What men vs what women want

[Regumika]

perhaps the real discussion is the double standard here.

lets start with the men. they want women that are attractive, not clumsy, not crazy, not a drama queen, not unreasonable, to list a few. right? this is the stereotypical man. (there are ALWAYS exceptions, so lets not go there, plus exceptions arent majority and im focusing on the majority)

now for the women. They want men that are attractive, independent, not stupid, understanding, caring, kind, not a butthole, reliable, and does not have crazy fetishes, and will love her for who she is.

so, typically, why is it okay for women to be picky about men, but men cant be picky about women? like, women would cry about finding this one attractive man, understands, cares, blah blah blah BUT... he has this one issue (say anger or depression).

because what seems to me is that it is okay for a woman with shortcomings to find a prince charming, but its not okay for a man with issues to find a princess. what gives?

poor little girl had a bad life, so? just find that one guy that will take care of you! just love him!

poor man with a bad life, so? find that perfect girl who will take care... oh wait, she wouldnt want a guy like him. he has issues. she can do so much better.

 

[ucxb]

Regumika, I do not know your background, experiences, expectations, or standards, however all genders/people have some sort of “issue” and what you speak of seems to be matters of compatibility and peoples ability to differentiate wants from needs

 

[Limlim]

I can see this thread being constructive and thought provoking! I shall fetch the tacos!

 

[theraab]

poor man with a bad life, so? find that perfect girl who will take care... oh wait, she wouldnt want a guy like you. you have issues. she can do so much better.

There may be something of a double standard, but if you can't fix your own life, the woman CAN do better. A guy doesn't have to be rich, good looking or smart to get a girl - but he better be able to be his own man and take care of himself. A guy shouldn't need someone to take care of him (actually, neither should a woman).

Besides, most of the women I've known over the years are more than willing to overlook a flaw or two when the guy otherwise has it together. I'm not the best looking guy (average looking), I have a mediocre job (that pays just enough to get by), and I can be a bit of an ******* sometimes - despite these flaws, women still go out with me.

If there's some part of your life that isn't right - do something about it yourself.

 

[Gondwanaland]

"In particular, compared to males, females tend to be under more intense social scrutiny regarding promiscuous behavior. Evolutionary psychology suggests that this differential application of sexual morality may be an evolutionary adaptation related to parental investment. Because women invest more resources into rearing children, such as a nine month gestation, it is argued that they must select a mate who is willing to participate in rearing children. Consequently, women have evolved more exacting criteria for mates than men. Women have a stronger preference for long term partners, whereas men have preferences for both long and short term partners. The theory supposes that men are more open to dropping their standards for short term partners as there is no parental investment. In this regard, promiscuous behavior by women would be maladaptive, as they would have to raise children with no or little parental support."

Isn't evolution cruel and ruthless sometimes???

 

[running with pain]

I can see this thread being constructive and thought provoking! I shall fetch the tacos!

tacos are sooooo amazing!!!!!! they are what both men and women want!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Regumika]

There may be something of a double standard, but if you can't fix your own life, the woman CAN do better. A guy doesn't have to be rich, good looking or smart to get a girl - but he better be able to be his own man and take care of himself. A guy shouldn't need someone to take care of him (actually, neither should a woman).If there's some part of your life that isn't right - do something about it yourself.

if that was possible, we would have perfect human beings. when was the last time you met one? besides, im not arguing about having flaws, im talking about the 'checklist' between men and women.

despite these flaws, women still go out with me.

and.. what of it? why are you still going out with them? is it developing into something? and.. who is backing out first? you or them? and im not picking on you. im encouraging a discussion. sure, it might be because she is not your type, or you are not her type. but it could also be because you found flaws in her or she found flaws in you. but its crucial to know why it is still 'going out' and not a 'relationship'

--

Gondwanaland - true in practice, but is it supposed to be this way? double standards happen, but should they happen? and this topic in particular.

 

[theraab]

despite these flaws, women still go out with me.

and.. what of it? why are you still going out with them? is it developing into something? and.. who is backing out first? you or them? and im not picking on you. im encouraging a discussion. sure, it might be because she is not your type, or you are not her type. but it could also be because you found flaws in her or she found flaws in you. but its crucial to know why it is still 'going out' and not a 'relationship'

My case is a little bit different as to why I'm single (the woman I was with for 7 years passed away); but I will say, of all the women I have ever gone out with, only two broke up with me/declined to go out again. There have been instances where the two of us were clearly incompatible - so I chalk those up to a wash (in other words, neither of us wanted to continue). Most of the time I am the one who breaks up/doesn't call/says no to a further date.

If the question is "do you have a relationship checklist?" - the answer is yes. Everyone has deal-breakers. But there are also "borderline" things that, if other things are generally alright, can be overlooked - but if there are other significant issues, the combination is a deal-breaker - for example, smoking and not being pretty aren't deal-breakers in themselves, but the two together is unacceptable.

I don't think anyone expects you to settle just because you're a guy - you should have a checklist. To hell with anyone who thinks poorly of you because you have standards. Find your princess - or at least someone with enough "good checks" and not too many "bad checks".

 

[Regumika]

sorry about her theraab.

You make good points. does it also seem to you that.. women have more... 'deal breaker' situations with men than men with women? in other words, do you think women are more strict than men in their search for their partner?

resulting in.. women can find men easier if women choose to 'change' their 'check list' than men without changing themselves much. compared to men doing the same.

 

[Gondwanaland]

Gondwanaland - true in practice, but is it supposed to be this way? double standards happen, but should they happen? and this topic in particular.

Hmmm...I don't understand the part of the double-standard. Could you give me an example, please??? My first language isn't english and I don't live in a society where cultural marxism permeates every aspect of society. :shy:

I think I understand it, but I need to clarify that point.

 

[theraab]

sorry about her theraab.

You make good points. does it also seem to you that.. women have more... 'deal breaker' situations with men than men with women? in other words, do you think women are more strict than men in their search for their partner?

resulting in.. women can find men easier if women choose to 'change' their 'check list' than men without changing themselves much. compared to men doing the same.

I really don't know if women have more deal-breakers - maybe some of the women can weigh in on that.

I will tell you this, when you get to your mid-30s (I'm 35) women who had long checklists in their 20s, definitely tend to whittle them down to the most important things. My guess is that, at my age, my checklist is probably longer than most women's my age. But, when I was in my early 20s, it was just the opposite (actually, my list has grown some from back then).

 

[perfanoff]

Do you still have the check "does not have children from another daddy" raab?

 

[LonelyLola]

I've found the opposite, that women are expected to have no issues and to be laid back and cool while men can have drinking issues or anger but as long as he is working on them, the ladies will still stay and work on the relationship.

However I am completely not the person to talk to about how to make relationship last, tho, as I haven't broken up with someone since my ex husband, every other guy decided I wasn't what he was looking for.

 

[theraab]

Do you still have the check "does not have children from another daddy" raab?

That is (and has always been) one of those second tier things - if everything else is together, I'm willing to date a single mother.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

The other gender will always see their gender as "the grass is greener syndrome"...when it really is not.

The truth is that neither men, nor women, have it worse. It's easier for an attractive girl to get sex, but that doesn't mean much. They still end up as single mothers if they have issues.

 

[EveWasFramed]

I can see this thread being constructive and thought provoking! I shall fetch the tacos!

Translation:
Threads like these usually devolve into mindless drama. They are like train wrecks - sickening to watch, but you just CAN'T look away.

---

The other gender will always see their gender as "the grass is greener syndrome"...when it really is not.

The truth is that neither men, nor women, have it worse. It's easier for an attractive girl to get sex, but that doesn't mean much. They still end up as single mothers if they have issues.

*stabs needles in eyes*

 

[perfanoff]

Do you still have the check "does not have children from another daddy" raab?

That is (and has always been) one of those second tier things - if everything else is together, I'm willing to date a single mother.

It's pretty much been the only concrete deal-breaker for me aside of drug usage. Wouldn't you feel abused/humiliated in that kind of scenario? ...I don't understand.

 

[theraab]

Do you still have the check "does not have children from another daddy" raab?

That is (and has always been) one of those second tier things - if everything else is together, I'm willing to date a single mother.

It's pretty much been the only concrete deal-breaker for me aside of drug usage. Wouldn't you feel abused/humiliated in that kind of scenario? ...I don't understand.

I don't know why I would feel abused or humiliated in that case. To me what makes it difficult is that you would always have to take a back seat to the kid(s), so dating would be difficult (time she can go out, etc.). It would only feel like abuse or humiliating if she got pregnant by the other guy while we were going out (and yes, that's a definite deal breaker) - if she has the kids from before, so what?

 

[perfanoff]

I'd feel abused because I want to have children of my own and bringing up somebody else's children needs so much effort and money that will make my life much harder and be a big obstacle to having my own children.. The selfish gene and all that.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Do you still have the check "does not have children from another daddy" raab?

That is (and has always been) one of those second tier things - if everything else is together, I'm willing to date a single mother.

It's pretty much been the only concrete deal-breaker for me aside of drug usage. Wouldn't you feel abused/humiliated in that kind of scenario? ...I don't understand.

Why the HELL would someone feel abused and humiliated for dating a woman who had a child???