idea to you?

 

[joejoeyjoseph]

There's this horrible feeling I get like it's not worth going to because something bad will happen.

 

[Hoffy]

I understand that. Does your smoking before you go somewhere not help you feel a little more chill? I see you live in California. You gotta get out there on the beach hun! Is it more a fear of people or just random bad things happening?

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I kind of have this, too. I fear some psycho coming at me, even though it's irrational.

 

[ronery]

So I sit at home, and the sun is out, and everything that pops into my head like "I should go to the beach, cause it's there, and the sun is out" sounds like a bad idea after I think about it for 2 seconds. Anybody have any suggestions to overcome this by any chance?

I have this also, however there is no beach in my local area so it isn't as bad. You are an indoorsman! Just like me!

 

[joejoeyjoseph]

It is all irrational. I can tell myself to chill out, I can smoke herbs and then feel chilled out but then when I get outside I start freaking out *most* of the time. I went through a lot of combat and it really messed me up. One example, when I was deployed I moved a bunch of sand bags to clear a path for a civilian lady who was running away from a firefight and under one of them was a land mine. Nobody but friendlies were near this area so someone I know or worked near tried to kill me. This is just one example of when I feel like I should have died. There are many but I won't post them unless you want me to. I just can't get over these experiences at all though. I have these feelings all the time and they cripple me. I know it's irrational. I know not going outside for fear of anything is basically irrational. But I feel like something similar is going to happen back here where it's supposed to be safe. I don't know what's wrong with me. But it effects my life because I'm so afraid of getting out there again and really living like I should be. Everybody says I deserve this and that but I don't feel it. I feel worthless. Like I should have died so many times but I got away and now my body won't let me go outside no matter what my mind tells it. And so I'm very lonely (

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Joe, are you on disability? This sounds a lot like post traumatic stress syndrome.

If you are experiencing this after army combat, don't feel bad. It is pretty common. And there is help out there. I think there are therapists who specialize in this kind of thing.

 

[joejoeyjoseph]

I'm on federal disability because when I left the service they compare your health records and x-rays from before and after service and I gave a lot to the service I'll never get back... but I'm not on state disability. I could be on both but I don't want to. I feel rude or greedy or something. The therapists are horrible to be honest. They act all hard and tell you to "get over it" and that "Vietnam was harder", etc. I've gone and paid for therapists myself instead of the ones they pick for you. And they keep telling me to breathe and count backwards, etc. There is nothing that works so far. Except cannabis and laughter. It just takes me away from the racing thoughts of fear, anxiety, anger, self-doubt, etc.

So part of me thinks there is something out there I haven't tried yet, part of me feels weak for resulting to cannabis, aka drugs. Therapy didn't really do anything for me at all except to discover that I have to figure this out on my own. There has to be something I haven't tried. Does anybody have any suggestions of things to try by any chance just to get me out my front door, down the stairs and into my car for starters? Thanks for the help folks. I don't want to see a professional again though because they have not helped me at all. Just sort of made me feel worse.

 

[Sci-Fi]

I do that too. I've lived in a small town on the lake for going on 7 years now and I've NEVER been to the beach, I've never even seen it, except for in pictures. Some people find that odd. I just can't make myself go for a walk there. So I know how you feel. You think you should, then think maybe not, then think of bad things that might happen and talk yourself out of doing it.

 

[joejoeyjoseph]

I do that too. I've lived in a small town on the lake for going on 7 years now and I've NEVER been to the beach, I've never even seen it, except for in pictures. Some people find that odd. I just can't make myself go for a walk there. So I know how you feel. You think you should, then think maybe not, then think of bad things that might happen and talk yourself out of doing it.

That is exactly how I feel. Have you ever been able to "just do it" kind of a thing? I can't convince myself it's worth it you know?

 

[Hoffy]

It does sound like Post Tramatic Stress. You shouldn't feel bad for doing cannabis. Lots of people use this as their way to feel better. I did. I just recently quit 6 days ago, but miss it. It was an escape from reality even though it was short lived. You could take small steps, like if you have a porch or balcony, just going out there for short burst and try to extend them longer and longer. After you are comfortable doing that you could move on to something else.

 

[joejoeyjoseph]

Thanks. I'll try going on my balcony. Maybe tomorrow. I don't want to just sit out there because I'm an ex cigarette smoker and it makes me want to smoke cigarettes. My downstairs neighbor is a heavy smoker so the balcony always has like clouds of smoke coming up the side every 10 minutes or so. If I go out there, what should I do?? I'm so lost.

 

[Sci-Fi]

I do that too. I've lived in a small town on the lake for going on 7 years now and I've NEVER been to the beach, I've never even seen it, except for in pictures. Some people find that odd. I just can't make myself go for a walk there. So I know how you feel. You think you should, then think maybe not, then think of bad things that might happen and talk yourself out of doing it.

That is exactly how I feel. Have you ever been able to "just do it" kind of a thing? I can't convince myself it's worth it you know?

I did convince myself one time to go to the company Christmas party by myself. I was terrified to do it, and was uncomfortable there since everyone else came with someone. Wife/girlfriend, husband/boyfriend, daughter, etc. Last year though, I didn't go, I let my fear overwhelm me after being successful the previous year. :/ Plus I had an out with family to use.

 

[joejoeyjoseph]

I know what you mean. If you don't go people will think you're an a-hole but if you do go they will think you're still an a-hole!

I'm an uncle now too and I feel like I have to be a good influence but I can't even leave my home even if I know I should. I'm also afraid the kid would start to act like me or feel like I do and I'll be ruining his chances at a good social and healthy life.

 

[Hoffy]

Ah I understand that. I smoke myself and being outside just makes me want to. When I am outside I usually just watch the deer, squirrels, and birds, but you may not have that where you are in Cali. I also will read magazines, listen to my MP3 player or read up on something I'm interested in.

 

[joejoeyjoseph]

I'm going to try going up to the roof. There should be no smoke up there. I'll take my laptop and it should die within half an hour because the battery is terrible. So I won't be up there too long. If I can get a half an hour of peace outside then maybe I'll go up there and read something next time. I'm optimistic as **** right now but this is how it always starts. Then it goes back to doubt.

 

[Hoffy]

Well we will be right here to help you out

 

[Sci-Fi]

That's an excellent start.

 

[Ak5]

Lol, I usually go for a walk around the community.

Like something bad is going to happen? Sure it might, but it also might not!