Why is it so hard to impress girls?

[Pomato]

Okay, so after talking to people on here and mulling the issue over a bit, I've come to the conclusion that impressing girls and being the kind of guy who they would like has a lot to do with your personality traits, how you act in situations, and the general air you give off. So basically a lot of it has to do with having confidence and "broadcasting" your best qualities, whatever they may be (being humorous, outgoing etc.) ...But that "broadcasting" seems to be the most difficult thing of all. Especially if you're extremely shy, have low self-esteem to the point where you're in some kind of therapy/counseling, and are generally freaked out in social situations. I have seen at least one case where I think I somehow have been able to impress a girl by being consistently confident/intelligent every time we met (at a political club at college), but pretty soon it fell apart because outside of that context I was the same shy loser who can't speak up that I always was.

So idk, I suppose I've kind of answered my own question here - girls are hard to impress because they are attracted to confidence and I have NONE... But...hmm...well I guess I'm hoping to just get some clarification on that. How goddamn "confident" do you have to act before any one of them likes you? Do ANY of them like shy guys? What about really shy guys? Because I swear if I keep trying to act like that (like at the club) I'll be so constantly nervous I'll probably develop a stomach ulcer and have nervous breakdown/panic attack (not joking - it's happened to me, but for a different reason).

Also I'm kind of conflicted as to if this is really the reason for my lack of connection with women. Is it because I'm so scared/shy that I never give myself the chance to talk to them? Or is it because the fact that they can tell I'm so scared/shy turns them the fresia off? Obviously it doesn't matter which is true because the solution is the same: stop being so shy and scared!, but I'd just like to know if I'm repulsive to women in my current state...

And another thing - girls I've talked to are so ambiguous about what attracts them. The only thing I know for sure is that they liked "cute" guys. The rest is all something like "chemistry", "a connection", "I just felt attracted to him". Which REALLY makes me feel like honeysuckle because it leads me to think I must be one of those losers who's made it to 20 years of age without a girlfriend simply because I either don't know HOW to display that "X factor" or I just don't have it at all...

 

[VanillaCreme]

It's not hard.

 

[Pomato]

Yep thanks for that. That's the kind of comment that makes me feel even worse OF COURSE it's not hard. EVERYONE can do it. TONS of guys my age have girlfriends. And they're not necessarily the smartest or wittiest guys either. Fantastic!

 

[VanillaCreme]

You can either take that as a good or a bad thing. But it's not that difficult or complicated. I think guys want to prove their macho man persona too much. And it's just not really needed. Guys tend to make it hard.

 

[Pomato]

I don't want to prove honeysuckle to anyone. So what's it all about then? "Chemistry?" Oh great, another one of those words I'm not quite sure I understand but am basically certain is a rough translation for "you're too much of a pussy to even flirt with me."

 

[VanillaCreme]

Flirting doesn't really determine anything. Not for everyone, anyway. It's more about compatibility and being able to get along with the person. Feeling comfortable around someone is a wonderful thing. I think that's what "chemistry" means.

 

[Pomato]

Then how do you Do that which makes you feel comfortable around somebody? Step 1: Meet someone. Step 2: ??? Step 3: Feel comfortable! Yay fun happy kisses! And I know the answer. It's to stop being a self-hating loser, isn't it?

 

[PieBeNice]

You mad?

 

[Limlim]

hm... try alcohol? There's a reason they serve it at clubs. Acts like a bottle of liquid courage.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Then how do you Do that which makes you feel comfortable around somebody? Step 1: Meet someone. Step 2: ??? Step 3: Feel comfortable! Yay fun happy kisses! And I know the answer. It's to stop being a self-hating loser, isn't it?

It's not the same for everyone. You honestly never know who you're going to fall for. It's not a set guideline or list.


And don't listen to Lim. :club:

 

[happyman]

Important step 1: Woman are overrated
Important step 2: Why do you want to "impress" a woman? you are 20, you seem desperate to just want to get into her pants.
Important step 3: Dont give a fresia about trying to impress anyone. Be yourself. I am 23 and have never had a woman sort of a situation friend in my life. Do I care, not any more. Focus on getting to where you want to be. You have a whole life ahead of you to worry about honeysuckle like that. Once you are in a relationship, you are messed!

 

[Callie]

Speaking only for myself. I don't want to be impressed so much as the fact that I want to KNOW you. I want to know the real you, I want to know that you are a kind, caring guy. Yes, you can have other qualities, but those are important. Don't lie, don't cheat, don't be someone else. THAT would impress me.
Btw... step 2 is to COURT HER. This is where you get to know each other and show her what kind of guy you are. Dinner, dancing, flowers, moonlit walks, whatever she might have interest in (and no, you don't have to spend a shitload of money to do this).

Be YOURSELF and not someone that is going to stop trying to "impress" her the second you get to the "YAY FUN HAPPY KISSES" stage.

 

[allanh]

I can relate to thread OP... so I am keeping a close eye on this thread....... It's unfortunate that I always fall down this "impress the girl" pathway which never gets me anywhere.

 

[jjam]

Speaking only for myself. I don't want to be impressed so much as the fact that I want to KNOW you. I want to know the real you, I want to know that you are a kind, caring guy.

Yeah, but I think OP's point is that there MUST be something before you get to wanting to know that guy and he's not sure what it means. Exude confidence. Is it just as simple as approaching her, kindly introducing yourself, having a little small talk, and concluding by giving her your information (contact)? IF you're attractive enough to her, then you'll get a chance to show and prove that which I've listed at phase 2. And finally, if you pass phase 2, you'll get to show and prove other qualities at phase 3?

____???
____learn that he's kind/caring/virtuous (I love that you find this important btw)
____???


Well I'll be, fellas! I think I have the formula in a nutshell. Doesn't sound so hard, does it?

 

[JustJones]

From my experience, I find that women are attracted to confidence, but as long as you have an interesting personality, a sense of humour, just anything that might generate some interest, they find a bit of shyness cute and endearing. If you can hold a conversation well yet might blush every now and then, it shows sensitivity, something I thing ladies like a lot more than being mach and so on.

 

[allanh]

any tip for guys who can't hold a conversation well?

 

[jjam]

learn to hold a conversation well?

Anyone who is knowledgeable on a subject should be able to hold a conversation about the subject. But even if you're not (and the person you're talking to is), you can use this strategy:

-ask questions
-share an opinion on answers given
-rinse repeat
-perhaps relate ideas to another subject for the sake of transitioning into territory which you are more knowledgeable about

 

[Luna]

Shy is ok - many find it adorable.
However, one can be shy and still confident in themselves.
My first real crush at 20 was this shy, confident, smart young man.
He was a virgin and was quite popular since he was nice to be around.

It is not fun to be around a person with zero confidence.
You don't need to act like a club *********...it's not about ACTING...it's about BEING.
You need to learn to like yourself.

I'll give you a real-life example of a family friend:
This middle-aged woman is attractive, shy and kind...but has zero confidence and so much self-hatred. It is so horribly obvious...she walks around with so much sadness on her face and with her head down. Her voice is slow, broken and sounds like she's just waiting to die.
Being around her just sucks the energy out of you because of her constant negative remarks and need for reassurance every minute.
However - no matter how much you reassure her - it's not enough! She'll comment with one miserable remark and an even more miserable one after. The fact that she has so much self-hatred; she's super-sensitive and interprets everything anyone thinks, says, or does is a wrong against her. When one of my family members and friend helped clean her bathroom and bought her a new weight scale as a gift; she interpreted as an attack against her and responded with screaming as she felt it was a slam on her cleanliness and that everyone was looking down at her weight and financial situation. In the end, she cut off my family member's friendship and called her an enemy.
She spends day and night crying over why she has no friends and why no man likes her.

I don't know how you act but sometimes, we are not as self-aware as we think. People that typically hate themselves to the extreme and have zero confidence usually show it in the way that they behave and it makes others uncomfortable. People with zero confidence also tend to have no self-respect and be excessively worrisome and clingy. I used to have zero confidence and with being shy - it's no surprise people didn't feel comfortable with me as I wasn't comfortable myself. I'm starting to see results now after working on my confidence.

There's no formula to finding a partner as every man and woman is different - but you can work on yourself. Maybe you're pissed off as you read this...you were hoping for some magic formula to impress a woman and have her fall in love with you and have sex. There is NONE...you can't make everyone love you just as you can't make yourself love everyone. The only thing you can do is to work on yourself first - and find as many opportunities as possible to meet new people.
If there's a connection - you'll know it at that point.

Note: Just reading your replies to the thread...you seem very mad. I understand you are upset with your situation but what the others have posted are just their insight on the matter. There's no need to be mad over people trying to help you. Again, there's no instant solution when it comes to relationships with others. If you're looking for a solution without having to put any effort - it's not happening. No need to be mad and try to have a more positive perspective or see it as an opportunity to work on yourself. Being 20 and not having been in a relationship is not the end of the universe nor does it mean that you are going to be that way forever.

 

[JustJones]

any tip for guys who can't hold a conversation well?

This I think is possible to learn. Something that helps for me is to remember to keep asking questions, and every question asked to you, answer it then fire it back to them. I'm a nervous wreck in social situations but as long as I can "bluff" confidence until I feel a bit more comfortable around a person, I'll tend to be ok. I always try to steer clear of people who intimidate me too (generally really confident, arrogant people). Try and latch onto something you can tell they are really interested in and keep them talking about it (even if you don't give a honeysuckle about the subject)
I'm still trying to learn to improve my social skills a lot. Sometimes I come away from a conversation cringing at how much of a loser I must have seemed, but sometimes I feel like I came across really well, so I tend to think "one day I'll improve to the point where I feel good after every conversation).

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Rule #1...DO NOT TRY TO FIGURE OUT
WOMEN IF UR A MAN...
Women are from Hell..Men are from Heaven

Seriously....without getting in a moral
debate..
Its just a game....So dont make it any bigger than that.

Yes..ur 20 and U want some Poontang
cuase ur just hard wired like that.
Everyone have different sexual drives
and your hormons are probably going through the roof at 20.

This you must grasp....Shell either accept you or not. And it dosnt have anything to do with you...So stop chasing after chicks thats not going to give it up to you and Move on to the next chick.
.If you want sex...just keep on asking
Its still a 50/50 with every chick you ask.

Think your gods gift to women...
Keep this attitude..
Some women will say WTF?.
Some women will say Holy fresia!
Some women will say fresia me !!!.

Do try to focus on ur career or education.
WHY? This way women arnt the important to ya. For some odd reason theyll actually chase Ya...

Notice how ur not important to them and you chase them.lmao