Damaged goods - for the lack of a better term

[Paraiyar]

So I guess it would have been more responsible for me to stay in my abusive marriage?

He did acknowledge in his post that: "Of course if it absolutely needs to happen then it absolutely does."

I personally would agree with many of the other posters that the OP is making things very difficult for himself.

 

[SofiasMami]

I think the answers to your questions, OP, lie only within yourself. Once you have insight on why you personally find women who have had past relationships and/ or children to be a turn-off, then you might be able to move on from some of the issues you are having at the moment.

-Teresa

 

[blackdot]

Personally I feel a lot like the way Noibe does.
I'm used to the way people react when you say you don't want to date someone that is something or another. For example, if you say you want to date someone that does not smoke. Non-smokers will think it's ok but smokers will flip out. Any time you say you feel that there is a certain trait in an individual that you are not interested in, the people that fit that trait will flip out.

You have to remember that everyone sees things differently. Just because they don't want to date someone that may fit who you happen to be doesn't mean you need to chastise the person. It just means you aren't the person they are looking for.

My standards mean there is pretty much 5-10 people on this entire planet that I would be suitable with. I once met one of those individuals. Unfortunately she decided that Earth was not a place for her. Sure, we can change our standards and meet someone else. Then 1-2 years down the road we can get a divorce like everyone else these days when you realize things aren't right.

Really the only advise I can give to Noibe is that most people won't give him good advice.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I put a mental block to automatically pass up on the above because I'd like a clean slate like myself.

Would you guys ever considered dating the above type of person?

I highly doubt anyone's a totally clean slate. Unless you were kept in an empty cement room most of your life, you have a thing or two that's unusual or happened to you that's left an impression, knowingly or not. I personally don't mind either way, if someone's a "clean slate" or has several issues going on. It's all about the actual person. Besides, two broken pieces may fit together in a perfect way, which I've found to be absolutely true in my experience.

 

[Noibe]

I didn't make this thread to upset anyone, just seeking alternative methods to understand why something like this bothers me and hopefully one day put this to rest (and I know what needs to happen for it). While I am 99% positive of why I feel like this and I've worked this over in my head a lot to come to a tamed balanced but I feel there is always room to grow and to better understand things so that's why I ask here. Perhaps that's one of my weaknesses because I did come here, on the internet, and post this thread of something that's been bothering me. I won't stop approaching women if I find them attractive or interesting because that's just what I do and I don't mind a cold approach so maybe this interesting streak will end one day and if not that's okay also. I guess I was supposed to meet these people *shrugs*

 

[Paraiyar]

I do think that one or two people overreacted to your post.

 

[TheRealCallie]

So I guess it would have been more responsible for me to stay in my abusive marriage?

He did acknowledge in his post that: "Of course if it absolutely needs to happen then it absolutely does."

Okay, I admit I missed that part, but it doesn't change much.

I was still married, I do have kids, I have been in a few relationships in my life. The OP is judging everyone who has a past, everyone who made a mistake and ruling them less than people who have stayed single all their lives.
Yes, a good share of divorced people likely went into the marriage for stupid reasons, but that doesn't mean everyone did. That doesn't mean that it was a mistake or the person is ruined for it.

So, what about widows...where do they rank? You may find people who used to be married, but you have no idea what happened and to judge them all equally is wrong.


But anyway, back to the OP, could this bother you because you are jealous that they had the relationships and you didn't? Or maybe even angry because you want it and they just threw it away?
As I said, you are entitled to feel as you wish, but to flat out generalize everyone and insult them is wrong. That's the only thing I have a problem with in that thread.

 

[Noibe]

For the most part I most likely will not change my core about how I feel on this but I am trying to better myself and not generalize as much as I am and definitely not use demeaning terms such as damaged goods but I don't know how to approach this so thats why I used that term.

I can safely and above and beyond say that I am not angry nor jealous of anybody in that situation because I've seen an exemplary way or dating and marriage and family trees continuing properly and ideally I'd like to emulate that in my own way of course. As I am pretty much everyone as well. I'm still a young guy with a lot going for myself but I'm in to rush on getting married. I want to do as best of a job to do it right the first time. I still feel I have the control over this you know.

Like I said before I don't have a problem with meeting people due to my nature but I do feel that when I meet someone who had s past like that and has shared it with a person through marriage/children (not dating) then it's not that I can't fill the role I just feel that we would be on a different level of wants and needs and overall experience. Now I know plenty of amazing people who did step-up to the role and took care of other once another man's property better than the former. I can't ever see me do that but I do think it takes a special man to do the deed and I respect that.

I managed to break it down like this (again my logic could be flawed and this is not to hype anybody up) but lets take someone who got married young and then got a divorce right. I would say they have more marriage experience as opposed to someone who's been dating and going to dates for the same time as someone who's been married thus different experience levels. Someone with a lot of dating experience knows it could be fun but exhausting so they want to find someone and put the dating game behind them and I think it would be a better match for them to find someone with the same amoint of dating experience so they can match up better and both be done with it and be thankful that they are both out. Someone who went through marriage may not share that so dating might be harder (especially in these times) so their wants and needs may not match someone who has a lot of dating experience. I am someone who has the dating experience down pact and I believe my ideal match would have that as well and we would both be happy to be out the game. This would be fine if I met people who have that but I meet people with a married experience level over and over so.

At least that's how I look at it but feel free to share your views and points if I am incorrect.

Widows are a bit different as they remained married to their partner but for x reason passed away. I'm talking about still living people.

 

[kamya]

Noibe you are being extremely unrealistic. Why would any of this matter unless you were insecure/intimidated in some way by these people with experience? Everyone has their honeysuckle. Even if it's not relationship baggage. It will be something else. Are you are looking to find a human partner.

 

[ABrokenMan]

I would suggest to the OP that he join a religious dating website where he can filter his requirements to potential partners.

Otherwise, he is going to be alone for a LONG time.

 

[TheRealCallie]

None of that honeysuckle matters when you meet the right person. As for divorced people, maybe they thought they were with the right person, but things didn't work out. My ex and I are much better not together than we were together.

 

[VanillaCreme]

For the most part I most likely will not change my core about how I feel on this but I am trying to better myself and not generalize as much as I am and definitely not use demeaning terms such as damaged goods but I don't know how to approach this so thats why I used that term.

No one's demanding you change, and of course if anyone did, that doesn't mean you have to. If you see nothing wrong with that view, then there's nothing any of us can do. We can't force you to do anything. But I have to say that I agree with those saying that your options will be limited. I suppose as long as you know that, and as long as you understand and truly realize that there's not too many people who would very obviously fit your criteria, then you can want whatever you want.

It's not necessarily the strict criteria that some people present. But it's when they start saying how they can't find anybody... Well, yeah, expecting this, that, and the other thing and sometimes, it does seem near impossible.

 

[Noibe]

For me its not a matter of being alone just a matter of people I've been running into but this topic has opened up some new views and points and through that I can learn to be less judgemental and not use raw terms. I understand more clearly how I work and what to look for and what to achieve so this thread did serve me well.

Thank you for listening and sharing your opinions and thoughts with me. I really appreciate it!

 

[Dawn Jellyfish]

Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but I certainly expect to find a woman is is 30 years old, a virgin, who has never dated, because she has been saving herself her whole life for the perfect partner (which will be me).

Totally realistic you guys.

 

[kamya]

Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but I certainly expect to find a woman is is 30 years old, a virgin, who has never dated, because she has been saving herself her whole life for the perfect partner (which will be me).

Totally realistic you guys.

I actually do know a few. Long time friends. Really good people. Over 30. They've dated of course but it never goes anywhere. They do exist.

 

[Dawn Jellyfish]

Well, I've never been on a date, or even had the opportunity, so, they idea is, I want someone with my level of experience (-1) which is pretty much a pipe dream.

 

[Noibe]

Level of experience is what I can definitely agree on because that's what it ends up being one way or the other in a hidden manner so to speak. From what I've summed up divorced individuals would ideally rather find someone who is divorced as well for various reasons. Some might not even go for those in plain long term relationships neither. Chemistry is one thing I agree but at the end of the day, from what I see and gather and meet is experience. Like for instance what if a guy just wants to hang out and go shoot some pool or meet his friends for a drink and the woman been through that and would much rather not. Someone has to compromise there.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Someone has to compromise there.

Exactly.

 

[Noibe]

When intuition has very high success rate it's difficult for some people, like myself, to come to compromises on something I believe in and ideally strive for.

Dating is very fun and you meet some real heroes but I believe post year 2000 can get quite challenging.

 

[stork_error]

I like to see a study done on virginity :

Objective :

To study the psychological effect of tissue between the legs in females aged 18-30

Can you imagine it?

Conclusion:

" In conclusion, tissue between the legs of a female species is not correlated to a decreased likelihood of the female engaging in adultery, deceitfulness, or manipulative behaviours."