Not attracted to women my age

[okidoke]

Oh, no.
Absolutely not.
Even myself I do not consider a loser because I did not have a military stint.
I just think that in my own personal situation, the military would have done me a world of good insofar as building self esteem and confidence.

but you called yourself a loser, that's why I asked. anyway, you can still partake in activities to build your self esteem and confidence if you wanted to.

..... do you think you could date someone you felt zero initial attraction towards? Because that is the choice a lot of us older people are facing: try for someone hot, who would often be younger, or date someone with whom there is no attraction to whatsoever for the sake of companionship.

A lot of 40 + people, and I include men in this (particularly men imo) are unattractive slobs who stopped caring about appearance, dressing well, sometimes even basic hygiene. It's all very well to talk about putting emotional connections ahead of appearances when you’re still young and some attraction towards most of your peers can be assumed. That’s not my/our reality as we look around and see....who can I say it nicely... can't.. androgynous blobby people who gave up on themselves years ago.

That’s not very nice is it? I’m a horrible person who deserves to be alone etc etc. But it’s also an obvious, undeniable truth; just looking around.

I have no idea how average people can pair up with a new partner at this age.

but why date someone who you have zero attraction to? how can you even get on a date without some sort of attraction? and i think your "attraction" seems to be physically based all the time. I mean, there are other attractive things about people, they don't have to be stunners.

 

[Unsigned]

you can still partake in activities to build your self esteem and confidence if you wanted to.

True.
My self esteem is better now than what it was in my 20s.
But yeah, we can always strive to be better, I agree.

 

[okidoke]

True.
My self esteem is better now than what it was in my 20s.
But yeah, we can always strive to be better, I agree.

Maybe a whole new change of lifestyle is what you need? Maybe you need to say, "To hell with all of this. I'm going to live in the Caribbean and live my life different!" I dunno. Just a thought. I don't think anyone should just give up on themselves and feel that "this is all my life will be".

 

[Unsigned]

Maybe a whole new change of lifestyle is what you need? Maybe you need to say, "To hell with all of this. I'm going to live in the Caribbean and live my life different!" I dunno. Just a thought. I don't think anyone should just give up on themselves and feel that "this is all my life will be".

Caribbean...now that's a thought!

 

[user 190541]

That’s not my/our reality as we look around and see....how can I say it nicely... can't.. androgynous blobs who gave up on themselves years ago.

 

[ardour]

...Can this thread be locked? I regret making it and it's embarrassing having this continually appear at the top of the latest post list.

 

[Unsigned]

...Can this thread be locked? I regret making it and it's embarrassing having this continually appear at the top of the latest post list.

 

[TheSkaFish]

honest question here: do you think you could date someone you felt zero initial attraction towards? Because that is the choice a lot of us older people are facing: try for someone hot, who would often be younger, or date someone with whom there is no attraction to whatsoever for the sake of companionship.

A lot of 40 + people, and I include men in this (particularly men imo) are unattractive slobs who gave up on their appearance, sometimes even hygiene, years ago. It's all very well to talk about putting emotional connections ahead of appearances when you’re still young and a minimum of attraction towards most of your peers can be assumed. That’s not my/our reality. Many turn into androgynous blobs as they age.

That’s not very nice is it? I’m a horrible person who deserves to be alone etc etc. But it’s also an obvious truth; just looking around, it’s undeniable.

I have no idea how average looking people can pair up with a new partner at this age.

I do believe attraction can develop over time, especially after realizing that there's something really interesting or cool about them, or developing feelings of affection for them, realizing you care about the person.

It took a while but I came to realize that companionship is really more of what we should be looking for rather than lust - something based on companionship, I feel, is more genuine and has more of a chance to last. It's like friendships - I make friendships with people I genuinely like, not for things like money or status or influence.

I mean, I think you're right in the sense that excessive alcohol/junk food consumption does lead to people being in bad shape, and it can start hitting hard at that age, so it's best not to make that stuff into a lifestyle.

I don't think you're a bad person though. I just think this whole situation is hard, and cold, and not pleasant, and going for people with Darwinian attitudes (like the "hot girls", the thing that always bothered me about them that I couldn't put my finger on, this sense that they were judging/looking down on me) makes it that much harder and colder.

Sorry, didn't see you requested this closed. I'll leave it here then.

 

[ardour]

I do believe attraction can develop over time, especially after realizing that there's something really interesting or cool about them, or developing feelings of affection for them, realizing you care about the person.

If you took that argument to its end then dating someone of the wrong gender should also be possible. I just don't think this is the way we're built and I don't think pairing up at this age is meant to happen either. But yeah, let's leave it there, there's no point to arguing.

 

[okidoke]

If you took that argument to its end then dating someone of the wrong gender should be also be possible. I just don't think this is the way we're built and I don't think pairing up at this age is meant to happen either. But yeah, let's leave it there, there's no point to arguing.

I didn’t think there was arguing going on. Anyway, you’re attracted to what you’re attracted to, so be it. Maybe that is something you can work on, maybe it’s not. Change of location may give you a new perspective or it may not. Who the heck knows. All you can do is try more things in your life and see how you click with others. Sometimes things happen when you least expect them to. I truly wish you well.

 

[user 190541]

I just think this whole situation is hard, and cold, and not pleasant, and going for people with Darwinian attitudes (like the "hot girls", the thing that always bothered me about them that I couldn't put my finger on, this sense that they were judging/looking down on me) makes it that much harder and colder.

I got that impression from every single woman I have ever dated, and not one of them was hot. Cute, yes, but not hot.

 

[TheSkaFish]

If you took that argument to its end then dating someone of the wrong gender should be also be possible. I just don't think this is the way we're built and I don't think pairing up at this age is meant to happen either. But yeah, let's leave it there, there's no point to arguing.

I guess I should have clarified - I meant it within the context of a hetero situation.
I wasn't talking about outside of that. I don't think it applies, because I think orientation goes deeper than surface level looks.
I don't really speak on non-straight stuff, because that's not my perspective and not what I know.

I think you can develop feelings for someone of the desired gender, that could lead to attraction, that you didn't have at first. But I don't think it would turn into feelings for a gender you're not wired to be attracted to. If anything, I'd guess it would probably just turn into friendship or respect/admiration.

But yeah, we could stop there if you wish.

 

[TheSkaFish]

I got that impression from every single woman I have ever dated, and not one of them was hot. Cute, yes, but not hot.

I want to date a woman that isn't like that - not because they've given up their standards, but because they don't think that way, and value other things. That would be a person who is like-minded with me.

 

[ardour]

I guess I should have clarified - I meant it within the context of a hetero situation.
I wasn't talking about outside of that. I don't think it applies, because I think orientation goes deeper than surface level looks.
I don't really speak on non-straight stuff, because that's not my perspective and not what I know.

I think you can develop feelings for someone of the desired gender, that could lead to attraction, that you didn't have at first. But I don't think it would turn into feelings for a gender you're not wired to be attracted to. If anything, I'd guess it would probably just turn into friendship or respect/admiration.

But yeah, we could stop there if you wish.

What do you think the basis of that wired response is if not surface physical characteristics? Finding somebody moderately attractive/cute is fine, I'd prefer that to someone noticeably hot, but I can't start from nothing. If you possess the depth of character for that you're a better person.

 

[user 190541]

I want to date a woman that isn't like that - not because they've given up their standards, but because they don't think that way, and value other things. That would be a person who is like-minded with me.

Curiously, it was like that for me in my teens. People started to get into relationships and not once it seemed that they were putting each other to the test. That is indeed an inelegant mindset and I think no one wants to feel like they're being tested/judged. I had many opportunities to have relationships back then, but I was madly in love with a girl and the feeling was not mutual (f me), so, unable to move on, nothing ever happened. I don't know what the problem is that in adulthood I cannot, no matter what, have the same opportunities that I had when I was a teen. I think it's the culture, it's just decadent, corrupt. A lot has changed over here in the past 15 years or so. People don't think the same way as they did back then. Overall, we were a better, happier society, even though things have only been going downhill since the collapse of the military dictatorship in the 80s (and even before that), which was admittedly bad, but at least people had regular jobs in those days. Nowadays, not so much.

 

[TheSkaFish]

What do you think the basis of that wired response is if not surface physical characteristics? Finding somebody moderately attractive/cute is fine, I'd prefer that to someone noticeably hot, but I can't start from nothing. If you possess the depth of character for that you're a better person.

I think it's more like...when someone, just by the way they are, way they think and talk, way their mind works, approach to life, when it strikes you in a way that makes you feel, "I could see myself caring about this person", I think that's it, I think it's based on that. The caring, comes from how the person makes you feel.

Don't get me wrong, I'd like some cuteness myself, and I think I'd do best with cute girls vs hot girls - I think that's who would think more similarly to me. But what qualifies for "cuteness", I think there are a range of qualities.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Curiously, it was like that for me in my teens. People started to get into relationships and not once it seemed that they were putting each other to the test. That is indeed an inelegant mindset and I think no one wants to feel like they're being tested/judged. I had many opportunities to have relationships back then, but I was madly in love with a girl and the feeling was not mutual (f me), so, unable to move on, nothing ever happened. I don't know what the problem is that in adulthood I cannot, no matter what, have the same opportunities that I had when I was a teen. I think it's the culture, it's just decadent, corrupt. A lot has changed over here in the past 15 years or so. People don't think the same way as they did back then. Overall, we were a better, happier society, even though things have only been going downhill since the collapse of the military dictatorship in the 80s (and even before that), which was admittedly bad, but at least people had regular jobs in those days. Nowadays, not so much.

I felt like, here, it depended on who you were going for. The "popular" people were always putting you to the test, if you weren't one of them. They did not put other people like them to the test.

Other people, were more relaxed about it. I felt like with them, it was more about common interests, getting along, feeling good around each other.

I don't know what I was thinking back then. I only had eyes for the "hot girls", you know, the rich cheerleader types I had zero in common with. Just thinking with my johnson, I suppose.

And yeah, decadence and corruption has been on the rise here, too. It's too bad. I wish we had a time machine that I could go back to the '90s in, back to normal life before we devolved into the Darwin-verse, as I call it.

PS - where are you at? You mentioned a military dictatorship collapsing in the 80s, so I'm guessing Eastern Europe maybe?

 

[user 190541]

PS - where are you at? You mentioned a military dictatorship collapsing in the 80s, so I'm guessing Eastern Europe maybe?

Actually, Brazil. Military dictatorships were widespread in the region before the transition to democracy.

 

[ardour]

I think it's more like...when someone, just by the way they are, way they think and talk, way their mind works, approach to life, when it strikes you in a way that makes you feel, "I could see myself caring about this person", I think that's it, I think it's based on that. The caring, comes from how the person makes you feel.

Don't get me wrong, I'd like some cuteness myself, and I think I'd do best with cute girls vs hot girls - I think that's who would think more similarly to me. But what qualifies for "cuteness", I think there are a range of qualities.

So you're saying that aside from registering the person as female, appearances should become entirely irrelevant and the emotional/intellectual appreciation takes over.

Like I said, you're a better person. I can't meet that purity standard.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Actually, Brazil. Military dictatorships were widespread in the region before the transition to democracy.

Ah yes, you were talking about speaking Portuguese earlier. That makes sense. I didn't know you guys had a dictatorship as recently as the '80s, though.