Interesting study on attractiveness vs personality as first impression

[LonelyInAtl]

In relation to the shyness, I'll be the first to admit that I'm shy and quite socially inept when it comes to women.

Ever since college, I've been pretty much in long relationships and never dated around. As such, I never really learned to "cold call" and go up to a girl and start a conversation, flirt, recognize signs, or anything that like that. For example, I was at a dinner group this past Wednesday and was talking to a woman sitting next to me. We were talking, laughing, and multiple times she put her hand on my arm as we were talking. I helped her get Dropbox installed on her phone and used that as an excuse to email her the next day. It was just a short email asking if Dropbox was working for her, I enjoyed meeting her, and hoped to see her at dinner again. Well, it's been 4 days and no response so I was obviously completely off in my signal interpretation. As another example, I was at a singles dance recently and there was a guy that was probably in his 60s that had women all around him. He has more "game" in his pinky than I have in my entire body. LOL

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

Sadly, I think appearance plays a surprisingly big part in how people interact with you. Not even neccessarily "good looks" either. Stuff like the way you carry yourself, how you dress, etc. seems to make quite a difference.

Back when I was overweight, girls would usually sort of treat me indifferently at first, then perhaps get to know me in a friendly fashion over time, then get a little flirty with me every now and then when we got one well.

Guys back in those days would often pick on me, because I was "the nice fat guy" and an easy target for the less pleasant, more macho ones.

Now that I'm quite fit and muscular, the way both guys and girls treat me has changed almost as if I'm a different person. Guys treat me with a lot more respect and rarely give me problems. Funnily enough, they seem to talk to me much more about "male topics" (please excuse the gender stereotype ladies ) like sport and working out, which they never used to.

Girls on the other hand are often noticably more physical. I can still chat in the same way as before, but there's a whole lot more eye contact and sometimes even some arm/chest-touching. That stuff never happened when I was overweight, so it's quite weird to me when it occurs.

So yeah, I'd say it's not something you should ever beat yourself up over (personality is still far more important in the long run, I think), but it doesn't hurt to improve your appearance if you can - simply because the shallow side of others will treat you more as you deserve to be treated.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I do think how you carry yourself is important. Looks - meaning, how your face is arranged, how much you weight, how tall you are, whatever else - is not so important, in my opinion. I personally care how I carry myself. And whether I weighed 125 pounds, or if I weighed 521 pounds, I do put effort into being presentable. I don't want to look like a slob just because I'm heavy. There's no need to ever look like a flump-a-dump.

 

[Trent]

no one said being fat isn't an obstacle

what was said, is that it's not fair to say (or repeatedly imply) that ALL GIRLS ON EARTH WON'T GIVE A BIG GUY A CHANCE

apples and oranges

one is obviously true

one is obviously misogynistic

 

[ardour]

Easy to give advice under the assumption that adequate opportunities exist to get to know a lot of women, or just people in general.

Approaching women in public is a no-no. Workplaces are a no-no. Bars and nightclubs are sleazy, especially if you're older.
That leaves classes and clubs you might belong to - involving probably no more than 2-3 hours "face time" a week with strangers, many of whom are spoken for or not in your age-group.

Maybe more *friend* relationships with women are what OP's needs. Surely a lot of anxiety can be worked through simply by experiencing the company of others. But how when opportunities for conversation just aren't there...

Overly dramatic perhaps, but our fragmented society is partly to blame. How many people even know their neighbours?

(yeah, moaning...)

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Easy to give advice under the assumption that adequate opportunities exist to get to know a lot of women, or just people in general.

Approaching women in public is a no-no. Workplaces are a no-no. Bars and nightclubs are sleazy, especially if you're older.
That leaves classes and clubs you might belong to - involving probably no more than 2-3 hours "face time" a week with strangers, many of whom are spoken for or not in your age-group.

Maybe more *friend* relationships with women are what OP's needs. Surely a lot of anxiety can be worked through simply by experiencing the company of others. But how when opportunities for conversation just aren't there...

Overly dramatic perhaps, but our fragmented society is partly to blame. How many people even know their neighbours?

(yeah, moaning...)

why Oh why must you put all these limitations on yourself?

Approching a woman in public is a NO...NO..NO???
Where do you approch them then???? In The cellor?

K...work isnt a good idea.

In bars is a NO...NO...NO. especial when you're O???
**** i must be one sleezy son of a *****...young hot blondes
buying drinks too....

You rather interupt class???...K
What do you say to her?
" i been studying your tits and ass...I like to understand u better"

I dont really know my nieghbour too well cuase i just moved here.
People wave at me when they see me...though.
One of my nieghbours came out and spoke to me while I was mowing
a part of thier yard.
The other nieghbour...I simply just went over ask them if i can use
or borrow thier chAin Saw. We live in TX...so I figure..what the hell.lol
Introduce myself...

While I was single....this year.
I met Lilly at a bus station while I had to pick up my car.
I was just standing outside waiting for my car to arrive.
Lilly simply approched me and started chit chating with me.
We spoke for 10-15 mins. As I was getting reasy to leave
Lilly approached me again and gave me her phone number. Then I gave her mine.
She told she wanted to party with me..straight up.
Im 46...Lilly was 28. Young and pretty....She called me too.

The first time i saw Monique...We got into an argument becuase Monique got into a fight with Sarah.
Sarah and i have been partying for weeks...I just met Sarah onenight...through my friend.
A week later as i was visiting my friend Monique gave me a dirty look becuase of how we first met.
later on that night i recieved a call from my friend that Monique wanted to go hang out with me.
So she and i went out all night and just hang out. Monique brought me breakfest the next morning.
Sometimes when I go to a caffee shop alone...Monique would come and sit and chit chat and flirt with me lots.
Monique really like me lots...gave me her numbers and always asked me to call her..

At the same coffee shop I met 3 other women on different nights.
I took Angie out to dinner just becuase I simply asked. i wanted to hang out some where else and just invited her.

One night i was sitting alone at a bar...Just chit chating with the bar tender off and on, Heather.
She flirts with me. i tell her joke or tell get her to blush by complimenting her.
Anyways..Heather was bussied..so I was just sitting at the conner of the bar...chilling alone.
Charleen walks in...Ive never met her. She sat two seats down from me. Heather and Charleen were friends. ( I didnt know that).
I simply made remarks to Heather here and there...Charleen would laugh along with us.
Then I notice the tatoo on Charleen's wrists. I simply reached over held her arms and asked her about her tatoos.
Onething lead to another...Charleen and I were kissing by the end of the night.
Didnt really knew how Heather took it..becuase Ive been flirting with heather for months.
Charleen and Heather are only 27. Charleen was hot. Charleen bought me drinks...

Out of all those women..I would had persue Monique. She and i clicked.
It definitely wasnt love at first site and her impression of me at first wasnt cool at all.lol
Becuase Monique and I were arguing and screaming at each other.lmao

Thats how I meet women and sort them out.....different places and different circumstances.

Renae and I reunited...Obviously i love Renae very much.I still persue her

 

[Trent]

the only thing that i will add to the mix is "hating women won't get you laid any faster"

then i'm bowing out of this thread

---

*deuces*

 

[The Good Citizen]

Approaching women in public is a no-no. Workplaces are a no-no. Bars and nightclubs are sleazy, especially if you're older.
That leaves classes and clubs you might belong to - involving probably no more than 2-3 hours "face time" a week with strangers, many of whom are spoken for or not in your age-group.

Approaching a women in public or the workplace out of the blue may be a little high risk but there’s no law in getting to know people in either environment is there. And what’s so sleazy about nightclubs and bars? Define sleazy? I've had conversations with many nice young ladies on a night out and my gentlemanly behaviour has been nothing short of impeccable!

I wonder if some people actually go to bars, there is an odd view on this site about bars and people who like to "Party" as if they are a somehow a vision of the Last Days of Sodom and Gomorrah with everyone drunkenly rutting each other to oblivion. Theres nothing wrong with going out having a few drinks getting to know a few new people and maybe once in a blue moon meeting someone you like. Really, stop being such prudes, its like a 1950's bible circle on here sometimes!

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Workplace flirting is very high risk...It depends on the circumstance.
Working with the public as a cashier or customer service helped get out of my funk.
However my boss was my friend. So he kind da encourage me to flirt with women
or sometimes will take me to go help a pretty chick...He knew I was
more reserved than I used to be. He also knew I wasnt drinking at the time.
I was in a LTR for over a decade. So I was a bit rusty on picking up women
and felt a bit awkward looking at other women or flirting with other women in general.
All I did was went to work and home...No social life.

Working as a cashier helped me even if it was a less paying job I was used too.
The first couple of weeks wasnt easy.
After a while I got used to greeting people all day. After while I can chit chat
with people in general. Sometimes flirt with certain customers.
But that was about as far as it went....severeal more baby steps for me.
Which is entirely different than flirting with one of the staffs or trying to get into
a relationship with a staff....

Yes, Ive met one of my ex-gf at church. But that wasnt like hollywood or a fairy tale either.
The only reason why that relationship last as long as it did becuase
minsitor had to help us. Our ministor gave us lots of marrige counseling for almost a year.

I also date sereveral women from support groups I was attending...which is something
isnt suggested. But as far tactics..I bascailly just hang out after meetings...chit chat
with people in general. Every so often a chick will approch me. Then it gose on from
there. ....Which is pretty much the same tactic i use when Im in public places whether
its in a bar, coffee shop, bus stations, group gatherings, church, concerts, parties...ect.

In support groups..there's service work. Some people volunteer to run meetings.
Others make coffee....ect. Some people have sponsor that ask them to be a GREETER.
The shy, introverted, soft sponken, lonely, no social skills type.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Bigger guys are excellent to hug/cuddle. That is all.

 

[LonelyInAtl]

Bigger guys are excellent to hug/cuddle. That is all.

I wish more felt that way.

 

[ardour]

Easy to give advice under the assumption that adequate opportunities exist to get to know a lot of women, or just people in general.

Approaching women in public is a no-no. Workplaces are a no-no. Bars and nightclubs are sleazy, especially if you're older.
That leaves classes and clubs you might belong to - involving probably no more than 2-3 hours "face time" a week with strangers, many of whom are spoken for or not in your age-group.

Maybe more *friend* relationships with women are what OP's needs. Surely a lot of anxiety can be worked through simply by experiencing the company of others. But how when opportunities for conversation just aren't there...

Overly dramatic perhaps, but our fragmented society is partly to blame. How many people even know their neighbours?

(yeah, moaning...)

why Oh why must you put all these limitations on yourself?

Approching a woman in public is a NO...NO..NO???
Where do you approch them then???? In The cellor?

K...work isnt a good idea.

In bars is a NO...NO...NO. especial when you're O???
**** i must be one sleezy son of a *****...young hot blondes
buying drinks too....

You rather interupt class???...K
What do you say to her?
" i been studying your tits and ass...I like to understand u better"

Guys being *seen* as hitting on women is a real no-no these days. Period. Society deems that unacceptable. Relationships must develop incidentally from friendships, around shared interests, such things as that etc. Just read some of posts from the female mods - you have to know a person through and through for years before expressing interest apparently.. .

I don't go to bars/clubs, partly from my own insecurity, I'll likely be slammed for my appearance and lack of confidence, but also because I just don't like the atmosphere. It's usually for immature 'hotties' etc.

 

[Trent]

Guys being *seen* as hitting on women is a real no-no these days. Period. Society deems that unacceptable. Relationships must develop incidentally from friendships, around shared interests, such things as that etc.

and you are speaking from experience?

the whole thing changes if you are confident and have game.

---

honeysuckle, said i was done with this thread

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Guys being *seen* as hitting on women is a real no-no these days. Period. Society deems that unacceptable. Relationships must develop incidentally from friendships, around shared interests, such things as that etc. Just read some of posts from the female mods - you have to know a person through and through for years before expressing interest apparently.. .

I don't go to bars/clubs, partly from my own insecurity, I'll likely be slammed for my appearance and lack of confidence, but also because I just don't like the atmosphere. It's usually for immature 'hotties' etc.

Hitting on women, flirting with women, making yourself avaliable
with women, getting to know women...ect whatever the heck
terms you wanna use.

Err...the mods on this site or any other site dosnt represent
society nor know whats best for anyone.They're just human beings
with thier own sets of morals, values, opinions, perceptions, experinces.
You simply cant put these people on a pedestal....
And of course blame them for it too.

Somewhere alone the line we must be accountible for our own lives....
For our own decisions....our actions and inactions.

Relationship develops in various ways...There's perferences
and preferred structured....But havnt also read about lowering
you're expectations???? it refers to letting go of the "MUST, SHOULD
OUght TO,..ect" Thats becuase 1 way isnt the only way dosnt always work and is limited.....

"Hotties are immature"..K that's a blanket statement and mentality
The same as "all women dont like fat dudes"

The same with the "must do it this way or that way only"

K...you talked yourself out of it...
Thats understandable....
You also read about getting out of your comfortzones????

Stop putting people on a pedistal. wether women are hotties or not.
They're just people...not better than you.
How's you're confidence, security and self esteem...knowing this simple truth???

 

[IgnoredOne]

Guys being *seen* as hitting on women is a real no-no these days. Period. Society deems that unacceptable. Relationships must develop incidentally from friendships, around shared interests, such things as that etc. Just read some of posts from the female mods - you have to know a person through and through for years before expressing interest apparently.. .

Um, no.

Its perfectly acceptable to approach a girl with interest. It works quite well too - it just is really a matter of how you approach it. I admit that it might be different for you due to your particular appearance, unfortunately, but its not at all a general rule for most men.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Why care what society thinks or believes in? Do you expect society to pick out a relationship for you? Think for yourself...

 

[putter65]

the only thing that i will add to the mix is "hating women won't get you laid any faster"

then i'm bowing out of this thread

---

*deuces*

---

that makes alot of sense !

 

[Sterling]

rdor, have you ever had a girlfriend? lol

 

[blackdot]

Physical appearance is probably the most important EARLY determinant of both romantic and non romantic attraction. However...it wears off pretty quick if the personality (and a variety of other variables) don't work out.

That's one of the problems with most relationships. People date based on looks. Once the dating gets serious and they are around each other all the time, they start to break apart because they find they don't like each other's personalities. Then they go back to dating based on looks.
It's an endless cycle that some of us never get to break into. It's one of the reasons I attract married women. They aren't happy with the person they married but they love my personality. If they were single, they wouldn't date me since I don't have the killer looks but while they are married and not looking to date, they are looking for the personality.

 

[LonelyInAtl]

Physical appearance is probably the most important EARLY determinant of both romantic and non romantic attraction. However...it wears off pretty quick if the personality (and a variety of other variables) don't work out.

That's one of the problems with most relationships. People date based on looks. Once the dating gets serious and they are around each other all the time, they start to break apart because they find they don't like each other's personalities. Then they go back to dating based on looks.
It's an endless cycle that some of us never get to break into. It's one of the reasons I attract married women. They aren't happy with the person they married but they love my personality. If they were single, they wouldn't date me since I don't have the killer looks but while they are married and not looking to date, they are looking for the personality.

Exactly. Those of us who aren't blessed in the looks department get shut out, even though we're generally more interested in personality and emotional compatibility.