A counter-argument to the claim personality > physical looks

[Coverage]

Anywhere you go that you find someone who is having trouble with their self image or feeling down about not getting a girlfriend/boyfriend you will eventually hear ,

“As long as you have a good personality then your physical looks wont matter!” or “Its personality that makes you attractive”

Now I’m not making this thread to try and totally discredit this argument or be a buzz kill, because I think it does hold some truth to it. I do think that at a certain point in someones life then personality does overcome looks as far as finding a companion is concerned.

The argument I’ll make is that the younger generations, as a whole, does place physical attributes much higher in importance than personality. Not because they are shallow or a collective group of a**holes, but because its simply in the nature of our society. A person is naturally going to place a higher value on something that they can touch and see. Going out with someone who is physically attractive provides immediate gratification and reward. People don’t care what their partner will look like in 30 years, they care about what they and the people they know see in the present.

Additianlly, lets be honest, its not rare for a physically good looking guy or girl to have a good personality also. The claim of having an “attractive personality” is thrown around like it’s a rare attribute when, in my opinion, a majority of people out there have a generally good, attractive personality. Assuming that personality was the most favored attribute then the physically gifted would still come out on top simply because they have the best of both worlds.

Now the argument that “Looks fade but personality is forever”

That is 100% true, but like I said above a young person today doesn’t care what their physically attractive partner will look like many years down the road. Their brain tells them that that person is good looking now and it makes them feel good to have a very attractive partner.

Your personality comes into play once you get older and your looks do begin to fade. The ideal situation of personality > looks doesn’t come into play when your in your teens, or 20s, because, for a majority of people, it doesn’t have too.

I guess a summery of my argument is this. Personality is most important only when it has no competition.


Now I’m not trying to make people feel bad about themselves or anything, I’m just telling you like I see it. I know I’m not 100% spot on with everything I’ve said, but I do think my view has an underlining truth to it.

I do hope some of you will post counter-arguments to this. Maybe give me a perspective I didn’t consider or give different opinions. Thanks.

 

[Badjedidude]

a majority of people out there have a generally good, attractive personality.

I completely disagree. Most people put forward a pleasant front most of the time, simply because it's in everyone's best interest to do so. Most people will indeed put on a friendly mask, never revealing their actual personality or even thinking about it themselves...because that's what operates in this society.

But once you dig a bit deeper, I think you'd find that there are probably a clear majority of people who really AREN'T very good people or have good personalities.

The argument I’ll make is that the younger generations, as a whole, does place physical attributes much higher in importance than personality.

I think you may be right about this, however. It does seem to be that younger generations chase "beauty" alone more and more than they used to, even to the exclusion of personality.

 

[dead]

you know... i think people will give you a chance for looks, but might stay due to personality.
which makes it harder for people that are not... let's say on the conventionally beautiful margin of the population.

i think that it is very infuriating, that usual "personality" remark. it's dropped very easily, as if it will somehow take one's loneliness away, or cure the pain of constant rejections.
somehow it feels to me more like an easy out of an uncomfortable situation for those that say it. something to say to wash your hands off, and avoid actually trying to help the person. (and sometimes that is understandable, i don't think one CAN help everyone they might have wanted to, and i guess that means that they DO wish you were not in pain, for whatever reason).

the trouble is... you can't MEASURE personality, but you CAN gauge looks. it's not like you can SEE personality, right?

i don't know. to me... i always tended to try and look... weirder i guess. i haven't bought new clothes in years, and i tend to modify them, to kinda look older/weirder. i guess that the idea is to... remove the looks aspect. clean and neat, but strange i guess.
if someone talks to me even though i look totally strange - it somehow means more to me. i don't know. i don't belong to any given subgroup. even among the more marginal groups... i tend to be barely on the margins.

and yes, what i crave most isn't some pretty face. if anything... good looks usually mean to me that the person may not have incentive to dig into anything meaningful in order to attract possible company/partners.

heh.

sorry for the overlong rant. and i'm not sure it answers any questions you asked... but those are the thoughts i get when i think about it.

 

[mintymint]

People today have more opportunity to choose a partner based on chemistry and personal preference than ever before. What is better? A society of partnerships arranged by family for the purpose of property/wealth management and the preservation of bloodlines/racial purity or a society of relationships based on personal choice and romance? In the context of the last few hundred years I think it's great that in modern culture people have the chance to pick and choose who they want to be with. Even if some aspects of that seem shallow, I still see it as progress.

People today have more partners before they eventually settle down, and it provides them with a much broader learning experience regarding relationships. I think everyone who has been in a relationship that failed has learned a honeysuckle-ton about other people and about themselves. And I think we're all smarter and better of because of those experiences. Maybe more people are getting together based on physical attributes, but it will still fail if their personalities are terrible. Eventually they will catch on and start to look a little deeper than the shiny top layer. Hopefully we're all getting a little smarter along the way.

I find that the majority of women can be physically attractive to me. Finding a personality that clicks is a little harder though. I would say that I could find about 70% of women physically attractive. Personality-wise that number would go down to about 20~30%. I'm not saying the rest have bad personalities, I'm just saying that they probably wouldn't be compatible with me in the context of a romantic relationship. But of course those figures are strictly hypothetical, and in reality everything is on a case by case basis. And meeting people online has shown me that if you have an attractive personality, looks hardly matter.

 

[edgecrusher]

the way i always looked at it is... no one can really deny that looks arent the first thing you notice. i mean its the first thing you see so its what draws you in. it takes time to get to know the personality but looks are generally what makes someone want to try to get to know the personality. i dont care how beautiful or "hot" someone is, if your a ******, your a ******. i am not interested in douches, lol. i cant say that looks dont matter to me, just probably not as much as most guys. i dont mind if a woman is a little overweight. the girl at my work that i liked was, but she was beautiful anyway. she has the most beautiful face i think ive ever seen. im slightly overweight myself so i dont have a place to be picky anyway. i just think that looks are what it initially starts out as for most people.

 

[Talus]

I completely disagree. Most people put forward a pleasant front most of the time, simply because it's in everyone's best interest to do so. Most people will indeed put on a friendly mask, never revealing their actual personality or even thinking about it themselves...because that's what operates in this society.

But once you dig a bit deeper, I think you'd find that there are probably a clear majority of people who really AREN'T very good people or have good personalities.

This has been my experience too. I think it basically boils down to those who are less fortunate in the looks department have to learn to compensate with stronger personalities.

Anyway, I won't say that the Personality > Looks statement is completely true either. It's definitely an exaggeration, because lets face it the person who you're with needs to be able to arouse you. If you're not into what you're seeing then there will be some major long term problems.

 

[Badjedidude]

I would say that I could find about 70% of women physically attractive. Personality-wise that number would go down to about 20~30%.

As far as on-the-spot, guestimated statistics go....I'd say this is damned accurate. I totally agree. It's probably somewhere near the same numbers for me.

 

[coricopat]

Well, I also think it's worth pointing out that people have this weird idea that unattractive people can't find love, when really it's just unattractive people aren't likely to marry the town hottie. All else being equal, people tend to pair off with people in their 'range' of attractiveness. You got a bit of a gut on you, you're not gonna be dating someone super buff, but you're not gonna be turned off if your date has a bit of a gut as well.

 

[h i]

personality is temporary... lots of people change when they get into a relationship, and even more so when they get married.

I just want someone normal. who isnt in debt, devoted their life, isnt used up or divorced. if theyre average weight, average life style, and do average things. like walking, and watching movies, video games, or being online. theyre perfect.

everyone i see is too skinny or too fat, owes to much money or is too involved with work or school. some *sexually experienced person*, divorced in their twenties, has a kid, ******* or whatever. drinks, smokes, injects, or some drug... and seems to think im going to spend money. and... my goodness... some self absorbed religious fanatic which thinks i have to prove myself...

 

[coricopat]

That is 100% true, but like I said above a young person today doesn’t care what their physically attractive partner will look like many years down the road. Their brain tells them that that person is good looking now and it makes them feel good to have a very attractive partner.

Your personality comes into play once you get older and your looks do begin to fade. The ideal situation of personality > looks doesn’t come into play when your in your teens, or 20s, because, for a majority of people, it doesn’t have too.

Am I the only person who, when seeing a guy, checked out the older guys in his family to see what to expect? I mean, if the man I was thinking about long term is gonna lose all his hair in a few years and gain 30 lbs, I wanted to know.

Also, while 'looks' in the traditional sense mean little to me, whether a guy takes care of himself or not is VERY important to me.

 

[nerdygirl]

I have found that when I'm attracted to personality, I am more attracted physically. However, I must admit to being a little shallow as far as looks go. I'm not as attracted to guys under 5'8". I also don't like guys who are more than 40 pounds overweight, but that's more about health issues.

 

[Shine]

hey coverage, i'm 21 and just like you i never had a girl. however i know that its not my looks that are the reason for this. when i go out/walk in the city/at school etc. i do see women looking at me, from ages of around 16 up to in their 40's. i'm a really nice person too, maybe too nice is what people sometimes tell me. they are interested in me at the beginning, but i cannot keep a conversation going, and after that its just "he's a nice guy to ask homework for" or "hey do you know when we have class?" honeysuckle like that. so yeah i do look good but its "fresia you" then. so yeah personality is more important than looks. as i sometimes see not that good looking guys walking with nice girls.

 

[Olde shoe]

I currently have a good physique and according to some I look good but I'm 30! I only have a few more years to my youthful looks. It's all downhill from here for me. So then pretty soon I'll have nothing but personality or even less.

I'm 30, average job, no car, no house, no girlfriend, wife or kids. In otherwords, I'm a drone in society. --wait a minute! Drone's don't have personalities! I'll just be old then. There's work and later there'll be death.

 

[drifter]

Well i think beauty is relative. You can be ugly to person A and interesting to person B. Besides, everyone can do something to look better.

But still, I've always been kinda ugly during the high school time.. and I've always managed to get the attention of the girl I liked. I used to do something like: I 'chased' the girl I wanted for a few days.. let her know that i liked her so she would give me for granted.. and then I'd stop the chasing or stop to go anywhere near where she might be. And a few days later.. she came look for me saying "hey! I havent seen you in a while, how are ya?" .. I know that probably I wasnt polite but wth.. I was a kid anyways

For me the trick was entertain them, make them laugh and have a good time, and then go away.. I found that eventualy they will notice your absence no matter what. You just gotta be a funny/nice guy :>

 

[nicespirit]

i believe it all matter: looks, personality, education level...
i think that when you get a relationship with someone you need to be equivalent in nearly everything, so that you can understand each other, valuate each other and love each other !

 

[SullenGirl]

It's not that looks don't matter, but a great personality can make an ugly person more attractive.

I know it seems kind of harsh to just outright call someone "UGLY" but I'm just using terms people are familiar with here...you know what I mean when I say "ugly", or "unattractive".

When someone has a great/pleasant attitude but is not that attractive physically, you barely notice it. But when someone has a terrible attitude AND they are physically ugly, their ugliness is more pronounced for some reason (to me at least lol).

Beside that, you can't live with someone or date someone who's personality doesn't mesh with yours, so looks may matter but in the end it is about personalitiy.

 

[Joseph]

Anywhere you go that you find someone who is having trouble with their self image or feeling down about not getting a girlfriend/boyfriend you will eventually hear ,

“As long as you have a good personality then your physical looks wont matter!” or “Its personality that makes you attractive”

Now I’m not making this thread to try and totally discredit this argument or be a buzz kill, because I think it does hold some truth to it. I do think that at a certain point in someones life then personality does overcome looks as far as finding a companion is concerned.

The argument I’ll make is that the younger generations, as a whole, does place physical attributes much higher in importance than personality. Not because they are shallow or a collective group of a**holes, but because its simply in the nature of our society. A person is naturally going to place a higher value on something that they can touch and see. Going out with someone who is physically attractive provides immediate gratification and reward. People don’t care what their partner will look like in 30 years, they care about what they and the people they know see in the present.

Additianlly, lets be honest, its not rare for a physically good looking guy or girl to have a good personality also. The claim of having an “attractive personality” is thrown around like it’s a rare attribute when, in my opinion, a majority of people out there have a generally good, attractive personality. Assuming that personality was the most favored attribute then the physically gifted would still come out on top simply because they have the best of both worlds.

Now the argument that “Looks fade but personality is forever”

That is 100% true, but like I said above a young person today doesn’t care what their physically attractive partner will look like many years down the road. Their brain tells them that that person is good looking now and it makes them feel good to have a very attractive partner.

Your personality comes into play once you get older and your looks do begin to fade. The ideal situation of personality > looks doesn’t come into play when your in your teens, or 20s, because, for a majority of people, it doesn’t have too.

I guess a summery of my argument is this. Personality is most important only when it has no competition.


Now I’m not trying to make people feel bad about themselves or anything, I’m just telling you like I see it. I know I’m not 100% spot on with everything I’ve said, but I do think my view has an underlining truth to it.

I do hope some of you will post counter-arguments to this. Maybe give me a perspective I didn’t consider or give different opinions. Thanks.

Necrobump.

The problem with this entire theory is that it assumes everyone's definition of "attractive" is the same. Fatal flaw.

 

[stalinorgel]

Well, I agree with the gist of your argument, but I believe this rule of thumb applies more to men than women.

A guy can pass on by (the universal chicks' attractive test, that is) having a good personality, but only if he also has looks or great material wealth, or possibly great confidence/machismo/whatever.

I think in general, women value, in this order: (1) wealth/ability to acquire resources (this is a throwback to our days as hunter-gatherers), (2) physical attractiveness (this shows outwardly how evolutionarily "fit" you are.. to use rough terminology, I just woke up.. so my brain isnt working at full capacity), (3) personality (it's cool that you have a good one, (ie, you're not a raging sociopath) but not really necessary for most women, i imagine.)

Well said on that most attractive people also have a good personality and well-developed intelligence. Natural gifts like these come often packaged together probably because of the way natural selection works in general.

Human evolution often acts as a zero-sum game.

 

[Joseph]

Well, I agree with the gist of your argument, but I believe this rule of thumb applies more to men than women.

A guy can pass on by (the universal chicks' attractive test, that is) having a good personality, but only if he also has looks or great material wealth, or possibly great confidence/machismo/whatever.

I think in general, women value, in this order: (1) wealth/ability to acquire resources (this is a throwback to our days as hunter-gatherers), (2) physical attractiveness (this shows outwardly how evolutionarily "fit" you are.. to use rough terminology, I just woke up.. so my brain isnt working at full capacity), (3) personality (it's cool that you have a good one, (ie, you're not a raging sociopath) but not really necessary for most women, i imagine.)

Well said on that most attractive people also have a good personality and well-developed intelligence. Natural gifts like these come often packaged together probably because of the way natural selection works in general.

Human evolution often acts as a zero-sum game.

Sure, this is entirely plausible, if you believe that there are no women who are intellectually capable of moving beyond their primal urges of attraction to find a mate that might be more practical or even enjoyable/supportive. I'm just not sure that's the case. Again, this is where the argument of emotionally immature versus emotionally mature people comes into play. As a man, would you always choose the "most attractive" woman to be with? What makes it fair to say that all women will always do the opposite?

 

[Badjedidude]

Well said on that most attractive people also have a good personality and well-developed intelligence.

I disagree with this on every count.

Intelligence has nothing to do with looks, not even genetically speaking. Most of the really hot, good-looking people I've known had piss-poor personalities because they NEVER HAD TO DEVELOP ONE in order to interact with others. They depend solely upon their looks to get them what they want in life, so they never strive to learn more or to become someone interesting.

I'd say that many (if not most) people with good looks tend to be less intelligent and have lesser personalities... though there are always a few exceptions.