TheSkaFish said:
Feeling unsure of what I want anymore.
Even though I don't want it to be, it's a very different world than the one I was in back in 2011. Some of what I wanted back then, I don't know if it even makes sense anymore or if it's foolish now, especially in light of some deeply painful events a few years ago. Or maybe I'm not even on the same path anymore. I don't know if I still relate, or if I ever really did. I'm really not sure where I'm at these days.
It's taken me a while to realize just how far off course in life I've gotten, exactly what the extent of the damage was, and I'm not sure if I can ever get back or if it is just too far away and I am somewhere else now. I lost the plot of my life. Or maybe it's more accurate to say I never found the plot in the first place.
I know I'm not the same as I was then, and I don't know where to go from here.
^Still this.
Feeling regret. Wishing I knew a lot of things I've been realizing lately, a lot sooner. Then I could have been happier and made more memories.
Wondering who I'll even be able to connect with, enough for anyone to "like" me. I wonder what it would be like to be anyone's choice. I wonder just what I'd have to do, in order to be anyone's choice.
Wondering how it's going to be as I move into this next stage of life.
Now that I've moved from a place of frustration and anger to understanding, resolved a lot of past hurts, cleared a lot of the old stuff away that was getting me down, still I wonder, will it matter?
Will I ever get good enough ideas and skills to be an interesting person?
Will anyone ever find me attractive?
Will I ever make it out of this singledom?
Or am I just not good enough?
And even if I do get out, things aren't as good as they were before.
Maybe it's just fear keeping me from going full speed ahead. But it's pretty daunting when you have no positive feedback from the universe, and nothing at all says that anything I do will work. It's not like I have anything that says "this works, keep doing more of this, keep going in this direction." At this point it all looks the same. Nothing seems to be any more promising a direction than anything else, or makes me feel like I have any reason to believe it will be any different than any other time in my life when nothing worked.
