Damaged goods - for the lack of a better term

[Noibe]

Hey what's up everyone. My apologies for a raw thread title but I wanted to post here with some interesting situations that's been happening to me with people I meet. A little background on me is that I'm in my early 30s, outgoing guy with a rising career, grounded but outgoing lifestyle choices and hobbies and I'm not afraid of approaching women in public. That's my fuel actually.

So yeah all I seem to meet are ladies who are married or unhappily married / divorced / have children or non us citizens or a mixture of the above. I just think that's funny and sad sometimes about the hand I seem to have been dealt. I've done some highly questionable things as well but I was responsible enough not to do the above. I put a mental block to automatically pass up on the above because I'd like a clean slate like myself.

Would you guys ever considered dating the above type of person?

 

[ABrokenMan]

I feel lately like damaged goods, the fallout from recent failures translates into depression, difficulty in day to day activities, some health issues, and the good ol stress. Feels like I am in quicksand; if i try to find my way out of the quagmire, I just end up sinking further and further down. If I don't do anything then things won't get worse than they already are.

As to your above post, are you referring to the different types of ladies / women, or to yourself?

I would date / pursue a relationship with just about any woman (kid, no kid, single/divorced/separated etc, providing natural chemistry is there and mutual interests can be shared and explored. My only no-go from the get-go is if they are older than I am!

 

[AmytheTemperamental]

I would like a list of names. So I know which guys to avoid. Because if I am considered irresponsible and damaged because of past relationships, well I wouldn't want to waste anyone's time

 

[Noibe]

Just women who have crossed my path be it at work or out and about. I don't remember the last woman I met who did not have any baggage. It is what it is but seems unfair at times for some reason.

 

[reynard_muldrake]

I don't understand your viewpoint. Why do you think anyone who exited a relationship or marriage automatically has "baggage"? And if you found a connection with someone from the get go, that would change because of a former marriage? It all seems needlessly stringent to me.

 

[BadGuy]

the reality is by that age people have "experience"

 

[AmytheTemperamental]

I don't think this is the hand that's been dealt to you. I think this is the hand you are dealing for yourself. Unless you go buy some poor farmer's young daughter, I can't imagine "no baggage" gives you much options.

 

[blackdot]

So yeah all I seem to meet are ladies who are married or unhappily married / divorced / have children or non us citizens or a mixture of the above. I just think that's funny and sad sometimes about the hand I seem to have been dealt.

I feel ya. I know how it is. It was the same for me in my 20's and 30's. Just wait until you hit your 40's and then you can add high school girls and ladies in their 60's and 70's to your list (because that's who you end up being around if you start doing volunteer activities to get out of the house.)

 

[Paraiyar]

I'm not from the U.S so maybe this isn't as obvious to me as it might be to others but is your concern about dating a non U.S citizen that they might just be using you to get citizenship? I'm from NZ and I'd actually rather date foreign girls for the most part.

 

[Noibe]

I'm not originally from the U.S. myself but my family and I as well as my other peers have denounced our citizenship to our former country and became lawful citizen of USA. I feel as though we did it the right way as opposed to the masses of immigrants I see who are here on a student/work visa trying to land a a person for a free ride. I've been offered and declined right on the spot because that's not the way anybody in their right mind should do it. So that's my take kn meeting noncitizens.

As far as dealing with the hand of meeting the above type I get what you're saying but how can I be dealing with the hand if that's all I seem to meet? It's not like I'm doing it on purpose to myself. Like I said I don't have a problem talking to anyone or landing dates at all and I'm by no means angry about the people I meet I just think it's funny/sad/weird that that's all I seem to meet / attract.

Former situations have two sides and having experience with dating for a long time taught me to be more vigilant and seek out more reasoning.

As far as experience I can also agree as many of the above did have an "experience" but in my eyes it wasn't a responsible experience. I am trying to be less judging of the sort I really am but when I look at my accomplishments and what I've become it would be nice to find someone with a similar lifestyle.

 

[ardour]

I'm suspicious of people with a long string of relationships behind them, as if they meant nothing, but at your age you're dreaming if you think you can find someone who's never married or had a long-term boyfriend. Good luck with that.

 

[Tealeaf]

I try not to look at people as “damaged goods”. I don’t believe people’s inherent value can ever be damaged or lost, especially not by surface things like having had previous relationships, having or not having a job, being free of mental illness or having mental illness, their injuries or health or sexuality. Certainly they can put themselves in difficult positions to meet people or live a free life how they want if they make bad choices.

I don’t think anyone should date anyone they don’t want to, but I think it’s sad that people look at each other as “goods” as opposed to someone whose preferences and choices don’t mesh with their own and wouldn't bring happiness into their life. Like how people talk about their cars and watches, getting the wrong one reflects poorly on your status.

 

[ardour]

It's an unfortunate term, taken literally, because obviously people shouldn't be viewed as commodities.

There's is however evidence that people who've had a several previous relationships have a reduced ability to bond (less Oxytocin released with successive partners). A valid fear that you're nothing special to this person, just being used to fill the void. Like it or not people will come to the conclusion that someone's who's had more than, say, 3 serious relationships might not be in it for the long haul.

That and a lot of us don't have the life experience to deal with someone's baggage, depression or extreme insecurity.

 

[Noibe]

While at this day and age and overall culture and it going downhill (another topic) it's true finding someone with a past a high. Everyone has a past and have done questionable things, myself included, but some past experiences are responsible and mature. I just seem to be meeting those who didn't follow those ends.

I totally agree that the term is wrong. What terminology could I use so I don't have to say damaged goods?

 

[TheRealCallie]

So yeah all I seem to meet are ladies who are married or unhappily married / divorced / have children or non us citizens or a mixture of the above. I just think that's funny and sad sometimes about the hand I seem to have been dealt. I've done some highly questionable things as well but I was responsible enough not to do the above. I put a mental block to automatically pass up on the above because I'd like a clean slate like myself.

What's wrong with ladies that have those things in their past? honeysuckle happens, mistakes are made, lessons are learned. Does that make them lesser as a person? I have kids and I was married to their father. Their father and I are not together anymore. That doesn't make me unsuitable or irresponsible, by any means, nor does it make anyone else in that situation.

And so what if they are non US citizens, how is it their fault where they were born. Not everyone here is American, you know....

 

[Tealeaf]

It's an unfortunate term, taken literally, because obviously people shouldn't be viewed as commodities.

There's is however evidence that people who've had a several previous relationships have a reduced ability to bond (less Oxytocin released with successive partners). A valid fear that you're nothing special to this person, just being used to fill the void. Like it or not people will come to the conclusion that someone's who's had more than, say, 3 serious relationships might not be in it for the long haul.

That and a lot of us don't have the life experience to deal with someone's baggage, depression or extreme insecurity.

I wouldn’t say it has much weight, at least not in my life—it’s people’s own biases and fears projected onto others. Again, it’s about status and reassuring themselves that if they avoid x, then the y that they fear cannot follow. Look carefully and you'll see just as many virgins searching for anyone who can make them feel whole or fill a void in their life, someone who'll listen to their woes but who asks for nothing in return or someone who can magically fix their depression and anxiety and cripplingly low self-esteem. Objectification is objectification regardless of who is doing it.

The most intelligent and compassionate people, the best “goods”, to me are the ones who’ve been through enough to consciously choose to be kinder, to take more time to understand others, and to appreciate those who’ll appreciate them. Love isn't just Oxytocin, it's a practice and a conscious decision people have to make day to day.

My close friend and romantic interest is someone who admitted that after his last relationship, he’d likely be able to ship himself off to the military and not regret it. Who’s afraid that he’s better at burning bridges than building them. I don’t view him as damaged. He has a kindness and an attentiveness, a genuine and thoughtful quality, that most men I talk to don’t have, even the virgins and the desperate ones who sign up for ALL just to try to chat up lonely women.

Shittiness does not discriminate based on experience, nor does real love, loyalty, and empathy.

 

[SofiasMami]

Hi Noibe,
If you limit yourself to meeting or dating women close to your age - early 30s - who have no children and who've never been married, you're cutting yourself off from a large majority of the population. I think you seem to meet only people who are divorced/ have children, etc, because those are the people that are out there.

We all have baggage. What's yours?

-Teresa

 

[Noibe]

We are Jewish (non-religious and we do not practise) and we were casted out of our country so we came here as refugees and established a proper and resourceful life for our selfs as well as our friends who also came the same way as us. In my city there seems to be an influx of student/work visa individuals who come here to leech so to speak. Many of those do want to find a sucker to remain in the country for a free pass for their families I've seen it happen and it broke the most hardest of men who fell for it. Just not worth it. So that's my logic for not wanting to date a non-citizen is due to the fact of how myself and my family (and all of my close friends and their families) came to the states as opposed to the student/work visa luxury. Us and our friends is an exemplary way of an immigrant who properly comes to the Unites States.

I, for some reason, feel that it won't be as meaningful if I would say marry someone who's been through it all and experienced it. I'm a jokester so I'd definitely see myself saying things a lot the lines of "oh holy matrimony, haven't you done that already" to a point where it will get annoying and upset people and I don't want to do that. The thought of being with someone who already shared a union with someone just rubs me the wrong way, especially if the marriage began at an early age to "just do it" and then "#yolo #divorce" (as the kids say it) It honestly feels like divorces are done just for the hell of it now. Of course if it absolutely needs to happen then it absolutely does but it really seems to be a normal everyday thing and statistics don't seem to lie.

My baggage? Right now I am somewhat struggling with cooping with whatever this is which is why I made a post to get some thoughts and views. While professional to the naked eye I'm a little too street smart for my own good and I take risks but they are all planned, rational and responsible.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I look at individuals who have the above things as someone who's either messed up somewhere down along the line and/or cannot make a responsible choices or just simply make bad choices and they are in the situation that they are in now. This is no way makes them bad or evil and there are two sides of the story always but I am a bit meh of always attracting these types of people it doesn't seem fair to a guy like myself who has no mortgage, own place, car, amazing toys and tech, can get whatever wants and awesome hobbies and great with people skills and interaction and quite honestly amazing on the dance floor!

I don't agree that it's all that's out there as there are singles like myself but I think they are still trying to focus on their careers rather than date. Since I'm already established I have the upper hand so I guess I have to wait to them to catch up and maybe then I can start meeting actual singles.

I am judgmental and I am seriously trying to work on it (one of the reasons for this post also, more or less) but I feel that I've engraved the above so much into logic and through process that it's difficult to change.

 

[TheRealCallie]

So I guess it would have been more responsible for me to stay in my abusive marriage?

 

[TheRealCallie]

If you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who has a past, that's your choice, but who are to judge something you know nothing about?