No one to turn to anymore

[supernova88]

These past few weeks I have been extremely depressed and anxious about my lot in life without a social circle. I am lucky to say I do have some friends, most of whom I met in college, however I attended school in another state and even my closest pals live far away. After a friend recently cancelled on plans for me to visit, it really hit home the fact I have no close peers to turn to anymore.

I am aware enough to know that even people with friends don't live some endless party. However I often feel that my lack of a social circle means I have missed out on many opportunities to enjoy my mid 20s. While people I know might, every once in a while, hit the town for some well deserved fun with their friends, I'm sitting at home by myself. I swear, nothing hurts worse than getting a text, call, or Facebook message from some college friend having a blast on Halloween, New Years Eve, or even some random Saturday night with the friends they've kept or made since our days at school. Even something as simple as going to the movies or grabbing a beer are outside my realm of possibility.

Try as I might to make friends, I always run into the same problem: people think I am pleasant, polite, interesting, and great to talk to, but they have no energy or desire to take that next step and be my friend. I've gone to parties, clubs, and youth trips around the world and always return home without a hint of a new companion. I feel that at this point in life everyone else already has their established social circle - perhaps old friends from high school or college - and there's no more room for some new guy to join the mix. Even those I was closest with are starting to drift away, and our ability or desire to keep in touch continues to dwindle.

I am lost what to do. Whereas everyone I know can fall back on circles of friends they've had for years, with rich and exciting histories, I am struggling to make a life of my own without anyone to share it with. And even if I were to find a new circle, at my age most people are settling down, establishing their careers, getting married, maybe even having kids. I feel my chance to be a carefree 20-something socialite has evaporated, and I will never get those years, experiences, or memories back.

I don't know what I'm looking for here - advice, or sympathy, or just the knowledge I'm not alone feeling alone. Whatever people have to share is much appreciated.

 

[Tiina63]

To be honest, I think that many people in their twenties have the same problem even though you personally don't know anyone else who does. People's lives are in such a state of flux in their late teens and twenties, with moving away from home to study or to work, and social circles form, fade away, change all the time. I went through a phase for a couple of years of having no friends in my late teens/early twenties when my childhood friendships had faded away and no one else had come into my life and I remember being really low about it and feeling that everyone else already had friends and didn't need any new ones. I made a couple of friends eventually but remember how sad I felt beforehand. Maybe you could look for a good online friend first and build some confidence. You have had good friends before and there is no reason why you won't have new friends in future.

 

[foxfeather]

I have had similar experiences except these turn of events happened because I decided to go to a community college and stayed at home with my parents while everyone else gained the freedom, independence and unique experiences with going to a University. It's true like Tiina63 says, but I still think you should keep on trying as hard as you can or else you will fall into depression, or already may have. It's dangerous.
And I won't say that you did not miss opportunities but I think it's worse if you don't continue to struggle. I know that with every rejection- even slight ones, are a stab at your heart, but you should struggle for the hope that you will meet someone like you and who will be there for you. Also, don't get jealous, jealousy or hatred will lead you to being more excluded from others, find a way to meditate or distract yourself when you see someone going to a Halloween party or simething like that.
I think it's quite nice that people say that you are kind and nice to talk to, that is a good advantage because you can be easily invited to a study group or something similar to that. I hope this has helped you in some way, but you know, I care even if I don't know you.

 

[supernova88]

Thank you for the support. I'm lucky enough to have people I love in my life, however it's hard not having a separate circle of peers to turn to. What I want most in life is to have people who I've known for years, who I have a rich history with and can turn to at any time for support, advice, or a little fun. As hard as it is to accept, though, I must admit the only way this is going to happen is if I start from scratch. I may not have people I can share a long, exciting history with, but maybe I can find people who I can build a history with.

I've decided to join a number of social meetups and hopefully get together with like minded people my age also searching for a friend or a group. I'm nervous as anything, but if I survived my first day at college I'm sure I can survive round 2. Wherever this goes, at least I can have an excuse to get out of the house and try some new activities, and maybe just maybe gain some confidence along the way. Wish me luck!

 

[LonelySutton]

Try as I might to make friends, I always run into the same problem: people think I am pleasant, polite, interesting, and great to talk to, but they have no energy or desire to take that next step and be my friend.

I would say learn to live alone. That isn't being flippant. I share this same quality. People ONLY want to be my friend for some reason of their own and I am NEVER put first in any social circle. As they say, I am the anti charisma.

I have come to conclude that there are just certain things about me that aren't likely to change that do not attract people to me.

- I don't smoke. It is shocking how one of my friends makes friends with smokers who go out and smoke with her.
- I don't drink, again, many friends are made by people going out for drinks and I think there is almost an "entry" into the social club of you getting drunk and allowing them to do whatever to you.
- if I ran in a circle with drugs... well.
- Then there is also the married with kids club, where many people make friends that way.

But just being a single person, alone, with none of these sticky factors..makes it so people only want me as a friend, dead last.

I find meetups to be a waste of time. People are not bound to go to these things and I find people not returning and or, not really keeping up any friendships they might make. It went to a real estate one one time and NO ONE TALKED to each other.

I am finding it even worse in my 40s. It is exceedingly hard to make friends and all my old friends are disappointing me or growing apart from me.

 

[Alone By Faults]

We are not trivializing what you are going through by pointing out that this is a common event. It is but in no way makes what you feel less. A silver lining is that a lot of people have gone through this and it is not you....

Lonely Sutton and the groupings are pretty accurate.

I just wanted to chime in and say you are not alone and it is not you. Part of the social structure in America...

GL

 

[LoneStar1989]

Some of the things you've said here I can completely relate to. I still hold out hope that maybe, just maybe I will find what I'm looking for... someday.

 

[Menorahman]

If you are looking for people to fill your void, then you'll never be content.