Is there any point in trying to date if you are ugly?

[Dissident]

Most people think the cycle goes self-defeating attitude > failure when most of the time it really goes failure > self-defeating attitude. Ignoring the effect to prevent the cause doesn't make logical sense.

 

[Legato]

I can't be arsed reading the rest, so if this has been said, forgive me please?

What's ugly to one person isn't exactly ugly to another. Different people have different tastes.

For instance, I don't like Vodka. I find it disgusting. Other people love Vodka. Just because I dislike it, doesn't mean Vodka should stop being drunk.

Be yourself, get drunk by someone who likes you for who you are.

Don't get too drunk though.

 

[theraab]

Most people think the cycle goes self-defeating attitude > failure when most of the time it really goes failure > self-defeating attitude. Ignoring the effect to prevent the cause doesn't make logical sense.

If you ignore the effect of failure (as in the first construct), you have, by definition, prevented the cause of self-defeating attitude.

Regardless, I think the failure/self-defeating attitude thing is a spiral anyway F>SDA>F>SDA, etc. And, realistically, a self-defeating attitude doesn't usually lead to failure, it leads to not trying because of the assumption from the outset of failure - dumping the self-defeating attitude may not be enough to succeed, but you can't succeed at anything that you don't try.

 

[defenestrate]

Yes, hello. Both statements: self-defeating attitude > failure and failure > self-defeating attitude are true statements. This is a correlation. Experiencing a failure is related to thoughts and feelings of defeat. Experiencing thoughts and feelings which are self-defeating are related to future failures. Self-defeating attitudes, by definition, essentially means thoughts and behaviors which prevent a person from functioning in some way. It's a vicious cycle which turns both clockwise and counterclockwise.

It's called Catastrophizing or the expectation of failure. It isn't that anyone is right or wrong for feeling this way, it's that this is an incredibly painful situation. I think LeaningIntoTheMuse is going through a very rough time right now. The only thing that I can say right now is that many people feel unworthy of relationships. Many people do feel ugly. It doesn't mean anyone has to suffer in isolation. I hope we can all take a moment to try to relax and do something positive for ourselves.

 

[blackdot]

Blackdot, were you serious with that?

The main reason I feel women don't want to date me is that I'm not cute. They always date cute guys and hot guys. I am neither, so I get nowhere.

I'm just going on personal experience. Us cute guys get no dates.

 

[duff]

Good looks help your chances, no question about that.

Whether by 5% or 50% it's hard to say.

I am an ugly man but there is nothing to stop me wearing nice clothes and having a nice personality which will improve my chances !

You can't play the 'ugly' card !

 

[Baka]

With that attitude why bother trying, right? Wrong. Seriously, if you think about it dating or making friends is attitude, and I don't mean *snap* *snap* kind of attitude but self attitude. How you present yourself to the world. If you go around thinking bad about yourself or with a negative attitude, that pushes people away. Sure a lot of people might initially judge others on their looks so you have to show off your inner beauty, what makes you attractive, if your intelligent, funny, charming, etc. Everyone has something about them that makes them attractive. Honestly I pity those who only have their looks, if that's all you have then what good is that. Sure you might have an easier time picking up mates but nothing will last unless all you want to be is a trophy. I think people who aren't on the Adonis scale of looks have much more to offer.

Listen, that's all good, but I have to disagree with you. The line of "good looking people only have their looks" is usually something that unattractive people tell themselves or get told by others in order to feel better. It's like a poor person saying rich people are probably unhappy, because money can't buy you love & happiness (it definitely makes it easier to get ). They're assuming that he/she only has money and thus making negative assumptions about the rest of his/her life. My point is, I've had a lot of friends over the years who are all attractive people.

Yes, a few of them were dicks/bitches, but this happens to really smart/funny/successful/strong people as well. It's natural, some people get cocky when they realize that they're special and especially when they get told that by enough people. Heck, I would probably get cocky as well if I was good looking and numerous people started to reaffirm it. Face it, some people are good looking and have it extremely easy with men/woman, but at the same time they're also funny, talented, smart, successful, and a whole lot of other stuff. They breeze through life, it's unfair but that's the way it is.

Whether this should stop someone from dating, I don't know. I guess it depends on what you're aiming at & what your confidence is based on. If you're like me, obsessed with your looks, then you're probably screwed. If you're unattractive but still socially likable, able to forget about your looks, and capable of promoting your other attributes instead, then you should be more than fine with the ladies/guys. d(^_^)

---

Good looks help your chances, no question about that.

Whether by 5% or 50% it's hard to say.

I am an ugly man but there is nothing to stop me wearing nice clothes and having a nice personality which will improve my chances !

You can't play the 'ugly' card !

I have to say, I'm also ugly, but my clothes will never be. Style-wise, I'm an alpha dog! I've seen a lot of good looking people who dress like crap. Sure, they probably don't need stylish clothes, but I DO.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I tend to dress like a gay stereotype would be (very well), so people assume I'm gay. Drives me nuts.

Either I can dress in a t shirt and jeans, or I can dress well. Do I have to walk around wearing a backwards baseball cap and a sleeveless t shirt?

People are so strange. Especially women.

 

[Baka]

I can't be arsed reading the rest, so if this has been said, forgive me please?

What's ugly to one person isn't exactly ugly to another. Different people have different tastes.

For instance, I don't like Vodka. I find it disgusting. Other people love Vodka. Just because I dislike it, doesn't mean Vodka should stop being drunk.

Be yourself, get drunk by someone who likes you for who you are.

Don't get too drunk though.

I think this would be more in line with the whole attractive/unattractive issue:

Vodka = Eastern European women
Amarula = African Women
Tequila = Mexican Women
Champagne = French Women

Some people like Vodka, as you say, whereas others like Amarula, Tequila, or Champagne. The problem is that not all Vodkas, Amarulas, Tequilas, & Champagnes are created equal. French Champagne is the best & simply miles better than the crap ones you find in the grocery store. It's true that tastes differ, but don't fool yourself. If given the chance, everyone who likes Champagne would go for the best & not the crappy bottle. The same applies to people.

---

I tend to dress like a gay stereotype would be (very well), so people assume I'm gay. Drives me nuts.

Either I can dress in a t shirt and jeans, or I can dress well. Do I have to walk around wearing a backwards baseball cap and a sleeveless t shirt?

People are so strange. Especially women.

lmao @ backwards baseball cap and a sleeveless t shirt

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Well, that seems to be what women want. At least the younger women.

More career oriented women might want someone in a suit and tie, but they generally don't want me, since I'm still in college and out of work.

I probably shouldn't even try to date right now. Need to work on myself.

 

[Dissident]

If you ignore the effect of failure (as in the first construct), you have, by definition, prevented the cause of self-defeating attitude.

Expecting people not to be affected by something is not realistic, or a solution.

Yes, hello. Both statements: self-defeating attitude > failure and failure > self-defeating attitude are true statements. This is a correlation.

You have to make a very far reach to draw this conclusion.

Experiencing a failure is related to thoughts and feelings of defeat. Experiencing thoughts and feelings which are self-defeating are related to future failures. Self-defeating attitudes, by definition, essentially means thoughts and behaviors which prevent a person from functioning in some way. It's a vicious cycle which turns both clockwise and counterclockwise.

Sounds good in theory. Doesn't necessarily occur in practice. Self-defeating thoughts do not necessarily have to manifest in physical actions. Even if it did, it doesn't work out logically to reject someone because they doubt something will work. That's a stupid reason to reject someone and I can't believe that there are enough people stupid enough to outright reject someone for this reason to create such a popular view.

 

[Gutted]

One thing you should do. Be funny! Humor is a powerful weapon. Also be nice and be positive, even if you're not feeling that way inside. If you can make people feel comfortable around you, you'll win them over soon enough.

I'm sure everyone on here has faith in you. I do

 

[defenestrate]

Gutted is right LeaningIntoTheMuse, you can do this. I know there's a lot on your plate right but I see your very dedicated towards becoming happier and building healthy relationships. You seem like a very smart person and I'm sure other people will value your company.

 

[defenestrate]

I just wanted to touch base and see how things are doing with you LeaningIntoTheMuse.

I tend to dress like a gay stereotype would be (very well), so people assume I'm gay. Drives me nuts.

Either I can dress in a t shirt and jeans, or I can dress well. Do I have to walk around wearing a backwards baseball cap and a sleeveless t shirt?

People are so strange. Especially women.

How are you feeling now, after some women have noticed you, compared to when you wrote this message?
How does it make you feel to hear other men dress well for themselves without getting flak for it? Many bar scenes have men wearing just a typical dress shirt and decent pants; more respectable than the backwards baseball cap.
Are you absolutely certain that strangers throw you into this stereotype?
Is there any possibility at all that many they don't think anything of how you dress?

 

[lonelyfairy]

No one is ugly.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I'm feeling hopeful, although still lonely.

I don't think I can date right now, because I am not in the position to. I need to get some money before I can go out on dates.

 

[Rosebolt]

I need to get some money before I can go out on dates.

And a chunk of self confidence.

 

[defenestrate]

I think the independence from a stable job will go hand in hand with building confidence and friendships. In the meantime I think it's important to take a moment to remind yourself that many college student are unemployed and live at home. This isn't anything to be ashamed of at all. Your working on a degree to have better prospects. You are working the best that you can right now and that's the most anyone can do.

 

[LonelyInAtl]

Everyone has the right to date.

Just because you have the right to do something doesn't mean that you will be successful in your endeavor.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Everyone has the right to date.

Just because you have the right to do something doesn't mean that you will be successful in your endeavor.

Yes, and that is why there are so many single and lonely people out there.