Not attracted to women my age

[theablekingathelstan]

Who cares about age gaps? in principle, as long as a person is of age and not under the age of consent, then date them.
i'm 40 and like women aged 55 plus.

 

[vauxhallastra]

I must admit I never really think about it much, when I was a teenager it was usually women in their 20s/30s that I found most attractive, and the most.....umm.......appealing woman I have ever met in real life was 47 at the time (not in terms of 'I want to date/marry her' but in terms of 'holy crap that's a lady').

Now I'm older - I'm about your age - I'm attracted to women of almost all ages, although I'd say early 20s is probably a touch too young for me, those girls do look a bit childlike to me now, but really I think it's more about whether life has ground you down or not. When women (or men) get to their 40s, 50s, life has crushed a lot people, they have kids, exes, stress etc, they're not out for a good time, it's all they can do to get through the day.

All that said, I did marry a woman nearly a decade younger than me. I am quite similar to you though, I missed out almost the entirety of my 20s between caring for a relative and drinking my life away. But just think, you could be like a very good friend of mine, who is twice divorced and has 2 kids with 2 ex-wives. Imagine how appealing he must seem to a girl in her 20s!

 

[JJW]

To me, age isn't an issue. If she's 20 or 60 isn't even a consideration. It's who she is and how we click.

There is something to be said for maturity, but nothing says a 20 year old can't have that maturity.

I think love is soul to souls and the soul has no relation to time thus age.

 

[ardour]

I must admit I never really think about it much, when I was a teenager it was usually women in their 20s/30s that I found most attractive, and the most.....umm.......appealing woman I have ever met in real life was 47 at the time (not in terms of 'I want to date/marry her' but in terms of 'holy crap that's a lady').

Now I'm older - I'm about your age - I'm attracted to women of almost all ages, although I'd say early 20s is probably a touch too young for me, those girls do look a bit childlike to me now, but really I think it's more about whether life has ground you down or not. When women (or men) get to their 40s, 50s, life has crushed a lot people, they have kids, exes, stress etc, they're not out for a good time, it's all they can do to get through the day.

All that said, I did marry a woman nearly a decade younger than me. I am quite similar to you though, I missed out almost the entirety of my 20s between caring for a relative and drinking my life away. But just think, you could be like a very good friend of mine, who is twice divorced and has 2 kids with 2 ex-wives. Imagine how appealing he must seem to a girl in her 20s!

The few friends I have are mostly feminist, so naturally I'm criticized for making looks a factor at all and wanting someone who still looks like they are capable of having a family. There's also the problem of how to show interest in someone who might be well into adulthood but is still significantly younger than me. I don't think I could handle being told I'm too old and deluded by a 30 year old, as is likely will happen.

Just out of time now, both figuratively and literally. I was attracted to older women too as a teen but then that would be a normal phase of life thing.

As you point out, "boring", jaded peers is the other issue.

 

[user 139760]

I like younger women for a totally stupid reason; they're happier than I am. Youthful exuberance lifts my spirit. Doesn't mean I wouldnt date someone 10 years older than me, it just doesn't happen often. I don't think it's creepy at all if it comes from an honest sentiment and doesn't break any laws.

Yeah, some people will complain; some people also think the world is flat. Who cares?

 

[vauxhallastra]

The few friends I have are mostly feminist, so naturally I'm criticized for making looks a factor at all and wanting someone who still looks like they are capable of having a family. There's also the problem of how to show interest in someone who might be well into adulthood but is still significantly younger than me. I don't think I could handle being told I'm too old and deluded by a 30 year old, as is likely will happen.

Just out of time now, both figuratively and literally. I was attracted to older women too as a teen but then that would be a normal phase of life thing.

As you point out, "boring", jaded peers is the other issue.

Feminists and misogynists can bellyache all they like, but looks are always a factor, for basically everyone, otherwise there would be no such thing as 'heterosexual' or 'homosexual', and people would pair off seemingly randomly.

I doubt a 30 year old would tell you that you are too old and deluded - a 20 year old might, but by the time most people get to 30, they're mature enough to at least pretend to strangers that they're mature. Despite what some men on the internet say, most women are polite and flattered so long as a man 'hitting on her' is also respectful, and if she's not interested she'll let you down more gently than that - and if she does tell you you're a deluded old f**k, then she's not a nice person and you wouldn't want to date her anyway. Lucky escape.

Are you not attracted to any women older than 30? At all? Is it the family thing? I find that as I get older, my 'average age of interest' has remained quite consistent, and there are often women I see in their 40s, 50s (or I don't know their age) who I think are very sexy, but obviously, 'sexy' is very different from 'would want to be in a relationship with', because if, for example, you don't want to be father-figure to another man's children, that massively cuts down the field of ladies over 35 at a stroke. But, if you really want children, there's always adoption - there's no guarantee that any lady you meet of any age is going to want to have children anyway - and tbh, I'm amazed that any woman does, ever.

I view 'boring' peers as a double-edged sword, 3 of my siblings now have young chlidren, and my sister was telling me only yesterday that now when she looks at me she can't help but imagine that my life is one long round of bacchanalian pleasures, like eating adult food, not having to watch kid's movies at the cinema, deciding to go away for the weekend whenever, etc. So there's that.

 

[ardour]

Feminists and misogynists can bellyache all they like, but looks are always a factor, for basically everyone, otherwise there would be no such thing as 'heterosexual' or 'homosexual', and people would pair off seemingly randomly.

I doubt a 30 year old would tell you that you are too old and deluded - a 20 year old might, but by the time most people get to 30, they're mature enough to at least pretend to strangers that they're mature. Despite what some men on the internet say, most women are polite and flattered so long as a man 'hitting on her' is also respectful, and if she's not interested she'll let you down more gently than that - and if she does tell you you're a deluded old f**k, then she's not a nice person and you wouldn't want to date her anyway. Lucky escape.

Are you not attracted to any women older than 30? At all? Is it the family thing? I find that as I get older, my 'average age of interest' has remained quite consistent, and there are often women I see in their 40s, 50s (or I don't know their age) who I think are very sexy, but obviously, 'sexy' is very different from 'would want to be in a relationship with', because if, for example, you don't want to be father-figure to another man's children, that massively cuts down the field of ladies over 35 at a stroke. But, if you really want children, there's always adoption - there's no guarantee that any lady you meet of any age is going to want to have children anyway - and tbh, I'm amazed that any woman does, ever.

I view 'boring' peers as a double-edged sword, 3 of my siblings now have young chlidren, and my sister was telling me only yesterday that now when she looks at me she can't help but imagine that my life is one long round of bacchanalian pleasures, like eating adult food, not having to watch kid's movies at the cinema, deciding to go away for the weekend whenever, etc. So there's that.

Up to maybe 35, but once people get into their late 30s/40s, honestly no. A lot of people start looking like the middle aged cliche and my brain perceives them differently even as I'm aging. I don't know how to explain it but it's a bit like imagining dating one of your mother's friends, except they are the same age as you. And other white people seem to age really badly. Bad diets, too much sun, plus past trauma from failed relationships means people are looking pretty weather worn by this stage. Maybe that makes me superficial but it's hard to imagine being emotionally or physically close to anyone now.

Aging with someone would be different when there's an already established emotional bond.

 

[vauxhallastra]

Up to maybe 35, but once people get into their late 30s/40s, honestly no. A lot of people start looking like the middle aged cliche and my brain perceives them differently even as I'm aging. I don't know how to explain it but it's a bit like imagining dating one of your mother's friends, except they are the same age as you. And other white people seem to age really badly. Bad diets, too much sun, plus past trauma from failed relationships means people are looking pretty weather worn by this stage. Maybe that makes superficial but it's hard to imagine being emotionally or physically close to anyone now.

Aging with someone would be different when there's an already established emotional bond.

Your explanation does make sense, I remember a few years ago seeing an overweight guy on TV talking about dating, and he said it's always odd to him that people think he will be attracted to overweight women just because he's an overweight man. He was like, "I want a woman who looks like Pamela Anderson, same as any other guy".

I don't see any reason why you couldn't attract a 35 year old woman. Women don't tend to be as concerned about their partner's age (for the obvious evolutionary biological reasons), I could give you lots of examples of men 55+ that my wife and sisters (when in their 20s and 30s) found attractive, but......

...of course they found those men attractive because of reasons, they were wealthy, charming, famous, etc. My wife at 30 had a crush on 60-something Pierce Brosnan, but, he was James Bond, so I guess the question is, how do you become that guy?

Can you become that guy? Drive a BMW, go to the gym, wear a fancy suit, get an expensive haircut? Or could you fake it?

 

[ardour]

Your explanation does make sense, I remember a few years ago seeing an overweight guy on TV talking about dating, and he said it's always odd to him that people think he will be attracted to overweight women just because he's an overweight man. He was like, "I want a woman who looks like Pamela Anderson, same as any other guy".

I don't see any reason why you couldn't attract a 35 year old woman. Women don't tend to be as concerned about their partner's age (for the obvious evolutionary biological reasons), I could give you lots of examples of men 55+ that my wife and sisters (when in their 20s and 30s) found attractive, but......

...of course they found those men attractive because of reasons, they were wealthy, charming, famous, etc. My wife at 30 had a crush on 60-something Pierce Brosnan, but, he was James Bond, so I guess the question is, how do you become that guy?

Can you become that guy? Drive a BMW, go to the gym, wear a fancy suit, get an expensive haircut? Or could you fake it?

It's not very realistic.

And I'd add that I really hate the concept of it finally being 'my turn' with an older woman. As in, okay you got what you wanted while I was alone all those years, but I'm criticized for superficiality.

Settling in late life with someone who might not even have spoken to me in their 20s holds zero appeal.

 

[vauxhallastra]

It's not very realistic.

And I'd add that I really hate the concept of it finally being 'my turn' with an older woman. I hate the idea of showing up for someone who already got what they wanted at a younger age.

As in, okay you got what you wanted while I was alone all those years, but I'm being criticized.

Settling in late life with someone who might not even have spoken to me in their 20s holds zero appeal.

You're actually reminding me of lots of things for some reason, but there's a kid in the sitcom 'Modern Family' and the joke is that the kid is about 13 but is incredibly mature, and there's an episode where he wants to date one of the popular girls at school, and when it doesn't work out he says something like, "I can't wait around for girls like her to settle for me as their second husband". There's also the trope in hollywood movies of the strong competent but troubled dad (The Rock, Liam Neeson), with the hot ex-wife who has married an architect or a plastic surgeon for security, but will get back together with her ex as soon as the second husband is killed by whatever the premise of the movie is (earthquake, gang violence).

I do know what you mean, I am playing devil's advocate to an extent, it is very upsetting to feel that life passed you by, and to look back and think about the things you should have done.

Can I ask, do you want to have children? Or is it that you are just attracted to women who happen to have the 'life giving' qualities because they're young?

 

[Winter Fire]

no comment

 

[TheRealCallie]

Up to maybe 35, but once people get into their late 30s/40s, honestly no. A lot of people start looking like the middle aged cliche and my brain perceives them differently even as I'm aging. I don't know how to explain it but it's a bit like imagining dating one of your mother's friends, except they are the same age as you. And other white people seem to age really badly. Bad diets, too much sun, plus past trauma from failed relationships means people are looking pretty weather worn by this stage. Maybe that makes me superficial but it's hard to imagine being emotionally or physically close to anyone now.

Aging with someone would be different when there's an already established emotional bond.

Let me see if I have this correct. And please, correct me if I'm wrong.

So, because you missed out on your "youth" you feel it's your....I don't know what word I want....you feel it's your "right" to live those years. Like you were frozen in time or something and are still in your 20's, so "old" people are old to you, even though they are the same age as you are?

Though, I have to question the part where you said they have "past trauma from failed relationships" making them look weather worn. You may not have had relationships, but I'd say you have beaten yourself up all on your own enough to make you just as qualified to be weather worn.

 

[ardour]

Can I ask, do you want to have children? Or is it that you are just attracted to women who happen to have the 'life giving' qualities because they're young?

That's like asking whether I'd like to race Formula 1 having not got my driver's license yet. I'm 42, never really dated, missed out on a circle of friends, and just about every younger adult experience really. How could I possibly answer that.

 

[ardour]

So, because you missed out on your "youth" you feel it's your....I don't know what word I want....you feel it's your "right" to live those years. Like you were frozen in time or something and are still in your 20's, so "old" people are old to you, even though they are the same age as you are?

Yes, more or less. It feels like I would need to have had some of those experiences before I could move on.

I was called emotionally stunted when I posted this on an over 30's dating subreddit. One older woman went as far as to compare me to a pedophile while arguing I was frozen psychologically in my 20s and recommending therapy. To be fair she wasn't calling me that, rather the comparison was about being 'emotionally stuck'. Hers was one of the nicer responses believe it or not, but like a most people she'd had serious relationships in her 20s, travelled the world by 28, couldn't even begin to relate, and was, predictably, offended that I wasn't into women her age. All it proved was how outside the norm my life has been and how it's best to maybe not discuss these things in future. EDIT: It's better to let this topic die.

 

[JJW]

Yes, more or less. It feels like I would need to have had some of those experiences before I could move on

Not to stir your simmer, but start from today. If you keep looking back at what you didn't have how are you going to move forward to something you could have? Your experiences and even the lack of them is what made you you. I refuse to believe that there is no one in the world that can appreciate you.

 

[Twiggy]

Classic case of thinking you can’t have what you want here, which only leads to misery.

You seem to be spending your time in the past, with regret and wishful thinking. The past is gone. Nothing you can do here, nor can anyone. Tell yourself this is a waste of time and I’m not going to do it anymore. From today.

While you’re spending time doing this you are not ‘living in the present’. So this life long pattern repeats, and you carry on wishing things had been different. On it goes. No change. More time wasted.

Comparing others and what you think they may or may not have is also a fools game. Someone elses life, success is ‘never’ how you perceive it to be.

Again, creating more misery but also tearing at your self esteem in the process. Im not this or that, why cant I be him, have what he’s got. Well you cant. You can only be you.

You appear to be taking the view what can a woman do for me, whereas if you took action, took care of yourself, got the life you want, you would become attractive to many, women and men a like. Wishing helps you to avoid taking action here.

This is all currently manifesting in the false belief I’m only attracted to young women. You think this a fact, that also tells you its pointless even trying.

Shift your focus onto what can I do for me, self care, get life how you’d like it to be. Go places you want to see, do things that interest you and for fun. Make yourself happy and content to be you - for you.

Whatever the age of the woman, no one is attracted to someone that needs her life, is a sinking ship. Got to have our own life that is important to you first, a life you feel proud to share. A life you love.

When you have this you are careful about who you choose to share it with. Are protective over it. Your time and relationships are more important to you than anything else and you dont want to spend it with toxic, troubled people that create problems.

This is probably the real truth in why you are having no success here. You only currently attract other people like you, in a similar place, and you dont want a you do you.

The aim is to love freely, be free of your demons so you dont infect others. Can love and accept people for who they are. Which we can only do after we love and accept who we are first.

No one wants to spend time with anyone that can not accept who they are, is critical, judgemental, not good enough. This is what women currently pick up from you. Its most likely that its not these women that are not good enough, it is you that feels not good enough, because when you are honest with yourself, you know you are not, you are not good enough for you, you are not an attractive offer to anyone.

Imagine how many women would stop and talk to you, how many people would want to know you, if in general you were mostly happy and loved being you and the life you have.

This is what makes you attractive, to any age.

 

[Just_another_one]

I've been with men who were younger than me, my current one is 20 years older. Who cares. Just live what you want to live, you've only got one life and then it's all over.

 

[ardour]

I've been with men who were younger than me, my current one is 20 years older. Who cares. Just live what you want to live, you've only got one life and then it's all over.

If you knew your youth was the major factor attracting your boyfriend to you then that probably wouldn't feel so great.

 

[Just_another_one]

If you knew your youth was the major factor attracting your boyfriend to you then that probably wouldn't feel so great.

It wasn't that. We share many interests. Actually my youth was the main reason he was restraining from asking me out in the beginning, so I asked first.

 

[ardour]

It wasn't that. We share many interests. Actually my youth was the main reason he was restraining from asking me out in the beginning, so I asked first.

Yes but I was speaking hypothetically i.e. If your current SO was drawn to younger women specifically.