Dating websites - do they work ?

[DarkSelene]

nope

 

[Tuathaniel]

Dating sites  seem to work for those that:

1. Look like a male model
2. Are women (accepting you may have to deal with creeps)
3. From a first or second generation migrant background that only wishes to date within their ethnic group and limits their interactions accordingly

As a woman, I can tell you a big NOPE on nr 2 in your list. As I think I've mentioned earlier, I know three straight couples who met through a dating site. Nobody else I know has had any luck with it, and that very much includes my female friends. (And me, before I found the boyfriend, which didn't happen on any of the dating sites I'd been using for years.)

Also, none of the three guys can be considered having the looks of a model, so I don't really believe your indication that women are shallow, either. If you're projecting because you haven't experienced any luck (yet), and think it's because of your looks, you might instead want to reconsider what your profile says. Back in my online dating days, I couldn't care less about the guys' pictures if their profiles were poorly written, boring, shallow, or showed traits/values that I know wouldn't be compatible with me.

 

[ardour]

Dating sites  seem to work for those that:

1. Look like a male model
2. Are women (accepting you may have to deal with creeps)
3. From a first or second generation migrant background that only wishes to date within their ethnic group and limits their interactions accordingly

As a woman, I can tell you a big NOPE on nr 2 in your list. As I think I've mentioned earlier, I know three straight couples who met through a dating site. Nobody else I know has had any luck with it, and that very much includes my female friends. (And me, before I found the boyfriend, which didn't happen on any of the dating sites I'd been using for years.)

Also, none of the three guys can be considered having the looks of a model, so I don't really believe your indication that women are shallow, either. If you're projecting because you haven't experienced any luck (yet), and think it's because of your looks, you might instead want to reconsider what your profile says. Back in my online dating days, I couldn't care less about the guys' pictures if their profiles were poorly written, boring, shallow, or showed traits/values that I know wouldn't be compatible with me.

I don't have a profile. I don't want to dive into that just yet. I'm going by what other reasonably intelligent, decent sounding guys have said about it ie. never receiving any initiating messages or replies.   From what you say I'm guessing it didn't work because very few if any of the profiles appealed to you, not from a complete lack of interest from the opposite sex.

 

[Almajo88]

I've met all but one of my girlfriends on autistic dating sites, so to an extent I would say that they work.

General dating sites are the worst, though. Most profiles are facile and I imagine this holds true for men as well as the women that I deal with.

I will say that most women who I message don't reply, and in my opinion it's not for lack of a detailed profile or poor communication. Women are massively outnumbered on dating sites and I suspect that they're so inundated that they either give up or begin relying on more superficial judgements to reduce their 'caseload'.

(and the fact that I have to use the word 'caseload' there is enough to induce some sympathy with the womenfolk!)

 

[Tuathaniel]

I don't have a profile. I don't want to dive into that just yet. I'm going by what other reasonably intelligent, decent sounding guys have said about it ie. never receiving any initiating messages or replies.   From what you say I'm guessing it didn't work because very few if any of the profiles appealed to you, not from a complete lack of interest from the opposite sex.

Sorry, but your guess is mostly wrong. The reasons it didn't work were because: 

1. I didn't receive a lot of messages.
2. Half of the messages I received were mindless and boring copy-paste standards like "hey" and "hows it going?" I can't be bothered to reply to someone who can't be bothered to write a proper message. I have standards, as do most women.
3. The other half were either disgusting sexual invites (which I specified in my profile that I wasn't interested in) or messages from someone who didn't fit my listed requirements (such as appropriate age. I don't care how young at heart that 60 year old guy felt, I'm still not attracted to seniors.)
4. The few who actually did fit my requirements and wrote good messages, eventually stopped replying and ghosted. I never knew why. Maybe I wasn't pretty enough. 

So to summarize: Not a complete lack of interest, no, but not a lot of it either, and most of it from people I weren't compatible with. Not once did I think "oh, this guy sounds interesting, but I don't like his picture so never mind." The opposite happened rather frequently however. 

If those other guys you're going by are claiming that only guys who look like models have any luck on these sites, and women in general, then I would argue that they're not as intelligent as you think they are.

 

[EveWasFramed]

I've met all but one of my girlfriends on autistic dating sites, so to an extent I would say that they work.

General dating sites are the worst, though. Most profiles are facile and I imagine this holds true for men as well as the women that I deal with.

I will say that most women who I message don't reply, and in my opinion it's not for lack of a detailed profile or poor communication. Women are massively outnumbered on dating sites and I suspect that they're so inundated that they either give up or begin relying on more superficial judgements to reduce their 'caseload'.

(and the fact that I have to use the word 'caseload' there is enough to induce some sympathy with the womenfolk!)

I agree with this. For me personally, not for other women. 
When I first starting using the sites, I'd respond politely to anyone who sent me a message. After receiving so many messages and a few nasty replies if I indicated I wasn't interested in getting to know them, I stopped responding to every message I was sent. 
Do the sites work? They can, but are riddled with difficulties. 
I met my husband (sort of by accident) on eHarmony about two years ago. 
They are just another way to open up possibilities one might not have otherwise had. They are a lot of work and very difficult to endure if you have low self esteem or offend easily.

 

[ardour]

Women are massively outnumbered on dating sites and I suspect that they're so inundated that they either give up or begin relying on more superficial judgements to reduce their 'caseload'.

Sounds right.  And either the photo, or the presence of something unique in the profile is the quickest way to sort through all the messages and determine who they might be bothered responding to. It's understandable, I mean what else can they do?

 

[ardour]

I don't have a profile. I don't want to dive into that just yet. I'm going by what other reasonably intelligent, decent sounding guys have said about it ie. never receiving any initiating messages or replies.   From what you say I'm guessing it didn't work because very few if any of the profiles appealed to you, not from a complete lack of interest from the opposite sex.

Sorry, but your guess is mostly wrong. The reasons it didn't work were because: 

1. I didn't receive a lot of messages.
2. Half of the messages I received were mindless and boring copy-paste standards like "hey" and "hows it going?" I can't be bothered to reply to someone who can't be bothered to write a proper message. I have standards, as do most women.
3. The other half were either disgusting sexual invites (which I specified in my profile that I wasn't interested in) or messages from someone who didn't fit my listed requirements (such as appropriate age. I don't care how young at heart that 60 year old guy felt, I'm still not attracted to seniors.)
4. The few who actually did fit my requirements and wrote good messages, eventually stopped replying and ghosted. I never knew why. Maybe I wasn't pretty enough. 

So to summarize: Not a complete lack of interest, no, but not a lot of it either, and most of it from people I weren't compatible with. Not once did I think "oh, this guy sounds interesting, but I don't like his picture so never mind." The opposite happened rather frequently however. 

If those other guys you're going by are claiming that only guys who look like models have any luck on these sites, and women in general, then I would argue that they're not as intelligent as you think they are.

If you “weren’t pretty enough” then they probably would not have bothered replying to you in the first place, although I suppose they could have found “someone prettier” if you want to be cynical.
 
Shameless whine: At this point I don’t feel like being judged any more, even if it’s by reasonable standards (how I sound via a profile). It feels like the onus is always on us to offer ourselves up and be assessed this way, by how articulate, unique or interesting we make ourselves out to be in some sort of one-sided dynamic. That isn’t much fun, either in real life or online. Edit: I'm sure women experience this feeling as well, it's just hard not to be self-absorbed and see it only from a personal perspective.

 

[Tuathaniel]

The "not pretty enough" comment wasn't entirely serious, merely a reflection of the "only guys who look like models" comment from before. The point of it was: Both men and women can be equally shallow. I'm sure guys with a traditionally standard "handsome" face gets more messages, just like the pretty girls with heavy makeup and a huge cleavage gets drowned in messages. Then there are us normal people, who doesn't drown in message on either side.

And you're right about the being judged part. It was one of the reasons I never felt comfortable on dating sites, and probably one of the reasons it never worked for me. (That, and all the unwanted dick pics.) Or in real life dating situations. I've just always been awful in the dating area in general. It's all about being judged and evaluated by your appearance and your wit, and it's intimidating as hell for someone with a low self esteem, who gets nervous around strangers and/or isn't pretty or handsome according to the traditional beauty standards. It sucks, but what can you do?

 

[Tuathaniel]

I think it may also help to notice the two different usages of dating sites: Some use them for finding a relationship, others use them for hook-ups. I think the reason a lot of (pretty) women drowns in messages, is because a large number of these messages are just for casual encounters. Which is all fine and dandy if that's what the woman is looking for, but really annoying when it's not. (And it's usually not.)

 

[BadGuy]

from what I have heard women can expect dick pics
Guess it depends what you consider "working"

 

[EveWasFramed]

from what I have heard women can expect dick pics
Guess it depends what you consider "working"

True story: In three years of using the sites, I never once received any inappropriate pics. 
I know that's the exception, not the norm, but I guess I was lucky.

 

[Yukongirl]

from what I have heard women can expect dick pics
Guess it depends what you consider "working"

True story: In three years of using the sites, I never once received any inappropriate pics. 
I know that's the exception, not the norm, but I guess I was lucky.

I had a small portfolio at one time....

And that was with almost nothing in my profile

 

[DarkSelene]

I had a small portfolio at one time....

And that was with almost nothing in my profile

you had a dickfolio? cool hahaha

 

[Yukongirl]

I had a small portfolio at one time....

And that was with almost nothing in my profile

you had a dickfolio? cool hahaha

I did. Coworker and I compared pics lol....

 

[BadGuy]

Leave it to the ladies to compare their dicks lol

 

[ardour]

yeah we know what's being exchanged by PM at the moment :/

 

[EveWasFramed]

Guess I'm luckier than I thought. None for me thanks.

 

[ardour]

It's all about being judged and evaluated by your appearance and your wit, and it's intimidating as hell for someone with a low self esteem, who gets nervous around strangers and/or isn't pretty or handsome according to the traditional beauty standards. It sucks, but what can you do?

True, it sucks for a lot of people. The quote “The power lies with whoever cares least” seems apt.
 
Meet someone through social circles? But then you need a largish circle of friends, it becomes less likely as you get older and people pair up, and the acquaintance/friend first thing doesn't fly with a lot of people (fear of 'Nice Guys', and women preferring to keep their friend circle and romantic options entirely separate.)

 

[soresoul]

Out of curiosity I asked my daughter if she got plagued with dick pics? She told me maybe twice but she got more messages of girls showing off their breast asking them their opinion about them. She keeps thinking ladies talk about anything and everything among ladies but she's not that way. She always says you might want to ask your doctor than blocks them.