EveWasFramed
Well-known member
I rarely ask my family or friends (the few I have) for ANYTHING.
Not money, not favors, and certainly not an ear to listen. I'm a fairly private person, who doesn't tend to open myself up to speculation, ridicule or pity from others. I have no idea why I'm this way, other than perhaps being burned in the past (on the few occasions I dared to open myself up).
I've been in a very dark place the past few days (sorry to anyone that hasn't gotten a return PM from me). I texted my youngest brother to let him know someone was looking for him (he'd gone out of town this week). He immediately texted me back to let me know he got the text.
Feeling very vulnerable, I asked him if he could spend a little time with me tomorrow, that I needed someone to talk to. (Keep in mind, I allowed him and his gf to come stay with me when they ran into some financial difficulties and they are still staying in my home). An hour later, still no reply. I texted a second time. No reply.
So, I decided to do something I wouldn't normally do, and that was to post here, on this forum.
I read an article a few months back that suggested that a lot of men like to date younger women because they haven't been made bitter yet by relationships, like women in their 40s and 50s. I can't locate the article on line to link it, but apparently there were several hundred interviews conducted. No, I'm not agreeing nor disagreeing with the article, it just happened to be something I recalled today, due to the emotional state I find myself in these past few days.
For a variety of reasons, which I will go into later in this post, I wondered how much truth the article might have had in it. I wondered if/when I will become one of those bitter women in her 40s or 50s. The very idea struck utter terror into my heart. I don't want to be bitter and hateful toward the opposite sex (or anyone for that matter) due to events I've experienced in my life.
I will give you a brief history of my experiences with the opposite sex, for reference.
Husband One (who was also my first boyfriend):
Serial cheater, left him after six years of it. He didn't want me to leave, but I couldn't stand to be in his presence at the end.
Husband Two: An artful manipulator who was on drugs at the time we were dating and I had NO CLUE. How did I NOT know, you may ask? I'd never taken drugs nor been around anyone who did - that's how. He stopped taking the drugs and THEN I noticed something was wrong with him. He began isolating me from my family and friends and became violent. The final straw: he drew back to hit me in a fit of anger. He didn't hit me, but I left while he was gone to work three days later. He didn't want me to leave, but for obvious reasons, I did.
Guy 3: I dated a guy (after my second divorce) for about nine months. After repeated date cancellations (Valentine's Day, New Years, other random dates) due to his adult children always pulling him away from me, I decided I'd had enough. I wasn't important to him at all.
I feel this was the beginning of my descent into disposability.
Husband Three: I'll make a very long story very short. He left me because he was "no longer happy." Of course, his definition of "no longer happy" read a bit like this: "I'm addicted to internet porn, internet gambling and talking to other women on line - habits I picked up while you were in the states, raising my children and I was in Iraq."
So, while we were still married, living as husband and wife, he starts an on line relationship with a much younger woman in AUSTRALIA of all places and they plot to hook up after he leaves me. Two years after he left me, he never did meet her. She was a nut job.
So, again, I was disposable.
First bf after third husband leaves: A lovely guy (substantially younger) who I feel tried very hard to have a relationship with me. A few months later, he broke it off. He said he wasn't ready for a relationship. My life was fairly complex at the time and he probably WASNT ready for someone like me. He was kind to me, and while it was painful and took a long time to get past, I never felt like I was something disposable to him. We are still friends and I hope that one day soon, he finds someone special.
Fast forward about a year: Talked to a guy (on line) a little younger than me. It was pretty unexpected. There was mutual interest so we decided to see where it might go. I specifically asked about children, as I can't have anymore, and he didn't have any (he'd previously dated an older women who couldn't have more children). He said it really wasn't important to him. So, after talking for a substantial amount of time (on line, on the phone, etc) we planned to meet in a few months. A week later, he sends me a message saying he'd rethought the having kids thing. I was startled, it was out of the blue. So, that was that. Again, disposable. He was a decent guy - I hope he found what he was looking for.
Fast forward another six or eight months: Another guy from on line. Lots of mutual attraction, could talk about pretty much anything, etc, etc. We spoke every day, multiple times a day (via text, emails, etc).
After a couple of months, we decided I'd take a week off work and go see him (sort of a first meeting/vacation for me). Maybe a couple of weeks later, he suddenly stops contacting me. I got worried and sent an email and when he didn't respond after a couple of days, I called and left a voicemail. The next day, I got an email explaining that he'd met someone near him and he'd been spending time with her the past couple of days, which was why he was MIA. He apologized, etc. I actually understood why he'd want someone closer, but even HE knew he was a ********. Eventually, I allowed him to speak to me again, but it was still awkward for me. He's a decent guy too - I hope he finds what will make him happy. (No, he didn't date the other women too long before it ended).
Again, I was disposable.
Fast forward just a bit to my dating website experiences:
Lots of first dates, a few second or third ones, and one for about three months (there's a thread about him somewhere on the forum).
The only two noteworthy were the following (at least for the purpose of this thread):
Guy 1: Hit it off very well. He literally wouldn't let me go home after we had dinner the first time. He was CLEARLY smitten. Eventually I convinced him I'd go out with him again so he let me go. He peppered me with texts and phone calls and then came date number two. It went fine as well. He kept up with the texts and calls for a week. Then POOF. Nothing. Two months later, he texts that he has been busy, really misses me, etc. Reluctantly, I agree to another date. Same thing as before...he was delighted to see me and we had a great time. Texts and calls for another week. Then nothing. I never heard from him after that.
Again, disposable.
Guy 2 (the one I dated for about 3 months):
He initiated the first date. Took me to lunch the very next day. We saw each other 2-3 times a week for three months. There was no sex involved, but he seemed to really enjoy my company.
He went to TX for a ten day family reunion. I texted him the day he went to make sure he'd arrived in one piece.
Not another word from him, until three months later, he walked into my office and wanted to set up an appointment for an estimate. I assume he was there to see if I still had any interest in him. I didn't.
That was some months ago.
Again, disposable.
And finally: (I'll try to make this short)
I spoke to someone that I hadn't spoken to in a long time (on line).
There had always been some sort of spark there (maybe just because we had a lot in common) and we started talking. I was interested and so was he (he made that clear). After talking a while we finally speak on the phone. Great conversation, lots in common...it was very nice. I thought to myself...it's rare to find someone I might actually be compatible with. The convo was two plus hours long.
The next day, I was treated to (I'll paraphrase):
"It's not you, you're fabulous, I'd like to be friends, I'm not in a place to blah, blah, blah."
He's a decent guy too. I hope he finds someone eventually as well.
Again, disposable.
I have to wonder if I'm doing something to cause people to abruptly discard me. I know I'm not perfect but I have a lot to offer someone. Love, loyalty, understanding, empathy...
Of all the men (listed above) who have come into my life in some sort of romantic capacity, almost NONE of them are similar in personality. I can't even blame it on "I attract or am attracted to the wrong kind of man."
So, if it's not them, it must be me, right?
I mean...my own family uses me as something disposable. My mother is the one exception. My child doesn't do it now, but she will be a teenager in a few years, so I imagine she'll do it to. I can't fault her for it, kids do that kind of crap. I think my family (most of them anyway) love me, they just don't see me as human or something.
I'm the "go to" person. I'm the ear that listens, the shoulder that gets cried on and the personal banker in some cases. I think that sometimes, things become the "norm" even if they're messed up.
I have no idea why I'm even writing all this. Catharsis I suppose.
I don't want to be a bitter person and I have to wonder, at what point, it might become inevitable. Do I simply keep interacting with people, knowing I'm nothing more than something disposable to them? Or, do I turn into a recluse, who keeps my interactions with others to a minimum, to avoid being repeatedly hurt?
I apologize for the long post but thank you to anyone who reads or replies. As I said, I don't usually share this much of myself, so it's left me feeling pretty vulnerable.
Not money, not favors, and certainly not an ear to listen. I'm a fairly private person, who doesn't tend to open myself up to speculation, ridicule or pity from others. I have no idea why I'm this way, other than perhaps being burned in the past (on the few occasions I dared to open myself up).
I've been in a very dark place the past few days (sorry to anyone that hasn't gotten a return PM from me). I texted my youngest brother to let him know someone was looking for him (he'd gone out of town this week). He immediately texted me back to let me know he got the text.
Feeling very vulnerable, I asked him if he could spend a little time with me tomorrow, that I needed someone to talk to. (Keep in mind, I allowed him and his gf to come stay with me when they ran into some financial difficulties and they are still staying in my home). An hour later, still no reply. I texted a second time. No reply.
So, I decided to do something I wouldn't normally do, and that was to post here, on this forum.
I read an article a few months back that suggested that a lot of men like to date younger women because they haven't been made bitter yet by relationships, like women in their 40s and 50s. I can't locate the article on line to link it, but apparently there were several hundred interviews conducted. No, I'm not agreeing nor disagreeing with the article, it just happened to be something I recalled today, due to the emotional state I find myself in these past few days.
For a variety of reasons, which I will go into later in this post, I wondered how much truth the article might have had in it. I wondered if/when I will become one of those bitter women in her 40s or 50s. The very idea struck utter terror into my heart. I don't want to be bitter and hateful toward the opposite sex (or anyone for that matter) due to events I've experienced in my life.
I will give you a brief history of my experiences with the opposite sex, for reference.
Husband One (who was also my first boyfriend):
Serial cheater, left him after six years of it. He didn't want me to leave, but I couldn't stand to be in his presence at the end.
Husband Two: An artful manipulator who was on drugs at the time we were dating and I had NO CLUE. How did I NOT know, you may ask? I'd never taken drugs nor been around anyone who did - that's how. He stopped taking the drugs and THEN I noticed something was wrong with him. He began isolating me from my family and friends and became violent. The final straw: he drew back to hit me in a fit of anger. He didn't hit me, but I left while he was gone to work three days later. He didn't want me to leave, but for obvious reasons, I did.
Guy 3: I dated a guy (after my second divorce) for about nine months. After repeated date cancellations (Valentine's Day, New Years, other random dates) due to his adult children always pulling him away from me, I decided I'd had enough. I wasn't important to him at all.
I feel this was the beginning of my descent into disposability.
Husband Three: I'll make a very long story very short. He left me because he was "no longer happy." Of course, his definition of "no longer happy" read a bit like this: "I'm addicted to internet porn, internet gambling and talking to other women on line - habits I picked up while you were in the states, raising my children and I was in Iraq."
So, while we were still married, living as husband and wife, he starts an on line relationship with a much younger woman in AUSTRALIA of all places and they plot to hook up after he leaves me. Two years after he left me, he never did meet her. She was a nut job.
So, again, I was disposable.
First bf after third husband leaves: A lovely guy (substantially younger) who I feel tried very hard to have a relationship with me. A few months later, he broke it off. He said he wasn't ready for a relationship. My life was fairly complex at the time and he probably WASNT ready for someone like me. He was kind to me, and while it was painful and took a long time to get past, I never felt like I was something disposable to him. We are still friends and I hope that one day soon, he finds someone special.
Fast forward about a year: Talked to a guy (on line) a little younger than me. It was pretty unexpected. There was mutual interest so we decided to see where it might go. I specifically asked about children, as I can't have anymore, and he didn't have any (he'd previously dated an older women who couldn't have more children). He said it really wasn't important to him. So, after talking for a substantial amount of time (on line, on the phone, etc) we planned to meet in a few months. A week later, he sends me a message saying he'd rethought the having kids thing. I was startled, it was out of the blue. So, that was that. Again, disposable. He was a decent guy - I hope he found what he was looking for.
Fast forward another six or eight months: Another guy from on line. Lots of mutual attraction, could talk about pretty much anything, etc, etc. We spoke every day, multiple times a day (via text, emails, etc).
After a couple of months, we decided I'd take a week off work and go see him (sort of a first meeting/vacation for me). Maybe a couple of weeks later, he suddenly stops contacting me. I got worried and sent an email and when he didn't respond after a couple of days, I called and left a voicemail. The next day, I got an email explaining that he'd met someone near him and he'd been spending time with her the past couple of days, which was why he was MIA. He apologized, etc. I actually understood why he'd want someone closer, but even HE knew he was a ********. Eventually, I allowed him to speak to me again, but it was still awkward for me. He's a decent guy too - I hope he finds what will make him happy. (No, he didn't date the other women too long before it ended).
Again, I was disposable.
Fast forward just a bit to my dating website experiences:
Lots of first dates, a few second or third ones, and one for about three months (there's a thread about him somewhere on the forum).
The only two noteworthy were the following (at least for the purpose of this thread):
Guy 1: Hit it off very well. He literally wouldn't let me go home after we had dinner the first time. He was CLEARLY smitten. Eventually I convinced him I'd go out with him again so he let me go. He peppered me with texts and phone calls and then came date number two. It went fine as well. He kept up with the texts and calls for a week. Then POOF. Nothing. Two months later, he texts that he has been busy, really misses me, etc. Reluctantly, I agree to another date. Same thing as before...he was delighted to see me and we had a great time. Texts and calls for another week. Then nothing. I never heard from him after that.
Again, disposable.
Guy 2 (the one I dated for about 3 months):
He initiated the first date. Took me to lunch the very next day. We saw each other 2-3 times a week for three months. There was no sex involved, but he seemed to really enjoy my company.
He went to TX for a ten day family reunion. I texted him the day he went to make sure he'd arrived in one piece.
Not another word from him, until three months later, he walked into my office and wanted to set up an appointment for an estimate. I assume he was there to see if I still had any interest in him. I didn't.
That was some months ago.
Again, disposable.
And finally: (I'll try to make this short)
I spoke to someone that I hadn't spoken to in a long time (on line).
There had always been some sort of spark there (maybe just because we had a lot in common) and we started talking. I was interested and so was he (he made that clear). After talking a while we finally speak on the phone. Great conversation, lots in common...it was very nice. I thought to myself...it's rare to find someone I might actually be compatible with. The convo was two plus hours long.
The next day, I was treated to (I'll paraphrase):
"It's not you, you're fabulous, I'd like to be friends, I'm not in a place to blah, blah, blah."
He's a decent guy too. I hope he finds someone eventually as well.
Again, disposable.
I have to wonder if I'm doing something to cause people to abruptly discard me. I know I'm not perfect but I have a lot to offer someone. Love, loyalty, understanding, empathy...
Of all the men (listed above) who have come into my life in some sort of romantic capacity, almost NONE of them are similar in personality. I can't even blame it on "I attract or am attracted to the wrong kind of man."
So, if it's not them, it must be me, right?
I mean...my own family uses me as something disposable. My mother is the one exception. My child doesn't do it now, but she will be a teenager in a few years, so I imagine she'll do it to. I can't fault her for it, kids do that kind of crap. I think my family (most of them anyway) love me, they just don't see me as human or something.
I'm the "go to" person. I'm the ear that listens, the shoulder that gets cried on and the personal banker in some cases. I think that sometimes, things become the "norm" even if they're messed up.
I have no idea why I'm even writing all this. Catharsis I suppose.
I don't want to be a bitter person and I have to wonder, at what point, it might become inevitable. Do I simply keep interacting with people, knowing I'm nothing more than something disposable to them? Or, do I turn into a recluse, who keeps my interactions with others to a minimum, to avoid being repeatedly hurt?
I apologize for the long post but thank you to anyone who reads or replies. As I said, I don't usually share this much of myself, so it's left me feeling pretty vulnerable.